[Thinking Out Loud] Continuing on the topic of sex (proclivities and practices) and feminism
I found this earlier.
My thoughts are a ramble, I admit.
Being Judged for Sex and Erotic Romance
What's ironic to me is that there are feminist bloggers who consider themselves "pro-sex feminists", but I'm a REAL pro-sex feminist. I actually write about sex, sex toys, and erotic romance. I dive head-first into sex blogging, unlike the neophytes who only get their toes wet.
This is something I've been kicking around in my head for a while, due to my writing. I write erotica, between men and women, between men and men. (I've yet to delve into women and women. But I may yet.) I like sex and sensuality in my writing, so it shows up in non-erotica, my general dark fantasy, horror, whatever. And I'd lying if I didn't say I enjoy writing things with hints (or outright evidence of) dominance and submission.
It could be enough to get me dirty looks in some circles. If I ever get around to writing and publishing some of the things in my head, I'd probably have said circles punch a whole in my Feminist card.
(I think, in particular, of one the pieces I've been mentioning on and off the last few months. I've quietly agonized over the presentation and treatment and characterization of my female protagonist. The story's dark. I mean, the anti-hero's a convicted murderer. [For a good cause...but yeah. Issues.] It's going to be messy. It's going to be violent at times. Sex will be present. Knives. Bloodplay. Who knows what else. And I feel like I've been restraining myself in the honest telling of the story, in part, because of all this analysis. I'm trying to work through it.)
The Midnight Seductions blogger writes:
So, as far as I'm concerned, I'm finished with feminism. In many ways I still consider myself a feminist, but after the shitty treatment I got from women who call themselves feminist, I'm done with it. Women who work as sex writers, erotic romance writers, and sex toy reviewers expect some criticism from what we do because (living in the U. S.) we live in a hypocritical and sexually stuffy society. The U. S. is both hyper-sexed and Puritanical. Talk about cognitive dissonance!
I love sex writing, erotic romance writing, and sex toy reviewing, and I have no intension of giving it up. If that means I have to turn in my Feminist Decoder Ring, I'll be happy to give it up. I don't need that kind of judgmental shit in my life.
And that's just fucking sad.
I know there are people I'd certainly have little issue with telling to turn in their Feminist card. People that are, in one way or another, working against women's equity, while claiming to do it in the name of feminism. [Such as many "pro-life feminists" working to make abortion inaccessible or illegal rather than working toward more accessible family planning, a reduction in the need for abortion, and reproductive health care (for starters) and better childcare.]
I'm troubled by the disowning of women who make a living from sex, be it writing erotica or sex work.
There's too much of the black/white view.
You have anti-porn activists/feminists who claim there can be no non-misogynistic porn. I don't think I buy into that, though I can see and understand many of the arguments presented.
I think there is women friendly porn out there, but it's hard to come by (and frankly individual women's definitions of "friendly" are going to vary). I do believe that the mainstream [porn], the industry, and our society/culture [that is both hyper-sexual and harmfully prudish] should be deconstructed and probably completely torn down and rebuilt in areas.
Tekanji over at Official Shrub wrote: In simplest terms, my stance on porn is that I am pro in its most basic form (material that arouses), but anti-mainstream (and not-so-mainstream like Suicide Girls), anti-industry, and anti-porn culture.
That echoes my sentiments.
In other arenas, you have feminists and activists who deny the agency and voices of women who are sex workers. A lot of what I've seen is passive. Conversation maneuvering and emphasizing other points or argument (similar to the "What about the men?" lines pulled out by MRAs; sometimes it is in good faith, other times not):
What about all the women who are trafficked into sex work?
What about women who work as strippers because it's all they can do due to their circumstances?
Though sometimes you have the more aggressive:
No woman can make the decision to do sex work freely in a patriarchy.
I do shy from the absolutist leanings of that last line, though I understand where it comes from. We don't make our choices in a vacuum, after all.
Certainly all of these things are worth attention and discussion.
But, I don't think that comes at the cost of denying or hiding the voices of women who choose to work in the sex industry.
Nothing is beyond analysis. Beyond highlighting and recognizing that inequities do exist.
But the throwing out or discounting of women's voices, the patronizing, the shaming. That gets irritating. The demonization I've seen in some places and then the accusations of colluding (participating in your own oppression to be accepted) are fucked up.
I think Tekanji's post sums up the way my thoughts have been shifting to flow:
V. Sexuality != sexual entitlement
And here I find myself in a ‘damned if I do, damned if I don’t, so I may as well go with what works for me,’ scenario. Some anti-porn feminists (as I wouldn’t say that anti-porn feminists are necessarily anti-sex-positive feminists, just not in agreement with us) believe that our stance is taken for the express purpose of becoming ‘acceptable’ to the patriarchy. Non-feminist pro-porn people I’ve talked to seem to think quite the opposite about me. Who’s right? Both and neither.
Both because 1) I do use my stance as a way to reach out to those who would never give the time of day to an anti-porn argument, however rationally it is presented. I suffer no delusions that my words will give them an ephiphany [sic] and they’ll say, “You’re right! I promise to stop supporting the industry and the objectification of women.” However, I do hope that by showing them a different side of the sexual culture, it may cause them to be more critical of what practices they support and why. And 2) Because I am uncompromising on issues like the treatment of sex-workers (who are, surprise!, overwhelmingly female) and that puts my ‘grey’ a little too dark for many avid porn advocates to stomach. One side effect of being a sex-positive feminist, I suppose. I care about women as if we were people. Oh, wait, we are.
Neither because, when it comes down to it, it isn’t about being ‘acceptable’ to menfolk, or viewing the world in a black and white frame. For me, it’s about finding an egalitarian sexual atmosphere that welcomes all consentual [sic] adult expressions of sexuality, whether I personally like them or not. After all, how can I preach gender democracy and then turn around and form a sexual dictatorship? No one should have a right to tell a woman what to do with her life, whether it be becoming a stay-at-home-mom or being tied up because she likes it.
[Emphasis mine.]
Theory is one thing. (I'm trying very hard to remember this as I go along in life. Sometimes I fail.)
Putting the theory into active practice in your life is quite another.
We should be critical in our thinking. We should examine how society influences us and how our actions play into that influence; how we keep the wheel turning. We should look at the choices we make. Why we make them. We should constructively criticize. We should deconstruct (traditions, rituals, practices). We should question, ourselves and others. (And we should reclaim.)
I think all of those can be done without throwing other people (feminists or allies) under the proverbial bus.
And I think it can be done without outright dismissing aspects of many women's lives, work, and hobbies.
At the end of the day I want to live my life. Because it's my life. I may only have one of them. I want to get joy out of what I can. Maybe that means writing erotica. Or wearing heels. Or shaving my legs. Or being tied up during sex.
That doesn't mean I'm ignorant or blind to the societal influences behind some or any of those things. It doesn't mean I don't question.
And it sure as hell doesn't mean I don't support women's social, economic, political and personal equality and autonomy.
I see no reason that engaging in those things should lead to a call to cut up one's Feminist card.
Oh, end the ramble. My head hurts.
It's about time to head home.
My thoughts are a ramble, I admit.
Being Judged for Sex and Erotic Romance
What's ironic to me is that there are feminist bloggers who consider themselves "pro-sex feminists", but I'm a REAL pro-sex feminist. I actually write about sex, sex toys, and erotic romance. I dive head-first into sex blogging, unlike the neophytes who only get their toes wet.
This is something I've been kicking around in my head for a while, due to my writing. I write erotica, between men and women, between men and men. (I've yet to delve into women and women. But I may yet.) I like sex and sensuality in my writing, so it shows up in non-erotica, my general dark fantasy, horror, whatever. And I'd lying if I didn't say I enjoy writing things with hints (or outright evidence of) dominance and submission.
It could be enough to get me dirty looks in some circles. If I ever get around to writing and publishing some of the things in my head, I'd probably have said circles punch a whole in my Feminist card.
(I think, in particular, of one the pieces I've been mentioning on and off the last few months. I've quietly agonized over the presentation and treatment and characterization of my female protagonist. The story's dark. I mean, the anti-hero's a convicted murderer. [For a good cause...but yeah. Issues.] It's going to be messy. It's going to be violent at times. Sex will be present. Knives. Bloodplay. Who knows what else. And I feel like I've been restraining myself in the honest telling of the story, in part, because of all this analysis. I'm trying to work through it.)
The Midnight Seductions blogger writes:
So, as far as I'm concerned, I'm finished with feminism. In many ways I still consider myself a feminist, but after the shitty treatment I got from women who call themselves feminist, I'm done with it. Women who work as sex writers, erotic romance writers, and sex toy reviewers expect some criticism from what we do because (living in the U. S.) we live in a hypocritical and sexually stuffy society. The U. S. is both hyper-sexed and Puritanical. Talk about cognitive dissonance!
I love sex writing, erotic romance writing, and sex toy reviewing, and I have no intension of giving it up. If that means I have to turn in my Feminist Decoder Ring, I'll be happy to give it up. I don't need that kind of judgmental shit in my life.
And that's just fucking sad.
I know there are people I'd certainly have little issue with telling to turn in their Feminist card. People that are, in one way or another, working against women's equity, while claiming to do it in the name of feminism. [Such as many "pro-life feminists" working to make abortion inaccessible or illegal rather than working toward more accessible family planning, a reduction in the need for abortion, and reproductive health care (for starters) and better childcare.]
I'm troubled by the disowning of women who make a living from sex, be it writing erotica or sex work.
There's too much of the black/white view.
You have anti-porn activists/feminists who claim there can be no non-misogynistic porn. I don't think I buy into that, though I can see and understand many of the arguments presented.
I think there is women friendly porn out there, but it's hard to come by (and frankly individual women's definitions of "friendly" are going to vary). I do believe that the mainstream [porn], the industry, and our society/culture [that is both hyper-sexual and harmfully prudish] should be deconstructed and probably completely torn down and rebuilt in areas.
Tekanji over at Official Shrub wrote: In simplest terms, my stance on porn is that I am pro in its most basic form (material that arouses), but anti-mainstream (and not-so-mainstream like Suicide Girls), anti-industry, and anti-porn culture.
That echoes my sentiments.
In other arenas, you have feminists and activists who deny the agency and voices of women who are sex workers. A lot of what I've seen is passive. Conversation maneuvering and emphasizing other points or argument (similar to the "What about the men?" lines pulled out by MRAs; sometimes it is in good faith, other times not):
What about all the women who are trafficked into sex work?
What about women who work as strippers because it's all they can do due to their circumstances?
Though sometimes you have the more aggressive:
No woman can make the decision to do sex work freely in a patriarchy.
I do shy from the absolutist leanings of that last line, though I understand where it comes from. We don't make our choices in a vacuum, after all.
Certainly all of these things are worth attention and discussion.
But, I don't think that comes at the cost of denying or hiding the voices of women who choose to work in the sex industry.
Nothing is beyond analysis. Beyond highlighting and recognizing that inequities do exist.
But the throwing out or discounting of women's voices, the patronizing, the shaming. That gets irritating. The demonization I've seen in some places and then the accusations of colluding (participating in your own oppression to be accepted) are fucked up.
I think Tekanji's post sums up the way my thoughts have been shifting to flow:
V. Sexuality != sexual entitlement
And here I find myself in a ‘damned if I do, damned if I don’t, so I may as well go with what works for me,’ scenario. Some anti-porn feminists (as I wouldn’t say that anti-porn feminists are necessarily anti-sex-positive feminists, just not in agreement with us) believe that our stance is taken for the express purpose of becoming ‘acceptable’ to the patriarchy. Non-feminist pro-porn people I’ve talked to seem to think quite the opposite about me. Who’s right? Both and neither.
Both because 1) I do use my stance as a way to reach out to those who would never give the time of day to an anti-porn argument, however rationally it is presented. I suffer no delusions that my words will give them an ephiphany [sic] and they’ll say, “You’re right! I promise to stop supporting the industry and the objectification of women.” However, I do hope that by showing them a different side of the sexual culture, it may cause them to be more critical of what practices they support and why. And 2) Because I am uncompromising on issues like the treatment of sex-workers (who are, surprise!, overwhelmingly female) and that puts my ‘grey’ a little too dark for many avid porn advocates to stomach. One side effect of being a sex-positive feminist, I suppose. I care about women as if we were people. Oh, wait, we are.
Neither because, when it comes down to it, it isn’t about being ‘acceptable’ to menfolk, or viewing the world in a black and white frame. For me, it’s about finding an egalitarian sexual atmosphere that welcomes all consentual [sic] adult expressions of sexuality, whether I personally like them or not. After all, how can I preach gender democracy and then turn around and form a sexual dictatorship? No one should have a right to tell a woman what to do with her life, whether it be becoming a stay-at-home-mom or being tied up because she likes it.
[Emphasis mine.]
Theory is one thing. (I'm trying very hard to remember this as I go along in life. Sometimes I fail.)
Putting the theory into active practice in your life is quite another.
We should be critical in our thinking. We should examine how society influences us and how our actions play into that influence; how we keep the wheel turning. We should look at the choices we make. Why we make them. We should constructively criticize. We should deconstruct (traditions, rituals, practices). We should question, ourselves and others. (And we should reclaim.)
I think all of those can be done without throwing other people (feminists or allies) under the proverbial bus.
And I think it can be done without outright dismissing aspects of many women's lives, work, and hobbies.
At the end of the day I want to live my life. Because it's my life. I may only have one of them. I want to get joy out of what I can. Maybe that means writing erotica. Or wearing heels. Or shaving my legs. Or being tied up during sex.
That doesn't mean I'm ignorant or blind to the societal influences behind some or any of those things. It doesn't mean I don't question.
And it sure as hell doesn't mean I don't support women's social, economic, political and personal equality and autonomy.
I see no reason that engaging in those things should lead to a call to cut up one's Feminist card.
Oh, end the ramble. My head hurts.
It's about time to head home.