Acquainted with the Night
Three sleepless nights, funny things happen to the mind. One can be considered legally insane in a US court of law after that little sleep. I just wish I could shut off. Stop thinking for even a minute.
Life is so odd, isn't it?
I came to London with high hopes. I can't truly state what has become of those. Many were dashed as soon as I found out I couldn't work in my profession here for 3 years. While so many exciting things have happened to me here, so many opportunities availed themselves... they are incredibly empty and fleeting. Plus, it is not, nor will it ever be, home. Sadly. I thought once it could be. I have designed it into this strange purgatory that I am condemned to suffer through, though neither is THAT entirely true. I am somehow convinced that once my three years here is up, everything will change. I refuse to leave before it does. I have these hopes I will use my brain and my science again. Use my talents outside of this superficial bullshit world I've delved into here to pass the time. And I am determined to stay here long enough to find that out. But being naturally pessimistic I won't get my hopes up.
I could so easily leave. I've few attachments here. Few who truly care about who I am or care to dredge deep enough to find that person, to know me even in the slightest. There are those who I thought might become close but it seems I am just a means to an end in a lot of ways. Beneficial to them in some way for a period of time and when that runs its course... Or perhaps I am just not willing to share myself anymore. It took me so long to make and trust those I consider friends, maybe I lack the interest or motivation to do it all over again in a culture that is definitely very different from my own. Well, perhaps not so different, but I am an alien to it. I've done a lot for many but I think perhaps I surround myself with selfish people to deaden my own existence here, to avoid having to try. I can happily withdraw into myself and disappear here and there is no one to really notice. Or maybe I am just not as interesting a person as I once was. Perhaps that hopeful youthful light has burnt out. What a depressing thought.
But if I were to go home now I don't really think there would be a place for me there either. I am lost in stasis and I am sick of it.
Insomnia does lead to a propensity for morbid introspection... perhaps I should not be so keen on the act of assessing something as worthless in this state.
I just want something to change.
Two more days and my best friend will be at my side. My mirror and my soulmate in ways so few ever experience. And soon, even if briefly, I will be in a place I have dreamed of seeing since I was a child. Best to dwell on those facts for the time being I think.
And I really ought to try to lighten up for Jools' sake. After all, as of 5 minutes ago, today is his birthday, he deserves the happy me.
If I can't sleep by 3... well, I have pills for that. Here's hoping tomorrow finds me well rested and of a better disposition.
You'll never sleep tonight.
Trains will betray you, cars confess
Their destinations.
Whether you like it
Or not.
They want more
Than to be in
Your dreams.
They want to tell you
A story.
They yammer all night and then
The birds take over,
Jeering as only
The well-rested can.
Insomnia (Cornelius Eady)
...Better by far you should forget and smile
Than that you should remember and be sad...
Life is so odd, isn't it?
I came to London with high hopes. I can't truly state what has become of those. Many were dashed as soon as I found out I couldn't work in my profession here for 3 years. While so many exciting things have happened to me here, so many opportunities availed themselves... they are incredibly empty and fleeting. Plus, it is not, nor will it ever be, home. Sadly. I thought once it could be. I have designed it into this strange purgatory that I am condemned to suffer through, though neither is THAT entirely true. I am somehow convinced that once my three years here is up, everything will change. I refuse to leave before it does. I have these hopes I will use my brain and my science again. Use my talents outside of this superficial bullshit world I've delved into here to pass the time. And I am determined to stay here long enough to find that out. But being naturally pessimistic I won't get my hopes up.
I could so easily leave. I've few attachments here. Few who truly care about who I am or care to dredge deep enough to find that person, to know me even in the slightest. There are those who I thought might become close but it seems I am just a means to an end in a lot of ways. Beneficial to them in some way for a period of time and when that runs its course... Or perhaps I am just not willing to share myself anymore. It took me so long to make and trust those I consider friends, maybe I lack the interest or motivation to do it all over again in a culture that is definitely very different from my own. Well, perhaps not so different, but I am an alien to it. I've done a lot for many but I think perhaps I surround myself with selfish people to deaden my own existence here, to avoid having to try. I can happily withdraw into myself and disappear here and there is no one to really notice. Or maybe I am just not as interesting a person as I once was. Perhaps that hopeful youthful light has burnt out. What a depressing thought.
But if I were to go home now I don't really think there would be a place for me there either. I am lost in stasis and I am sick of it.
Insomnia does lead to a propensity for morbid introspection... perhaps I should not be so keen on the act of assessing something as worthless in this state.
I just want something to change.
Two more days and my best friend will be at my side. My mirror and my soulmate in ways so few ever experience. And soon, even if briefly, I will be in a place I have dreamed of seeing since I was a child. Best to dwell on those facts for the time being I think.
And I really ought to try to lighten up for Jools' sake. After all, as of 5 minutes ago, today is his birthday, he deserves the happy me.
If I can't sleep by 3... well, I have pills for that. Here's hoping tomorrow finds me well rested and of a better disposition.
You'll never sleep tonight.
Trains will betray you, cars confess
Their destinations.
Whether you like it
Or not.
They want more
Than to be in
Your dreams.
They want to tell you
A story.
They yammer all night and then
The birds take over,
Jeering as only
The well-rested can.
Insomnia (Cornelius Eady)
...Better by far you should forget and smile
Than that you should remember and be sad...