05/03/2007
05/03/2007
Life hits you hard and often in many unexpected ways. There are ups and downs and even a sideways turn or three.
For the past almost half year life has been all these things for me. I find it hard to keep up with everything. It is funny how the days seem so long and so short at the same time. I’ve been struggling with the thought that I will be 25 this Sunday. 25, an important number I suppose, or maybe just a big one. One where I finally realize, understand and accept that I am an adult.
I am an adult.
I find this a very odd thing to say. I’ve been an adult for quite some time, I just haven’t been willing and able to accept it.
When I was a small kid I imagined that I would be teaching by now. Done with school, married, and possibly have a child of my own.
I’m still trying to go to school. Doing very poorly at getting back into school actually. Not married, though in a serious relationship, and instead of a child I have a beta fish named Silk, two parakeets by the names of Poof and Sha-hai, and three cats Cougar, Luner, and Lucy. I suppose they can count as children.
I am afraid of the future. I know I have plenty of time but for some reason I feel as if time is running out and I even feel a little bit of a failure for not having reached any of these childhood goals at all. This is compounded by the small detail that my younger sister is ahead of me in school, having already obtained one college degree already, and that she is currently working on her second. She isn’t married and has no kids, except for her dog named Jake (Australian terrier and very cute I might add).
I guess I just feel behind and a little inferior to my sister. She always seems to have been ahead of me. Better grades in elementary, jr high, and high school than me. Learned to drive and got her driver’s license before me … I guess I feel like the second born. In some ways she is more mature in me. Some.
I shouldn’t judge myself compared to my sister though. But I do. I do because of sibling rivalry and because we have played the game of mine is better than yours ever since she was born. Or at least it feels that way.
I am trying to get into OSU this fall. I’ve been afraid that I’m not good enough for them, that they won’t want me or worse yet that they will want me to attend their school but that I won’t be able to somehow come up with the thousands and thousands of dollars that they will want me to pay them.
My brother Daniel (we adopted each other in high school) made it in to OSU. If he can do it so can I. Right? Right.
The past few months have been a little crazy and a little not.
Derald is still un-employed. I finally convinced him to go to Labor Ready to bring in some money. Which he has been doing. So he has been able to actually help out with bills a little bit lately. I even go to Labor Ready occasionally to get some extra cash for bills and gas. The work sucks, but its money at the end of the day. I got stuck working at the Oberto factory packaging pepperoni sticks. I can tell you that I do not want to do that as a living, and it blows my mind that some people have and can do it everyday. One lady I met there had been with Oberto for 35 years. That number just astounds me. Assembly line work is tedious, and very hard. I can tell you I won’t be eating any jerky or pepperoni for a very long time. Blech.
Work with my call center job has been driving me nuts as the big bosses can’t seem to agree on anything or make up their minds. I’ve been forced to change my work schedule a few times. The last time they would have let me keep my same schedule but they forced me to switch because it wouldn’t be fair to everyone else who had to switch. What is this pre-school? Oy.
In theory this place is going to lay everyone off in September. I’m one of the few who want this to happen. I mean I’m angry because the jobs are going to Canada, the Philippines, and Argentina and the jobs should stay here in America especially since the vehicles we support are American made (in theory) and sold primarily in America. No offense but the Argentineans and the Pilipino peoples are in my opinion not equipped to deal with greedy abusive and sometimes needy American car buyers. Half the people probably have not even driven a car. There is just a must have I deserve the world attitude with American car buyers and the people they will be bitching to probably won’t know how to deal with that. Damn outsourcing.
On the other hand the reason why I’m ok, and even seeking this place to shut down is for something called the Oregon Dislocated Workers Act. IF I qualify, and this is a BIG IF the company I work for will have to pay for two years of my “re-training” in any college I choose, plus I would get unemployment pay during that time and not have to work. That means TWO years of college paid off with no loans or anything to drag me down! I’m just shocked that this exists, and I am hoping that I will qualify for it. I just have to stay here till they lay me off, fill out some paperwork for it and … cross my fingers. I’ll also get $1000.00 for staying through to the end, though I’ll only get like $600.00 or $700.00 of that maybe due to taxes.
The other thing that has been bugging me is that I’m not entirely sure, after being sure for so long that I want to teach. I know what I don’t want to do for a living, but I don’t actually know what I want to do. I’ve always said to teach when asked when I was a kid. Now… I’m not so sure. I’ve thought about being a professional chief and opening my own restaurant, but I’ve got no money or assets to get a loan for such a thing, and I don’t know if people would want to eat what I like to cook. Grandma says I should be a cook. I do ok. But it usually takes me a while to cook things so I don’t know if I could cook fast enough and there is the statistic where most restaurants fail/close down within the first 4 years of business. I wouldn’t want to cook in someone else’s restaurant either.
The OTHER dream idea that I have would be owning and running my own used/new bookstore and being a writer conjointly. Again there is the investment issue and the whole there are already a ton of bookstores around as it is. So who would want to come to yet another bookstore?
I also want to do good things for the community and help out high school kids get a foot in the door of college and on their way to what they want to do with their lives, which brings me back to teaching. -sighs-
I also have been thinking about children. Specifically having a child, soon. I think Derald would be scared to know that. I enjoy the freedoms I have to go where I want and do what I want when I want… but I also don’t want to be an OLD mom either. I don’t want to be 65 or 70 when my kid graduates from high school. I know, I’ve got plenty of time and I shouldn’t rush into that. Something in me says “Have a kid!”. I have to wait though. Wait until I finish college, and until Derald at least starts college and has a stable job… if he wants kids.
We have talked about it. A little. He wants kids too, and apparently with me, which is a good thing. Someday we also want to adopt a child. We just have so much to accomplish before we can do either of those things though.
Have I mentioned that I hate money? Well I do.
I’m frustrated right now because we are behind on almost everything. Not just Derald and I but my roommates too. Rent is due on the 1st and it only gets turned in on the 5th which is the last day to turn it in before we get fined, we are a month behind on the gas bill, we owe $274 and counting to the electric co and as much as I have been bugging and asking and pleading the water bill has not yet arrived since from when we first moved in (November 2006) and of course our Comcast bill has gone to collections in Derald’s name because roommates never having the money. I have no idea if our garbage bill is current or not.
I’m a bit angry about all of this. I feel like the mother of the household, the nagger of WE NEED TO PAY BILLS!!!! And unless I take a direct hand in things nothing seems to get paid except rent. I don’t want to be a bitch about it and I don’t want my roommates (Derald included) to be angry with me for bringing up money… but I don’t want my credit screwed over or my rental history screwed over because of this. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to approach my roommates. The last time I gave a friendly reminder that rent was due I got yelled at by Eli via text message. He advised me that I’m not his mother and he “doesn’t go poopy in diapers anymore”, then eventually yelled at me about knowing rent was due after I was trying to explain that I wanted rent to be turned in on time instead of on the fifth because I don’t like paying bills late….
I also feel bad for magpie because it appears that she does everything for Eli. He appears to not be able to take care of his own portion of chores. I think he was raised in a family where he didn’t have to help out on chores. Now when she asks him to help her out he gets all pissy and acts like a 10 year old. I see her bust her ass helping keep the house clean, cleaning their bathroom, doing his laundry. She seems more like a maid and chuffer to him than a girlfriend. She asked him to help her make a grocery list one day and he turned into a 10 year old. I regret having him as a roommate and introducing her to him. I hope that she is happy but I can’t really tell because for some reason we don’t really talk anymore.
I hope I haven’t done anything. I try to be courteous and not nag her about stuff. She has been MUCH better about helping out around the house for kitchen stuffs, and other things around the house.
Derald has been better with helping out around the house too. So the house stays a bit cleaner now, though still is a bit of a sty most of the time. We are all just tired people though. Who wants to clean house after working all week?
I’m not perfect and I’ve never claimed to be. I’ve got my own faults that I’ve been working on. Being bossy is one of them, being overly judgmental of others another…
And of course both tie in to me feeling like the MOM of the household.
So that is sorta where I am right now. I’m happy and frustrated and depressed and looking forward to the future and afraid of it at the same time. No wonder I feel like I can’t keep my feet on the ground. I need to take some time to think without any distractions. I think I need to find a quiet place without anyone around for an hour or so to sit and to think about what I really want from life and what I really want to do with my life.
I only get the one so…. I want to do it right and have fun doing it.
With love and grace and way too much to think about,
Lady Grace
Ps. Love to you all.
Life hits you hard and often in many unexpected ways. There are ups and downs and even a sideways turn or three.
For the past almost half year life has been all these things for me. I find it hard to keep up with everything. It is funny how the days seem so long and so short at the same time. I’ve been struggling with the thought that I will be 25 this Sunday. 25, an important number I suppose, or maybe just a big one. One where I finally realize, understand and accept that I am an adult.
I am an adult.
I find this a very odd thing to say. I’ve been an adult for quite some time, I just haven’t been willing and able to accept it.
When I was a small kid I imagined that I would be teaching by now. Done with school, married, and possibly have a child of my own.
I’m still trying to go to school. Doing very poorly at getting back into school actually. Not married, though in a serious relationship, and instead of a child I have a beta fish named Silk, two parakeets by the names of Poof and Sha-hai, and three cats Cougar, Luner, and Lucy. I suppose they can count as children.
I am afraid of the future. I know I have plenty of time but for some reason I feel as if time is running out and I even feel a little bit of a failure for not having reached any of these childhood goals at all. This is compounded by the small detail that my younger sister is ahead of me in school, having already obtained one college degree already, and that she is currently working on her second. She isn’t married and has no kids, except for her dog named Jake (Australian terrier and very cute I might add).
I guess I just feel behind and a little inferior to my sister. She always seems to have been ahead of me. Better grades in elementary, jr high, and high school than me. Learned to drive and got her driver’s license before me … I guess I feel like the second born. In some ways she is more mature in me. Some.
I shouldn’t judge myself compared to my sister though. But I do. I do because of sibling rivalry and because we have played the game of mine is better than yours ever since she was born. Or at least it feels that way.
I am trying to get into OSU this fall. I’ve been afraid that I’m not good enough for them, that they won’t want me or worse yet that they will want me to attend their school but that I won’t be able to somehow come up with the thousands and thousands of dollars that they will want me to pay them.
My brother Daniel (we adopted each other in high school) made it in to OSU. If he can do it so can I. Right? Right.
The past few months have been a little crazy and a little not.
Derald is still un-employed. I finally convinced him to go to Labor Ready to bring in some money. Which he has been doing. So he has been able to actually help out with bills a little bit lately. I even go to Labor Ready occasionally to get some extra cash for bills and gas. The work sucks, but its money at the end of the day. I got stuck working at the Oberto factory packaging pepperoni sticks. I can tell you that I do not want to do that as a living, and it blows my mind that some people have and can do it everyday. One lady I met there had been with Oberto for 35 years. That number just astounds me. Assembly line work is tedious, and very hard. I can tell you I won’t be eating any jerky or pepperoni for a very long time. Blech.
Work with my call center job has been driving me nuts as the big bosses can’t seem to agree on anything or make up their minds. I’ve been forced to change my work schedule a few times. The last time they would have let me keep my same schedule but they forced me to switch because it wouldn’t be fair to everyone else who had to switch. What is this pre-school? Oy.
In theory this place is going to lay everyone off in September. I’m one of the few who want this to happen. I mean I’m angry because the jobs are going to Canada, the Philippines, and Argentina and the jobs should stay here in America especially since the vehicles we support are American made (in theory) and sold primarily in America. No offense but the Argentineans and the Pilipino peoples are in my opinion not equipped to deal with greedy abusive and sometimes needy American car buyers. Half the people probably have not even driven a car. There is just a must have I deserve the world attitude with American car buyers and the people they will be bitching to probably won’t know how to deal with that. Damn outsourcing.
On the other hand the reason why I’m ok, and even seeking this place to shut down is for something called the Oregon Dislocated Workers Act. IF I qualify, and this is a BIG IF the company I work for will have to pay for two years of my “re-training” in any college I choose, plus I would get unemployment pay during that time and not have to work. That means TWO years of college paid off with no loans or anything to drag me down! I’m just shocked that this exists, and I am hoping that I will qualify for it. I just have to stay here till they lay me off, fill out some paperwork for it and … cross my fingers. I’ll also get $1000.00 for staying through to the end, though I’ll only get like $600.00 or $700.00 of that maybe due to taxes.
The other thing that has been bugging me is that I’m not entirely sure, after being sure for so long that I want to teach. I know what I don’t want to do for a living, but I don’t actually know what I want to do. I’ve always said to teach when asked when I was a kid. Now… I’m not so sure. I’ve thought about being a professional chief and opening my own restaurant, but I’ve got no money or assets to get a loan for such a thing, and I don’t know if people would want to eat what I like to cook. Grandma says I should be a cook. I do ok. But it usually takes me a while to cook things so I don’t know if I could cook fast enough and there is the statistic where most restaurants fail/close down within the first 4 years of business. I wouldn’t want to cook in someone else’s restaurant either.
The OTHER dream idea that I have would be owning and running my own used/new bookstore and being a writer conjointly. Again there is the investment issue and the whole there are already a ton of bookstores around as it is. So who would want to come to yet another bookstore?
I also want to do good things for the community and help out high school kids get a foot in the door of college and on their way to what they want to do with their lives, which brings me back to teaching. -sighs-
I also have been thinking about children. Specifically having a child, soon. I think Derald would be scared to know that. I enjoy the freedoms I have to go where I want and do what I want when I want… but I also don’t want to be an OLD mom either. I don’t want to be 65 or 70 when my kid graduates from high school. I know, I’ve got plenty of time and I shouldn’t rush into that. Something in me says “Have a kid!”. I have to wait though. Wait until I finish college, and until Derald at least starts college and has a stable job… if he wants kids.
We have talked about it. A little. He wants kids too, and apparently with me, which is a good thing. Someday we also want to adopt a child. We just have so much to accomplish before we can do either of those things though.
Have I mentioned that I hate money? Well I do.
I’m frustrated right now because we are behind on almost everything. Not just Derald and I but my roommates too. Rent is due on the 1st and it only gets turned in on the 5th which is the last day to turn it in before we get fined, we are a month behind on the gas bill, we owe $274 and counting to the electric co and as much as I have been bugging and asking and pleading the water bill has not yet arrived since from when we first moved in (November 2006) and of course our Comcast bill has gone to collections in Derald’s name because roommates never having the money. I have no idea if our garbage bill is current or not.
I’m a bit angry about all of this. I feel like the mother of the household, the nagger of WE NEED TO PAY BILLS!!!! And unless I take a direct hand in things nothing seems to get paid except rent. I don’t want to be a bitch about it and I don’t want my roommates (Derald included) to be angry with me for bringing up money… but I don’t want my credit screwed over or my rental history screwed over because of this. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to approach my roommates. The last time I gave a friendly reminder that rent was due I got yelled at by Eli via text message. He advised me that I’m not his mother and he “doesn’t go poopy in diapers anymore”, then eventually yelled at me about knowing rent was due after I was trying to explain that I wanted rent to be turned in on time instead of on the fifth because I don’t like paying bills late….
I also feel bad for magpie because it appears that she does everything for Eli. He appears to not be able to take care of his own portion of chores. I think he was raised in a family where he didn’t have to help out on chores. Now when she asks him to help her out he gets all pissy and acts like a 10 year old. I see her bust her ass helping keep the house clean, cleaning their bathroom, doing his laundry. She seems more like a maid and chuffer to him than a girlfriend. She asked him to help her make a grocery list one day and he turned into a 10 year old. I regret having him as a roommate and introducing her to him. I hope that she is happy but I can’t really tell because for some reason we don’t really talk anymore.
I hope I haven’t done anything. I try to be courteous and not nag her about stuff. She has been MUCH better about helping out around the house for kitchen stuffs, and other things around the house.
Derald has been better with helping out around the house too. So the house stays a bit cleaner now, though still is a bit of a sty most of the time. We are all just tired people though. Who wants to clean house after working all week?
I’m not perfect and I’ve never claimed to be. I’ve got my own faults that I’ve been working on. Being bossy is one of them, being overly judgmental of others another…
And of course both tie in to me feeling like the MOM of the household.
So that is sorta where I am right now. I’m happy and frustrated and depressed and looking forward to the future and afraid of it at the same time. No wonder I feel like I can’t keep my feet on the ground. I need to take some time to think without any distractions. I think I need to find a quiet place without anyone around for an hour or so to sit and to think about what I really want from life and what I really want to do with my life.
I only get the one so…. I want to do it right and have fun doing it.
With love and grace and way too much to think about,
Lady Grace
Ps. Love to you all.