(no subject)
title: angel's pain
author: sango houshi
genre: angst. lots of angst
pairing: kangteuk
summary: kangin leaves and leeteuk is broken. his dongseangs are there for him but it isnt enough. and things begin to get to be too much for the leader.
He missed him terribly.
It was so hectic. Schedule after schedule, plus his role as an MC, a reality TV actor and a radio DJ host. Being leader to this particular bunch of dongsaengs was giving him early grey hairs and he missed Youngwoon so much. He understood that it was mandatory, and it was also an honor to serve and lose your life for your country; it made you a man. But he was still scared. He may be called their fallen angel, but he was still human after all. And he’d only have a few weeks with Youngwoon at most before he had to leave to serve his time…they’d be separated again.
Heechul, because of his leg could only serve as an active duty officer but was still able to live at the dorm. With a cynical thought he was thankful that at least one good thing came from that horrible accident, as he would be the eldest once Leeteuk left. He would be the one to take care of their dongsaengs once he was gone. With a bitter smile he wondered if they would even notice his absence. He was such a crappy leader, he thought self deprecatingly. Would they even miss him?
“Kangin-ah…” he whispered wistfully, feeling a profound sadness thinking and worrying about the one he loved. Were they feeding him well? He hadn’t killed anyone had he?
Oh how he missed those strong arms wrapped around him. Kangin always knew what to say, even if he wasn’t the most eloquent when it came to expressing himself (especially when it came to his emotions), and if he didn’t know what to say, then he would just hold Leeteuk and keep the real world at bay, shield him from all the pressure and the doubt and the conflicting schedules and people that were driving him mad. He would shield him from reality for a few hours.
Those times were heaven on earth for Leeteuk.
And then, when Leeteuk was calm enough and all was quiet-none of their dongsaengs near to disturb them, (they knew better than to bother them when they were alone behind closed doors -unless the house was burning-Kangin could be pretty scary when he wanted to be) Kangin would press the gentlest of kisses on Leeteuk, as though he were made of the finest porcelain. Kangin was always gentle with him, calling him is angel, kissing everywhere as though worshipping the milky skin, to the point that Leeteuk would cry, his heart feeling as though it would burst from all the love he felt from Kangin. The bigger man always made love to him. It was more than just sex for them. For such a manly man in the presence of others, when it was just him and Leeteuk he was so gentle and sweet, always stealing kisses and whispering ‘I love you’ at the most random times. Because they rarely had those moments they treasured them more.
Their quickies were always a bit awkward but always heated and passionate. Leeteuk was really shy and Kangin didn’t really like PDA but they both had needs. And when they got horny, the nearest supply closet became the quickest means of release, provided there were no witnesses around.
One time Leeteuk and Kangin had walked in on Donghae and Eunhyuk right as they had stumbled in a horny haze into a small closet. At first everyone had frozen. Kangin had his hands down Leeteuk’s open pants, grabbing his butt underneath his underwear, teasing his fingers in between the milky globes, getting Leeteuk even more riled up. Leeteuk moaned loudly, unable to stop himself, pressing himself as close as he could to Kangin, before pressing back so the fingers could reach deeper, his hands on Kangin’s hips pulling him closer and grinding against him.
When they stumbled into the closet, a yelp of surprise had them freezing up and quickly pulling apart. Leeteuk had been so out of it, his eyes glazed with lust and needing to be fucked immediately, that it took him a while to blink away the haze. The pained yelp had come from Eunhyuk, who had been pressed painfully against a shelf (it was a tiny closet). Eunhyuk had his legs wrapped around Donghae’s waist, Donghae’s pants and underwear down his thighs as he thrust into Eunhyuk. They had been too impatient and had forgotten lube but luckily there had been a half empty bottle of lotion on a shelf (which made them wonder how many people frequented this particular closet). Donghae stopped mid thrust at Eunhyuk’s scream of pain thinking he’d hurt his boyfriend when he heard movement from behind him over the pounding of his heart. He was still buried deep inside Eunhyuk who squawked in embarrassment, burying his face in Donghae’s neck, whining in both pleasure at having Donghae pressed against his hot button, and embarrassment at being caught by Teukie-hyung of all people! It was almost enough to kill his arousal. It was the equivalent of being caught by your parents. Thankfully, Donghae’s butt was covered by his shirt and Eunhyuk’s body was shielded by Donghae’s own, so it wasn’t worse.
“Uh…” Kangin said intelligently, quickly trying to adjust his and Leeteuk’s clothing.
“Yah! What the hell are you punks doing?” Kangin bellowed, trying to hide his embarrassment.
“Oh please hyung. We’re doing what you guys came here to do.” Donghae said making Leeteuk blush crimson and even Kangin’s cheeks tinge pink.
“Yah you punk!” Leeteuk had to physically restrain Kangin as he almost lunged at Donghae who, in a purely instinctual movement, thrust forward, making Eunhyuk keen loudly, refocusing all their attention back to more…pressing matters. All those present blushed and Leeteuk choked on his saliva.
“Can you guys give us 2 minutes?” Donghae asked through clenched teeth at the way Eunhyuk’s muscles contracted around his member.
“Come on, Kangin-ah. Let’s leave them alone.” Leeteuk said, pulling his boyfriend with him to give his dongsaengs privacy.
“But Teukie-ah! We also have to take care of our problems.” Kangin whined, pouting but allowing himself to be dragged away.
They ended up finding another closet and doing it there twice.
When he found out what Kangin had done and his decision to ‘take a break’ by going to the army he had been pissed off. He had told Kangin that his temper would get him in trouble. And now they would be separated because of it. And it was the fear of separation and being alone that scared the living hell out of Leeteuk. Nothing scared him more than being alone. And it was only reasonable that after Kangin announced he was leaving for the army, Leeteuk became a bit more clingy. He knew it, Kangin knew it, and people noticed. Kangteuk became one of the major couples of their fans. Leeteuk needed to be next to Kangin, knowing what was coming. He almost completely broke down the night before Kangin left. It was hard on all of them, but Kangin took care of him.
The night before Kangin left, they’d made love and it felt more intense than anything Leeteuk had ever felt. They were wrapped tightly in each others’ arms-Leeteuk too afraid to let go, Kangin not wanting to leave Leeteuk alone. Leeteuk may be older, but he was more fragile than even Ryeowook, and he knew that Leeteuk depended a lot on him he’d confessed that he was weak and that he needed Kangin by his side. That he’d finally found happiness with Kangin.
“I don’t want you to go,” Leeteuk whispered on a broken sob. He was finally happy and it was all being taken away from him. He didn’t think he was strong enough without having to someone to depend on. Kangin was his rock. He thought it was unfair that he was the leader only because he was the eldest. He would gladly give up that responsibility to anyone else. He didn’t want it. The pressure was too much.
First Kibum left to work on his acting career, and it was to better himself so no one could fault him for leaving. Then Hankyung left. Sued the company and left. Leeteuk sympathized with him, he really did, but Hankyung hurt Heechul so much by leaving. They all signed the same contract. Yes he was a foreigner and his anti-fans were some of the worst amongst even the worse of them, and because of his nationality he was treated badly even on national television, even being made to wear a mask. But he thought Henry and Zhou Mi had it worse. They weren’t even aloud to be part of Super Junior because of fans. He hated himself for saying that Henry and Zhou Mi weren’t part of Super Junior only to appease some fans. They were both so talented and smart and wonderful people and because fans didn’t want it, they were segregated to China as part of Super Junior-M. Because all that mattered to Lee Soo Man were fans. Higher number of fans for a higher number of sales.
But what hurt him the most wasn’t that they left. It was that Kangin was leaving him. Alone. To take care of this bunch by himself. Their dongsaengs called them umma and appa. How was he (the umma) supposed to take care of all of these kids without his appa around? He didn’t think he’d be able to handle it. he grabbed tighter on to Kangin.
“Don’t leave me alone, please.” He said in a tiny voice, feeling much younger and helpless than his age. His greatest fear was being alone and now that he had Kangin he didn’t want to lose him.
“Teukie…” Kangin held him closer, taking a deep painful breath. His heart ached for the man he loved. “You know I have to. If it’s not now it’ll be later. Better to get it out of the way. You’re going to have to do it too, before you get old.” Kangin tried joking. Leeteuk snorted, trying to find it funny but instead ended up feeling more dejected.
“I’m old~!” he wailed, more tears pouring out.
“no, no, no.” Kangin said trying to salvage the situation, getting up on his elbow and wiping away Leeteuk’s tears, kissing him briefly on the lips, tasting salt. “You’re not old, Teukie. You’re perfect. Heechul-hyung was right: you’re like peter pan; you’re never getting old.” Kangin smiled, knowing Leeteuk had a weakness against it (it was a contender against Sungmin’s aegyo, thank you very much!). sure enough, with a few more kisses, Leeteuk stopped crying and even flashed him a dimpled smile. The smile faded slowly as the impending separation was just a few hours away.
He sighed wearily.
“I don’t want you to go.” Leeteuk began with a shaky breath.
“Teuk-” Kangin started but Leeteuk cut him off.
“But this is for our country, it’s an honor to serve, not just a duty. I know that. I feel that way, knowing that I’ll have to do it too. But that doesn’t mean I have to like it.” he finished, tightening his arms around Kangin as he buried his face in Kangin’s neck, inhaling deep to memorize Kangin’s scent and musk.
“I love you. Please never forget that. Promise me that you’ll come back to me.” Leeteuk whispered, eyes watering again, a few tears sliding down his cheeks, tears which Kangin kissed away.
“I love you too, Jungsu.” The sincerity and seriousness in Kangin’s eyes made him gasp out, a sob stuck in his throat.
“I love you more than anything. I promise I’ll come back. Wait for me.” Kangin whispered, a question, both unsure yet hopeful.
“Always.” Sealing the promise with a kiss they pressed against each other again. This time they lasted over an hour, moving against each other, Kangin deep in Leeteuk. This would be their last time together before Kangin left. They wanted to have this moment deep in their memories, every thrust, every gasp, every scratch of Leeteuk’s nails on Kangin’s back, trying to tattoo his pleasure in the skin, Kangin’s fingers marking the skin, claiming him as his own.
They awoke still intimately connected, sadness and longing in their kiss, even though Kangin hadn’t left yet, because they knew THAT would be their last time. They wouldn't be able to do it later.
“Make sure to call me whenever you can. Please. I need to make sure you’re ok.” Leeteuk said, almost desperately, after the tears had stopped, not of his own will but because there were too many witnesses, and they were saying their final goodbyes before Kangin was taken away. They couldn’t kiss like their hearts yearned. Instead they had a death grip on each others’ hands, their goodbye hug lasting longer than was considered friendly, drawing curious glances from everyone except their members. Kangin tried to play it off by calling him a cry baby and saying he was coming back and that it wasn’t forever
“Come back to me.” Leeteuk whispered one last time, before they reluctantly broke apart. Kangin nodded, saying his final ‘I love you, my angel’ as he cradled Leeteuk’s face in his palm, wiping away the tears, pressing their forehead together before being escorted away, making Leeteuk’s heart clench painfully. For someone who was such a manly man and didn’t like PDA, Kangin was drawing a lot of attention with the way he was behaving with Leeteuk but he shrugged it off. It wasn’t any of their business.
As the eldest, Leeteuk was supposed to be the strong one, but he was still human and nothing could stop the heart wrenching sobs once he was in the privacy of their dorms. Even Heechul was quietly comforting him rather than cracking crude jokes. Siwon was unable to return to the dorm as he had a schedule immediately after, but on the ride home, he had his arms around Leeteuk, the older but still smaller man sitting on his lap, shaking as he tried to hold in his tears. His strong arms helping to keep the older man in one piece. Siwon looked pained in having to leave Leeteuk alone.
“Hyung…” Siwon said looking like a kicked puppy, feeling helpless in that he couldn’t bring Kangin back to make Leeteuk happy again.
Through his tears, Leeteuk put on a strong face and smiled, saying he was ok. They couldn’t neglect their work only because he was being a cry baby.
Kyuhyun had stopped playing games long enough to try and offer comfort to his hyung. The only one he listened to was a heart broken sniffling mess. He looked at Sungmin and wondered if the shorter man would react that way. No, he decided. Leeteuk may be the eldest, but even he knew that Leeteuk was fragile. Sungmin was stronger than that and though he knew Sungmin would be worried, not only as his boyfriend, but because he was the youngest, he knew Sungmin wouldn’t be in the despair that Leeteuk was in, which only made Kyuhyun that much more sorry and sad for his hyung. Leeteuk loved Kangin more than Kyuhyun had ever seen someone love another person. And he knew Kangin loved Leeteuk just as much but now Leeteuk was alone and not even their presence could take his mind off Kangin. He hated seeing his hyung like this. Who would he listen to when they told him to do something? Who would protect him and remind him to eat and sleep and to ‘stop playing video games because we have a schedule, Kyuhyunnie’? Who was he going to look up to if Leeteuk was like this? He hated seeing his hyung cry. He just prayed these next two years would pass quickly.
Eunhyuk and Donghae couldn’t fall asleep knowing their leader, their rock, their umma was suffering like that.
“Teukie-hyung?” Eunhyuk questioned, stepping into the room with Donghae behind him, seeing the puffy eyes, red nose and disheveled hair.
There was a grunt from the limp body on the bed. He must have exhausted himself and cried himself to sleep, were the thoughts running through both their heads but they saw a pair of big almond eyes shift to look up at them, lifeless.
“Teukie-hyung.” Donghae stepped closer and sat on the bed, by Leeteuk’s body, hand coming up to lightly pat his shoulder, then moving up to comb his fingers through soft hair. He hated seeing Leeteuk like this. Leeteuk was like his father. Leeteuk was the one who his father asked to look after him, he was the one who was always there for him, he was the one he could talk to and do everything with, the one he looked up to. He was more of a family than anyone else. He felt tears burning in his eyes and he blinked the blurriness away.
“Teukie-hyung.” He began again only to get choked in tears. He cleared his throat and began his pep talk. “Everything is going to be alright. Kangin-hyung is strong and nothing is going to happen to him.”
No response.
“Teukie-hyung.” Eunhyuk tried. “We don’t want you to feel alone. We’re here for you. I know we’re not Kangin-hyung, but we do love you. Not in the same sense, but it still hurts us when you cry. Seeing you like this makes us sad too. We don’t like seeing you like this Teukie-hyung.” Eunhyuk said, tears forming in his eyes. He hated seeing Leeteuk like this-their fallen angel shouldn’t have to be so heartbroken and in despair.
“You’re our angel.” Eunhyuk choked on a sob, but continued on, finally seeing a reaction from Leeteuk. The older man took a painful broken gasp of a breath, more tears spilling.
“We need you to smile again.” Eunhyuk sniffled, trying to smile too. “You’re the leader. We need you to be happy and strong. We can’t be happy if you’re like this. You know what a crybaby Donghae is and how he gets when he sees you sad.” He said even though he was the one crying. But sure enough, tears stained Donghae’s face too, even though he tried to blink them away.
“I’m sorry.” Leeteuk apologized. “I’m a terrible leader.” He felt self loathing putting himself before the group, before his dongsaengs.
“No. no, Teukie-hyung. You’re a great leader. The best!” Donghae said hurriedly, forgetting his own tears as he smoothed his hands through Leeteuk’s hair in an attempt to shush him and calm him down. Cupping Leeteuk’s face, he wiped tears away before hugging the older man tightly.
“I love you Teukie-hyung. We wouldn’t be anywhere without you. We hate seeing you like this. I don’t like seeing you sad and it breaks my heart to see you crying. You’re our fallen angel, Teukie-hyung, and angels aren’t supposed to cry.” He felt Leeteuk’s grip on his shirt tighten as his body shook with a ragged breath before Leeteuk slowly let him go and Donghae moved to stand next to Eunhyuk, ignoring the wet stain on his shirt.
“Teukie-hyung…can we sleep here tonight?” Eunhyuk asked in a meek voice, blushing as he looked away before chancing a hopeful glance at Leeteuk.
With a small smile Leeteuk shook his head, but made room anyway. Wiping the rest of his tears away he scoffed at himself. He felt pathetic. His dongsaengs were taking care of him, not the other way around.
“Look at me. I’m like a little kid sleeping with his parents.” He said, a mirthless laugh in his voice. Both Eunhyuk and Donghae ignored the sarcasm and smiled, sharing a look at having successfully stopped Leeteuk from crying and calmed him down.
“So that means Eunhyuk’s your umma now Teukie-hyung?” Donghae asked, a mischievous glint in his eyes.
“Yah! You jerk!” Eunhyuk exclaimed loudly, leaning over Leeteuk and hitting Donghae on the arm.
“Teukie-hyung, he hit me.” Donghae whined, rocking against Leeteuk to get his attention.
“He started it.” Eunhyuk defended.
“What are you, five?” Leeteuk playfully scolded. “I thought I was being the baby?” He pouted. “If you’re going to stay here, you’re going to behave.”
“Fine, fine.” Donghae quickly acquiesced, hugging Leeteuk to him, feeling Eunhyuk do the same. Above Leeteuk’s body they shared eye contact that expressed more than words ever did. Love, loyalty, adoration, knowing they were both in this together, taking care of Leeteuk for the sake of all of them and Leeteuk himself. Donghae’s long arms reached over Leeteuk and settled over Eunhyuk’s waist possessively. They loved each other and that’s all that mattered. That they loved Leeteuk was a given, he was like a father to both of them, but more to Donghae. They would always be there for him, no matter what. It took a while but Leeteuk had emotionally and psychologically exhausted himself and fell into a deep sleep. Even though he was wrapped in a warm embrace it wasn’t the same. When he awoke, he saw Eunhyuk’s hair, the younger man burying his face in Leeteuk’s chest, Donghae pressed almost too intimately against his back, but none of that mattered; Kangin wasn’t there.
Intellectually he knew that Kangin would only be gone for 2 years and even though he was in the army, nothing was going to happen to him, he was a celebrity (hopefully that would protect him). But he kept worrying himself crazy that all the worst things would happen. Emotionally it took a toll on him. He had never loves anyone like he loved Kangin. He had felt incredible sadness when Donghae’s father had passed. The man had been like his own father. The pain he felt for Donghae was powerful, he couldn’t even imagine what Donghae had gone through. But he had tried his best to be a good hyung and always be there for the younger man When his father told him that he was responsible for Donghae…it went beyond being the leader of Super Junior. It was almost as though he got a son (more of a little brother) but the responsibility had ground him. Kangin had been by his side, helping him, loving him, at times taking the responsibility from him for a few short hours so that Leeteuk would be able to collapse from exhaustion and over work. He constantly got sick and Kangin helped nurse him through it all and it was because of all the work and constant pressure and, holy shit he got a son! That he was responsible as though it were his own flesh and blood, and even if he wasn’t, Donghae meant more to him than just a friend.
He hated how dependant and reliant he had been on Kangin at first, but as time went on he realized that he couldn’t do it by himself. And now, after finally finding his happiness with Kangin, it was taken away from him. The overwhelming sadness at being alone was what kept bringing the tears.
That morning the house was quieter than usual, the atmosphere a bit awkward. Sungmin and Ryeowook were in the kitchen trying to make a breakfast that would cheer up their leader. Kyuhyun was locked away in his room, too awkward to know what to do, knowing that his attempts at jokes would be misconstrued as rude, according to Shindong, who had so kindly pointed that out on NATIONAL TELEVISION, with his laptop and half a day’s worth of food (according to him, to Sungmin it looked like he was going to hibernate for the winter). Heechul, Shindong and Siwon were already gone for filming for either a drama or radio DJ. Yesung, Eunhyuk and Donghae were on the couch watching TV.
“Hyung, you ok?” Yesung asked, prepared to make a fool of himself if it meant Leeteuk would smile.
Leeteuk gave a small appreciative smile before nodding minutely.
“Yeah, I’m fine. Thank you. You guys don’t have to worry about me. I’ve thought about it and I’ve decided to be strong for Kangin-ah. As your hyung and leader, I have to be strong for you guys as well. Men can’t show weakness, right?” immediately there were protests from all those present, but Leeteuk silenced them. “I know what I have to do. We all have a lot of responsibilities, and as leader I have to make sure we’re all strong, starting with myself. Because…we are??”
Immediately all joined in -even Sungmin and Ryeowook who had come in from the kitchen (Kyuhyun had his headphones on so wasn’t aware of the conversation taking place)-and as one they said
“Super Juni-OIO”
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~
A year and a half had passed and Kangin was still gone. He would be back in a few months and Leeteuk was getting anxious. He had spoken to Kangin on the phone multiple times, their conversations always short but full of whispered promises and love…except a few where Kangin had gotten jealous because of the fanservice he did with Siwon, which he quickly tried to smooth over by telling him the truth-it was just that, fanservice. Siwon was more than interested in Heechul, who was still too in love with Hankyung to do more than just the fanservice, but Siwon was also very into Eunhyuk and Donghae, who even though they were ok with the fanservice, wouldn’t do more, much to the tall man’s dislike. Who knew Siwon was into threesomes.
But now…Heechul was also leaving. He announced that he was leaving to train and Leeteuk had almost had a complete breakdown.
He couldn’t do this on his own.
He was so overworked-they all were. But as leader he had more responsibility not only to look after his dongsaengs but to make sure that everyone was doing what they were supposed to be doing. He was literally the umma of the group, even waking them up when they were all together, and calling them to check up on them to see if they were ok if they were apart or in a different country, always looking to see if they had already eaten even if he had skipped a meal.
They all looked after him as well, they worried about him even if they told him he was ok, that he was the eldest and was supposed to take care of them. But even he could tell that his careful smiling façade was showing cracks and he knew that people could notice. It was getting harder and harder to fake a smile even though he knew that as a celebrity no moment of his life was private and even when he was dead tires, after a schedule and on his way home, he still had to keep up appearances. He thought he could handle things but he was reaching his limit and he didn’t know how long it would be before he lost it and completely broke down
Although Heechul was only serving active duty as a police officer and could continue to live in the dorm, Leeteuk still hugged him close when it was time for him to leave. He had almost lost Heechul on more than one occasion and the slightly younger man wasn’t one to show much emotion but Leeteuk could tell he was a bit scared. Heechul and he argued all the time, they were like water and oil but he still loved the crazy man and he didn’t want to see him go. He was grateful in a messed up way for the accident Heechul was in. At least now he would live in the dorm, even if he couldn’t perform with them, but he would be there to take care of their dongsaengs when Leeteuk would join the army next year. He had to do it before he was 30 or else he would get in trouble with the law. But he knew that when he left, Kangin would be here and he would be away from his love for even more time.
Hugging Heechul close and ignoring the others protests, Leeteuk took the moment to ask him,
“Heechul-ah…” he whispered, stilling the other’s wiggling to get away. “Can you do me a favor?”
“Yah! What do I look like doing people favors?” though with no real bite. This was Teukie-hyung after all.
He was off to train but because of his leg he was still going to be able to live at the dorm. He didn’t know how he would handle things without Leeteuk there and that scared him more than anything in the world.
“Can you please tell Kangin to call me if you happen to run into him? Surely you can pass along the message? It’s important.”
It wasn’t that Leeteuk never spoke to Kangin. On the contrary, they spoke whenever Kangin wasn’t busy, which lately had been rather rare. The floods up north had taken a lot of man power to clear the way for civilians and looking for survivors and helping maintain order and peace under the chaos, but Kangin called about a week ago and he was beginning to worry. He would call every week if he could but it had been over 9 days and their calls were painfully short at best of times, always leaving Leeteuk yearning for just one more minute. Just hearing Kangin and knowing he was safe was enough to Leeteuk but as Kangin’s return date approached, he was beginning to get antsy and he yearned for time to hurry. The calls always consisted of “don’t worry hyung, I’m fine” because there was always someone around. He was just grateful that their ‘I love you’s’ weren’t considered strange.
But the desperation in Leeteuk’s voice and there was this look in his eyes…Heechul didn’t like it one bit.
“Ok, hyung.” He agreed, anything to get that look of despair and he was so overstressed that even Heechul could tell he was too wound up and he would snap any minute. “Just…please don’t do anything stupid. And just wait for the call, ok?” Heechul said seriously, needing his own confirmation and promise from the slightly older man. Heechul never called Leeteuk hyung, only sometimes and in public to look as though he had a bit of respect. But really they were only 9 days apart-he always spoke informally to Leeteuk. But he was the hyung-the only one Heechul had to look up to. There was something really wrong with the picture Leeteuk painted and Heechul didn’t like it one bit. This feeling of dread growing in his stomach with each passing moment, each second Leeteuk had that look in his face-like he was just tires, weary, at the end of his rope, his nerves on edge and he was about to break. Heechul hated it. It might not be obvious to everyone, but Heechul knew Leeteuk-he needed help and since Heechul was going away he couldn’t do it.
When Leeteuk left, Heechul excused himself from his superior and went to find a bathroom. There he called Siwon.
“Hello.”
“Siwon. There’s something wrong with Jungsu.” There was an immediate reaction from Siwon. The slight panic in Heechul’s voice sent dread through his body. It was disturbing to Siwon. Heechul was never like this. The use of Leeteuk’s real name put him on high alert and he went on alpha mode even though Leeteuk was his hyung. The older man was frail in comparison to a lot of them and his childlike demeanor made him even more precious to all the members. Siwon was not immune to his hyung’s adorable and playful nature and there was a time when even he had fallen for the older man. It’s just that he only had eyes for Kangin, and he was no one to stand between love.
“What’s wrong with Teukie-hyung?” Siwon asked not looking forward to the answer. He immediately began to call Jesus. ‘Please don’t let it be anything bad.’ He prayed though subconsciously he knew it to be otherwise.
“I need you and the rest of them to look after Leeteuk. Promise me you won’t leave him alone by himself for too long.”
Siwon just got more confused with every word. He thought there was something wrong.
“What?” Surely that request was as ridiculous as Siwon thought it was. Of course Leeteuk needed to be alone- everyone needed their privacy. But this was intriguing so he asked, “Why can’t we leave him alone?”
“I think…” here he hesitated. Was he really going to voice his fears? What if he was just being paranoid?
No, he thought resolutely, something was wrong and he needed to be sure that Leeteuk would be taken care of. Better safe than sorry.
“I think that Jungsu is at his limit. He can’t possibly take anymore. I think he’d going to have a breakdown and do something stupid.”
so yea.......
author: sango houshi
genre: angst. lots of angst
pairing: kangteuk
summary: kangin leaves and leeteuk is broken. his dongseangs are there for him but it isnt enough. and things begin to get to be too much for the leader.
He missed him terribly.
It was so hectic. Schedule after schedule, plus his role as an MC, a reality TV actor and a radio DJ host. Being leader to this particular bunch of dongsaengs was giving him early grey hairs and he missed Youngwoon so much. He understood that it was mandatory, and it was also an honor to serve and lose your life for your country; it made you a man. But he was still scared. He may be called their fallen angel, but he was still human after all. And he’d only have a few weeks with Youngwoon at most before he had to leave to serve his time…they’d be separated again.
Heechul, because of his leg could only serve as an active duty officer but was still able to live at the dorm. With a cynical thought he was thankful that at least one good thing came from that horrible accident, as he would be the eldest once Leeteuk left. He would be the one to take care of their dongsaengs once he was gone. With a bitter smile he wondered if they would even notice his absence. He was such a crappy leader, he thought self deprecatingly. Would they even miss him?
“Kangin-ah…” he whispered wistfully, feeling a profound sadness thinking and worrying about the one he loved. Were they feeding him well? He hadn’t killed anyone had he?
Oh how he missed those strong arms wrapped around him. Kangin always knew what to say, even if he wasn’t the most eloquent when it came to expressing himself (especially when it came to his emotions), and if he didn’t know what to say, then he would just hold Leeteuk and keep the real world at bay, shield him from all the pressure and the doubt and the conflicting schedules and people that were driving him mad. He would shield him from reality for a few hours.
Those times were heaven on earth for Leeteuk.
And then, when Leeteuk was calm enough and all was quiet-none of their dongsaengs near to disturb them, (they knew better than to bother them when they were alone behind closed doors -unless the house was burning-Kangin could be pretty scary when he wanted to be) Kangin would press the gentlest of kisses on Leeteuk, as though he were made of the finest porcelain. Kangin was always gentle with him, calling him is angel, kissing everywhere as though worshipping the milky skin, to the point that Leeteuk would cry, his heart feeling as though it would burst from all the love he felt from Kangin. The bigger man always made love to him. It was more than just sex for them. For such a manly man in the presence of others, when it was just him and Leeteuk he was so gentle and sweet, always stealing kisses and whispering ‘I love you’ at the most random times. Because they rarely had those moments they treasured them more.
Their quickies were always a bit awkward but always heated and passionate. Leeteuk was really shy and Kangin didn’t really like PDA but they both had needs. And when they got horny, the nearest supply closet became the quickest means of release, provided there were no witnesses around.
One time Leeteuk and Kangin had walked in on Donghae and Eunhyuk right as they had stumbled in a horny haze into a small closet. At first everyone had frozen. Kangin had his hands down Leeteuk’s open pants, grabbing his butt underneath his underwear, teasing his fingers in between the milky globes, getting Leeteuk even more riled up. Leeteuk moaned loudly, unable to stop himself, pressing himself as close as he could to Kangin, before pressing back so the fingers could reach deeper, his hands on Kangin’s hips pulling him closer and grinding against him.
When they stumbled into the closet, a yelp of surprise had them freezing up and quickly pulling apart. Leeteuk had been so out of it, his eyes glazed with lust and needing to be fucked immediately, that it took him a while to blink away the haze. The pained yelp had come from Eunhyuk, who had been pressed painfully against a shelf (it was a tiny closet). Eunhyuk had his legs wrapped around Donghae’s waist, Donghae’s pants and underwear down his thighs as he thrust into Eunhyuk. They had been too impatient and had forgotten lube but luckily there had been a half empty bottle of lotion on a shelf (which made them wonder how many people frequented this particular closet). Donghae stopped mid thrust at Eunhyuk’s scream of pain thinking he’d hurt his boyfriend when he heard movement from behind him over the pounding of his heart. He was still buried deep inside Eunhyuk who squawked in embarrassment, burying his face in Donghae’s neck, whining in both pleasure at having Donghae pressed against his hot button, and embarrassment at being caught by Teukie-hyung of all people! It was almost enough to kill his arousal. It was the equivalent of being caught by your parents. Thankfully, Donghae’s butt was covered by his shirt and Eunhyuk’s body was shielded by Donghae’s own, so it wasn’t worse.
“Uh…” Kangin said intelligently, quickly trying to adjust his and Leeteuk’s clothing.
“Yah! What the hell are you punks doing?” Kangin bellowed, trying to hide his embarrassment.
“Oh please hyung. We’re doing what you guys came here to do.” Donghae said making Leeteuk blush crimson and even Kangin’s cheeks tinge pink.
“Yah you punk!” Leeteuk had to physically restrain Kangin as he almost lunged at Donghae who, in a purely instinctual movement, thrust forward, making Eunhyuk keen loudly, refocusing all their attention back to more…pressing matters. All those present blushed and Leeteuk choked on his saliva.
“Can you guys give us 2 minutes?” Donghae asked through clenched teeth at the way Eunhyuk’s muscles contracted around his member.
“Come on, Kangin-ah. Let’s leave them alone.” Leeteuk said, pulling his boyfriend with him to give his dongsaengs privacy.
“But Teukie-ah! We also have to take care of our problems.” Kangin whined, pouting but allowing himself to be dragged away.
They ended up finding another closet and doing it there twice.
When he found out what Kangin had done and his decision to ‘take a break’ by going to the army he had been pissed off. He had told Kangin that his temper would get him in trouble. And now they would be separated because of it. And it was the fear of separation and being alone that scared the living hell out of Leeteuk. Nothing scared him more than being alone. And it was only reasonable that after Kangin announced he was leaving for the army, Leeteuk became a bit more clingy. He knew it, Kangin knew it, and people noticed. Kangteuk became one of the major couples of their fans. Leeteuk needed to be next to Kangin, knowing what was coming. He almost completely broke down the night before Kangin left. It was hard on all of them, but Kangin took care of him.
The night before Kangin left, they’d made love and it felt more intense than anything Leeteuk had ever felt. They were wrapped tightly in each others’ arms-Leeteuk too afraid to let go, Kangin not wanting to leave Leeteuk alone. Leeteuk may be older, but he was more fragile than even Ryeowook, and he knew that Leeteuk depended a lot on him he’d confessed that he was weak and that he needed Kangin by his side. That he’d finally found happiness with Kangin.
“I don’t want you to go,” Leeteuk whispered on a broken sob. He was finally happy and it was all being taken away from him. He didn’t think he was strong enough without having to someone to depend on. Kangin was his rock. He thought it was unfair that he was the leader only because he was the eldest. He would gladly give up that responsibility to anyone else. He didn’t want it. The pressure was too much.
First Kibum left to work on his acting career, and it was to better himself so no one could fault him for leaving. Then Hankyung left. Sued the company and left. Leeteuk sympathized with him, he really did, but Hankyung hurt Heechul so much by leaving. They all signed the same contract. Yes he was a foreigner and his anti-fans were some of the worst amongst even the worse of them, and because of his nationality he was treated badly even on national television, even being made to wear a mask. But he thought Henry and Zhou Mi had it worse. They weren’t even aloud to be part of Super Junior because of fans. He hated himself for saying that Henry and Zhou Mi weren’t part of Super Junior only to appease some fans. They were both so talented and smart and wonderful people and because fans didn’t want it, they were segregated to China as part of Super Junior-M. Because all that mattered to Lee Soo Man were fans. Higher number of fans for a higher number of sales.
But what hurt him the most wasn’t that they left. It was that Kangin was leaving him. Alone. To take care of this bunch by himself. Their dongsaengs called them umma and appa. How was he (the umma) supposed to take care of all of these kids without his appa around? He didn’t think he’d be able to handle it. he grabbed tighter on to Kangin.
“Don’t leave me alone, please.” He said in a tiny voice, feeling much younger and helpless than his age. His greatest fear was being alone and now that he had Kangin he didn’t want to lose him.
“Teukie…” Kangin held him closer, taking a deep painful breath. His heart ached for the man he loved. “You know I have to. If it’s not now it’ll be later. Better to get it out of the way. You’re going to have to do it too, before you get old.” Kangin tried joking. Leeteuk snorted, trying to find it funny but instead ended up feeling more dejected.
“I’m old~!” he wailed, more tears pouring out.
“no, no, no.” Kangin said trying to salvage the situation, getting up on his elbow and wiping away Leeteuk’s tears, kissing him briefly on the lips, tasting salt. “You’re not old, Teukie. You’re perfect. Heechul-hyung was right: you’re like peter pan; you’re never getting old.” Kangin smiled, knowing Leeteuk had a weakness against it (it was a contender against Sungmin’s aegyo, thank you very much!). sure enough, with a few more kisses, Leeteuk stopped crying and even flashed him a dimpled smile. The smile faded slowly as the impending separation was just a few hours away.
He sighed wearily.
“I don’t want you to go.” Leeteuk began with a shaky breath.
“Teuk-” Kangin started but Leeteuk cut him off.
“But this is for our country, it’s an honor to serve, not just a duty. I know that. I feel that way, knowing that I’ll have to do it too. But that doesn’t mean I have to like it.” he finished, tightening his arms around Kangin as he buried his face in Kangin’s neck, inhaling deep to memorize Kangin’s scent and musk.
“I love you. Please never forget that. Promise me that you’ll come back to me.” Leeteuk whispered, eyes watering again, a few tears sliding down his cheeks, tears which Kangin kissed away.
“I love you too, Jungsu.” The sincerity and seriousness in Kangin’s eyes made him gasp out, a sob stuck in his throat.
“I love you more than anything. I promise I’ll come back. Wait for me.” Kangin whispered, a question, both unsure yet hopeful.
“Always.” Sealing the promise with a kiss they pressed against each other again. This time they lasted over an hour, moving against each other, Kangin deep in Leeteuk. This would be their last time together before Kangin left. They wanted to have this moment deep in their memories, every thrust, every gasp, every scratch of Leeteuk’s nails on Kangin’s back, trying to tattoo his pleasure in the skin, Kangin’s fingers marking the skin, claiming him as his own.
They awoke still intimately connected, sadness and longing in their kiss, even though Kangin hadn’t left yet, because they knew THAT would be their last time. They wouldn't be able to do it later.
“Make sure to call me whenever you can. Please. I need to make sure you’re ok.” Leeteuk said, almost desperately, after the tears had stopped, not of his own will but because there were too many witnesses, and they were saying their final goodbyes before Kangin was taken away. They couldn’t kiss like their hearts yearned. Instead they had a death grip on each others’ hands, their goodbye hug lasting longer than was considered friendly, drawing curious glances from everyone except their members. Kangin tried to play it off by calling him a cry baby and saying he was coming back and that it wasn’t forever
“Come back to me.” Leeteuk whispered one last time, before they reluctantly broke apart. Kangin nodded, saying his final ‘I love you, my angel’ as he cradled Leeteuk’s face in his palm, wiping away the tears, pressing their forehead together before being escorted away, making Leeteuk’s heart clench painfully. For someone who was such a manly man and didn’t like PDA, Kangin was drawing a lot of attention with the way he was behaving with Leeteuk but he shrugged it off. It wasn’t any of their business.
As the eldest, Leeteuk was supposed to be the strong one, but he was still human and nothing could stop the heart wrenching sobs once he was in the privacy of their dorms. Even Heechul was quietly comforting him rather than cracking crude jokes. Siwon was unable to return to the dorm as he had a schedule immediately after, but on the ride home, he had his arms around Leeteuk, the older but still smaller man sitting on his lap, shaking as he tried to hold in his tears. His strong arms helping to keep the older man in one piece. Siwon looked pained in having to leave Leeteuk alone.
“Hyung…” Siwon said looking like a kicked puppy, feeling helpless in that he couldn’t bring Kangin back to make Leeteuk happy again.
Through his tears, Leeteuk put on a strong face and smiled, saying he was ok. They couldn’t neglect their work only because he was being a cry baby.
Kyuhyun had stopped playing games long enough to try and offer comfort to his hyung. The only one he listened to was a heart broken sniffling mess. He looked at Sungmin and wondered if the shorter man would react that way. No, he decided. Leeteuk may be the eldest, but even he knew that Leeteuk was fragile. Sungmin was stronger than that and though he knew Sungmin would be worried, not only as his boyfriend, but because he was the youngest, he knew Sungmin wouldn’t be in the despair that Leeteuk was in, which only made Kyuhyun that much more sorry and sad for his hyung. Leeteuk loved Kangin more than Kyuhyun had ever seen someone love another person. And he knew Kangin loved Leeteuk just as much but now Leeteuk was alone and not even their presence could take his mind off Kangin. He hated seeing his hyung like this. Who would he listen to when they told him to do something? Who would protect him and remind him to eat and sleep and to ‘stop playing video games because we have a schedule, Kyuhyunnie’? Who was he going to look up to if Leeteuk was like this? He hated seeing his hyung cry. He just prayed these next two years would pass quickly.
Eunhyuk and Donghae couldn’t fall asleep knowing their leader, their rock, their umma was suffering like that.
“Teukie-hyung?” Eunhyuk questioned, stepping into the room with Donghae behind him, seeing the puffy eyes, red nose and disheveled hair.
There was a grunt from the limp body on the bed. He must have exhausted himself and cried himself to sleep, were the thoughts running through both their heads but they saw a pair of big almond eyes shift to look up at them, lifeless.
“Teukie-hyung.” Donghae stepped closer and sat on the bed, by Leeteuk’s body, hand coming up to lightly pat his shoulder, then moving up to comb his fingers through soft hair. He hated seeing Leeteuk like this. Leeteuk was like his father. Leeteuk was the one who his father asked to look after him, he was the one who was always there for him, he was the one he could talk to and do everything with, the one he looked up to. He was more of a family than anyone else. He felt tears burning in his eyes and he blinked the blurriness away.
“Teukie-hyung.” He began again only to get choked in tears. He cleared his throat and began his pep talk. “Everything is going to be alright. Kangin-hyung is strong and nothing is going to happen to him.”
No response.
“Teukie-hyung.” Eunhyuk tried. “We don’t want you to feel alone. We’re here for you. I know we’re not Kangin-hyung, but we do love you. Not in the same sense, but it still hurts us when you cry. Seeing you like this makes us sad too. We don’t like seeing you like this Teukie-hyung.” Eunhyuk said, tears forming in his eyes. He hated seeing Leeteuk like this-their fallen angel shouldn’t have to be so heartbroken and in despair.
“You’re our angel.” Eunhyuk choked on a sob, but continued on, finally seeing a reaction from Leeteuk. The older man took a painful broken gasp of a breath, more tears spilling.
“We need you to smile again.” Eunhyuk sniffled, trying to smile too. “You’re the leader. We need you to be happy and strong. We can’t be happy if you’re like this. You know what a crybaby Donghae is and how he gets when he sees you sad.” He said even though he was the one crying. But sure enough, tears stained Donghae’s face too, even though he tried to blink them away.
“I’m sorry.” Leeteuk apologized. “I’m a terrible leader.” He felt self loathing putting himself before the group, before his dongsaengs.
“No. no, Teukie-hyung. You’re a great leader. The best!” Donghae said hurriedly, forgetting his own tears as he smoothed his hands through Leeteuk’s hair in an attempt to shush him and calm him down. Cupping Leeteuk’s face, he wiped tears away before hugging the older man tightly.
“I love you Teukie-hyung. We wouldn’t be anywhere without you. We hate seeing you like this. I don’t like seeing you sad and it breaks my heart to see you crying. You’re our fallen angel, Teukie-hyung, and angels aren’t supposed to cry.” He felt Leeteuk’s grip on his shirt tighten as his body shook with a ragged breath before Leeteuk slowly let him go and Donghae moved to stand next to Eunhyuk, ignoring the wet stain on his shirt.
“Teukie-hyung…can we sleep here tonight?” Eunhyuk asked in a meek voice, blushing as he looked away before chancing a hopeful glance at Leeteuk.
With a small smile Leeteuk shook his head, but made room anyway. Wiping the rest of his tears away he scoffed at himself. He felt pathetic. His dongsaengs were taking care of him, not the other way around.
“Look at me. I’m like a little kid sleeping with his parents.” He said, a mirthless laugh in his voice. Both Eunhyuk and Donghae ignored the sarcasm and smiled, sharing a look at having successfully stopped Leeteuk from crying and calmed him down.
“So that means Eunhyuk’s your umma now Teukie-hyung?” Donghae asked, a mischievous glint in his eyes.
“Yah! You jerk!” Eunhyuk exclaimed loudly, leaning over Leeteuk and hitting Donghae on the arm.
“Teukie-hyung, he hit me.” Donghae whined, rocking against Leeteuk to get his attention.
“He started it.” Eunhyuk defended.
“What are you, five?” Leeteuk playfully scolded. “I thought I was being the baby?” He pouted. “If you’re going to stay here, you’re going to behave.”
“Fine, fine.” Donghae quickly acquiesced, hugging Leeteuk to him, feeling Eunhyuk do the same. Above Leeteuk’s body they shared eye contact that expressed more than words ever did. Love, loyalty, adoration, knowing they were both in this together, taking care of Leeteuk for the sake of all of them and Leeteuk himself. Donghae’s long arms reached over Leeteuk and settled over Eunhyuk’s waist possessively. They loved each other and that’s all that mattered. That they loved Leeteuk was a given, he was like a father to both of them, but more to Donghae. They would always be there for him, no matter what. It took a while but Leeteuk had emotionally and psychologically exhausted himself and fell into a deep sleep. Even though he was wrapped in a warm embrace it wasn’t the same. When he awoke, he saw Eunhyuk’s hair, the younger man burying his face in Leeteuk’s chest, Donghae pressed almost too intimately against his back, but none of that mattered; Kangin wasn’t there.
Intellectually he knew that Kangin would only be gone for 2 years and even though he was in the army, nothing was going to happen to him, he was a celebrity (hopefully that would protect him). But he kept worrying himself crazy that all the worst things would happen. Emotionally it took a toll on him. He had never loves anyone like he loved Kangin. He had felt incredible sadness when Donghae’s father had passed. The man had been like his own father. The pain he felt for Donghae was powerful, he couldn’t even imagine what Donghae had gone through. But he had tried his best to be a good hyung and always be there for the younger man When his father told him that he was responsible for Donghae…it went beyond being the leader of Super Junior. It was almost as though he got a son (more of a little brother) but the responsibility had ground him. Kangin had been by his side, helping him, loving him, at times taking the responsibility from him for a few short hours so that Leeteuk would be able to collapse from exhaustion and over work. He constantly got sick and Kangin helped nurse him through it all and it was because of all the work and constant pressure and, holy shit he got a son! That he was responsible as though it were his own flesh and blood, and even if he wasn’t, Donghae meant more to him than just a friend.
He hated how dependant and reliant he had been on Kangin at first, but as time went on he realized that he couldn’t do it by himself. And now, after finally finding his happiness with Kangin, it was taken away from him. The overwhelming sadness at being alone was what kept bringing the tears.
That morning the house was quieter than usual, the atmosphere a bit awkward. Sungmin and Ryeowook were in the kitchen trying to make a breakfast that would cheer up their leader. Kyuhyun was locked away in his room, too awkward to know what to do, knowing that his attempts at jokes would be misconstrued as rude, according to Shindong, who had so kindly pointed that out on NATIONAL TELEVISION, with his laptop and half a day’s worth of food (according to him, to Sungmin it looked like he was going to hibernate for the winter). Heechul, Shindong and Siwon were already gone for filming for either a drama or radio DJ. Yesung, Eunhyuk and Donghae were on the couch watching TV.
“Hyung, you ok?” Yesung asked, prepared to make a fool of himself if it meant Leeteuk would smile.
Leeteuk gave a small appreciative smile before nodding minutely.
“Yeah, I’m fine. Thank you. You guys don’t have to worry about me. I’ve thought about it and I’ve decided to be strong for Kangin-ah. As your hyung and leader, I have to be strong for you guys as well. Men can’t show weakness, right?” immediately there were protests from all those present, but Leeteuk silenced them. “I know what I have to do. We all have a lot of responsibilities, and as leader I have to make sure we’re all strong, starting with myself. Because…we are??”
Immediately all joined in -even Sungmin and Ryeowook who had come in from the kitchen (Kyuhyun had his headphones on so wasn’t aware of the conversation taking place)-and as one they said
“Super Juni-OIO”
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~
A year and a half had passed and Kangin was still gone. He would be back in a few months and Leeteuk was getting anxious. He had spoken to Kangin on the phone multiple times, their conversations always short but full of whispered promises and love…except a few where Kangin had gotten jealous because of the fanservice he did with Siwon, which he quickly tried to smooth over by telling him the truth-it was just that, fanservice. Siwon was more than interested in Heechul, who was still too in love with Hankyung to do more than just the fanservice, but Siwon was also very into Eunhyuk and Donghae, who even though they were ok with the fanservice, wouldn’t do more, much to the tall man’s dislike. Who knew Siwon was into threesomes.
But now…Heechul was also leaving. He announced that he was leaving to train and Leeteuk had almost had a complete breakdown.
He couldn’t do this on his own.
He was so overworked-they all were. But as leader he had more responsibility not only to look after his dongsaengs but to make sure that everyone was doing what they were supposed to be doing. He was literally the umma of the group, even waking them up when they were all together, and calling them to check up on them to see if they were ok if they were apart or in a different country, always looking to see if they had already eaten even if he had skipped a meal.
They all looked after him as well, they worried about him even if they told him he was ok, that he was the eldest and was supposed to take care of them. But even he could tell that his careful smiling façade was showing cracks and he knew that people could notice. It was getting harder and harder to fake a smile even though he knew that as a celebrity no moment of his life was private and even when he was dead tires, after a schedule and on his way home, he still had to keep up appearances. He thought he could handle things but he was reaching his limit and he didn’t know how long it would be before he lost it and completely broke down
Although Heechul was only serving active duty as a police officer and could continue to live in the dorm, Leeteuk still hugged him close when it was time for him to leave. He had almost lost Heechul on more than one occasion and the slightly younger man wasn’t one to show much emotion but Leeteuk could tell he was a bit scared. Heechul and he argued all the time, they were like water and oil but he still loved the crazy man and he didn’t want to see him go. He was grateful in a messed up way for the accident Heechul was in. At least now he would live in the dorm, even if he couldn’t perform with them, but he would be there to take care of their dongsaengs when Leeteuk would join the army next year. He had to do it before he was 30 or else he would get in trouble with the law. But he knew that when he left, Kangin would be here and he would be away from his love for even more time.
Hugging Heechul close and ignoring the others protests, Leeteuk took the moment to ask him,
“Heechul-ah…” he whispered, stilling the other’s wiggling to get away. “Can you do me a favor?”
“Yah! What do I look like doing people favors?” though with no real bite. This was Teukie-hyung after all.
He was off to train but because of his leg he was still going to be able to live at the dorm. He didn’t know how he would handle things without Leeteuk there and that scared him more than anything in the world.
“Can you please tell Kangin to call me if you happen to run into him? Surely you can pass along the message? It’s important.”
It wasn’t that Leeteuk never spoke to Kangin. On the contrary, they spoke whenever Kangin wasn’t busy, which lately had been rather rare. The floods up north had taken a lot of man power to clear the way for civilians and looking for survivors and helping maintain order and peace under the chaos, but Kangin called about a week ago and he was beginning to worry. He would call every week if he could but it had been over 9 days and their calls were painfully short at best of times, always leaving Leeteuk yearning for just one more minute. Just hearing Kangin and knowing he was safe was enough to Leeteuk but as Kangin’s return date approached, he was beginning to get antsy and he yearned for time to hurry. The calls always consisted of “don’t worry hyung, I’m fine” because there was always someone around. He was just grateful that their ‘I love you’s’ weren’t considered strange.
But the desperation in Leeteuk’s voice and there was this look in his eyes…Heechul didn’t like it one bit.
“Ok, hyung.” He agreed, anything to get that look of despair and he was so overstressed that even Heechul could tell he was too wound up and he would snap any minute. “Just…please don’t do anything stupid. And just wait for the call, ok?” Heechul said seriously, needing his own confirmation and promise from the slightly older man. Heechul never called Leeteuk hyung, only sometimes and in public to look as though he had a bit of respect. But really they were only 9 days apart-he always spoke informally to Leeteuk. But he was the hyung-the only one Heechul had to look up to. There was something really wrong with the picture Leeteuk painted and Heechul didn’t like it one bit. This feeling of dread growing in his stomach with each passing moment, each second Leeteuk had that look in his face-like he was just tires, weary, at the end of his rope, his nerves on edge and he was about to break. Heechul hated it. It might not be obvious to everyone, but Heechul knew Leeteuk-he needed help and since Heechul was going away he couldn’t do it.
When Leeteuk left, Heechul excused himself from his superior and went to find a bathroom. There he called Siwon.
“Hello.”
“Siwon. There’s something wrong with Jungsu.” There was an immediate reaction from Siwon. The slight panic in Heechul’s voice sent dread through his body. It was disturbing to Siwon. Heechul was never like this. The use of Leeteuk’s real name put him on high alert and he went on alpha mode even though Leeteuk was his hyung. The older man was frail in comparison to a lot of them and his childlike demeanor made him even more precious to all the members. Siwon was not immune to his hyung’s adorable and playful nature and there was a time when even he had fallen for the older man. It’s just that he only had eyes for Kangin, and he was no one to stand between love.
“What’s wrong with Teukie-hyung?” Siwon asked not looking forward to the answer. He immediately began to call Jesus. ‘Please don’t let it be anything bad.’ He prayed though subconsciously he knew it to be otherwise.
“I need you and the rest of them to look after Leeteuk. Promise me you won’t leave him alone by himself for too long.”
Siwon just got more confused with every word. He thought there was something wrong.
“What?” Surely that request was as ridiculous as Siwon thought it was. Of course Leeteuk needed to be alone- everyone needed their privacy. But this was intriguing so he asked, “Why can’t we leave him alone?”
“I think…” here he hesitated. Was he really going to voice his fears? What if he was just being paranoid?
No, he thought resolutely, something was wrong and he needed to be sure that Leeteuk would be taken care of. Better safe than sorry.
“I think that Jungsu is at his limit. He can’t possibly take anymore. I think he’d going to have a breakdown and do something stupid.”
so yea.......