(no subject)
I just won 216 bucks playing poker... the adrenaline is flowing still... its a fairly good end to Spring Break...
It was eventful, and at the same time not.
I worked, I hung out with peeps, it was good times, but still...
I am not the same person I was. It has now been almost 6 years. 6 years since I started to force myself to change totally, and completely. For the most part I've succeeded. I'm still a big, awkward, hairy jew... but I've made it, in some weird way, work. But I can't help but feel I'm behind on the times.
Sure, I achieved a semblance of a social life... even though I still wish for more. But all in all, that is what my achievements in changing myself has amounted to. I have been able to push back my crippling paranoia, and ignore it. Big whoop.
My friend Manuel, using the term lightly of course because I haven't spoken to him in a number of years now, whom I've known since kindergarden has a kid. Angelo is about to gain a little one of his own, if he hasn't already. Anthony and Robert, the two Mormon's who used to preach about no sex til marriage are getting some on a nightly basis... Roberts living with Andrea, and I think Anthony's basically living at Ruths. Me? The second I think about a girl, any girl, in a more than friendly manner I totally freeze up... As long as I think about them as if they're just another guy, I'm fine. But where does that leave me in the whole dating category, I can't talk to girls whom I am thinking of as girls... if that makes sense.
People are graduating... applying to gradschools, finding real jobs. I just hung out for an evening with McDuff, Jesse Brownstein, and Roanne and Sonja Sharp. It was odd seeing these three who I at one point had known fairly well due to Jew School, but had fallen way out of touch with. All 4 of them were full of chatter about what they were doing once/when they graduate... I was left to imagine what it'll be like for me graduating in what? 1 year... 2? maybe 3 or 4... it sucks.
Gah... I was so happy with the whole poker win thing, where did this contemplativeness come from... feeling lower than my friends is something I haven't quite gotten rid of from that time years ago. I can deal with it... here. Thats why I've kept this thing to be honest. It used to be a good tool for communicating, not for talking things out. Now theres only 3 or 4 people who even peruse these pages, and they're all people whom I don't mind feeding my mind to... if they even read my marathons.
Despite not adequately explaining how I feel, this is the best I can come up with to summarize. Most people seem to have some sort of conundrum in there pre-teen/early teen years. Most of them work through it a bit faster, and with a bit less trauma than I did. By the time they are 15, 16, 17, they have come to grips with themselves, and have found some sort of niche. One in which they are comfortable, have friends, and eventually, whether through meeting others like you in this group, or finding others like you at work, or a party of decently like minds, people pair up. Now this is simplifying absolutely everything, but its the basic idea of how it happens I think...... It took me until, oh, maybe a year or two ago to finally be comfortable with most of the things that make up me as an individual. Thats a 5 year gap there from when things are supposed to happen, and it has thrown everything off. Instead of finally feeling comfortable with myself at the same time as everyone else in my age group they are all leaps and bounds ahead of me, and I can't see what can be done to bridge that gap... phew.
Again, I must say, where did this all come from.
~Live in interesting times
It was eventful, and at the same time not.
I worked, I hung out with peeps, it was good times, but still...
I am not the same person I was. It has now been almost 6 years. 6 years since I started to force myself to change totally, and completely. For the most part I've succeeded. I'm still a big, awkward, hairy jew... but I've made it, in some weird way, work. But I can't help but feel I'm behind on the times.
Sure, I achieved a semblance of a social life... even though I still wish for more. But all in all, that is what my achievements in changing myself has amounted to. I have been able to push back my crippling paranoia, and ignore it. Big whoop.
My friend Manuel, using the term lightly of course because I haven't spoken to him in a number of years now, whom I've known since kindergarden has a kid. Angelo is about to gain a little one of his own, if he hasn't already. Anthony and Robert, the two Mormon's who used to preach about no sex til marriage are getting some on a nightly basis... Roberts living with Andrea, and I think Anthony's basically living at Ruths. Me? The second I think about a girl, any girl, in a more than friendly manner I totally freeze up... As long as I think about them as if they're just another guy, I'm fine. But where does that leave me in the whole dating category, I can't talk to girls whom I am thinking of as girls... if that makes sense.
People are graduating... applying to gradschools, finding real jobs. I just hung out for an evening with McDuff, Jesse Brownstein, and Roanne and Sonja Sharp. It was odd seeing these three who I at one point had known fairly well due to Jew School, but had fallen way out of touch with. All 4 of them were full of chatter about what they were doing once/when they graduate... I was left to imagine what it'll be like for me graduating in what? 1 year... 2? maybe 3 or 4... it sucks.
Gah... I was so happy with the whole poker win thing, where did this contemplativeness come from... feeling lower than my friends is something I haven't quite gotten rid of from that time years ago. I can deal with it... here. Thats why I've kept this thing to be honest. It used to be a good tool for communicating, not for talking things out. Now theres only 3 or 4 people who even peruse these pages, and they're all people whom I don't mind feeding my mind to... if they even read my marathons.
Despite not adequately explaining how I feel, this is the best I can come up with to summarize. Most people seem to have some sort of conundrum in there pre-teen/early teen years. Most of them work through it a bit faster, and with a bit less trauma than I did. By the time they are 15, 16, 17, they have come to grips with themselves, and have found some sort of niche. One in which they are comfortable, have friends, and eventually, whether through meeting others like you in this group, or finding others like you at work, or a party of decently like minds, people pair up. Now this is simplifying absolutely everything, but its the basic idea of how it happens I think...... It took me until, oh, maybe a year or two ago to finally be comfortable with most of the things that make up me as an individual. Thats a 5 year gap there from when things are supposed to happen, and it has thrown everything off. Instead of finally feeling comfortable with myself at the same time as everyone else in my age group they are all leaps and bounds ahead of me, and I can't see what can be done to bridge that gap... phew.
Again, I must say, where did this all come from.
~Live in interesting times