Prepare for the Worst, hope for the best.
From the very start, I dreaded this coming my way and I knew it was the path I specifically, painfully did not want to take. I fear pain from both parties, I fear endless damage done, and I fear ending up with another slap of it for the second time around. But I knew this, was worth it. Is worth it. Supposedly, the dreams weaved before these recent happenings should have been worth it.
Apparently when you hear the things you dread the most, the most painful, judgemental thoughts of others in bringing you down and just summing you up to someone "not good enough", suddenly your mind will just go blank. You know you feel pain somewhere, wait for tears to roll down, but they don't. Because you don't sink it in. It's too big of a news, too bull's eye shot straight to your heart that everything else feels numb. You can still walk, your heart still beats, your mind still can think of endless back-up plans. But when you sit alone in silence and back to reality, it then dawns on you everything you've thought was just a huge nightmare. And the worst is yet to come.
I think at this point down the road, I can say I've gone through the ugliest scenarios of my life - and the dirty parts are still coming my way. All the crisp words are still ringing in my ears, but I'm trying to gear myself up for more. I know I'm going to put up with the best of what I can give, what change there can be done.. but there's always a fine line between trying too much versus overboard. There's also a dead end, and I guess I leave it to God's will be done at this point. I know it's crazy, but I'll do the bestest-best and that's all the fight I can put - the rest, I have to surrender it to Him. If it should end up as the worst, I need to prepare myself though - to shatter all the dreams created, to strengthen myself in order to stand on my own, to believe good things will come despite how I can't imagine it to be.
It's going to be a painful one, dear heart. Please hold on, 'til we're breathing & beating, we're gonna love like crazy fools, as though there's no tomorrow. We're gonna be judged, brought down, and even be rejected. But it's okay, He said it's going to be okay. Or so we force ourselves to believe, because that's all there is and will ever be.
Apparently when you hear the things you dread the most, the most painful, judgemental thoughts of others in bringing you down and just summing you up to someone "not good enough", suddenly your mind will just go blank. You know you feel pain somewhere, wait for tears to roll down, but they don't. Because you don't sink it in. It's too big of a news, too bull's eye shot straight to your heart that everything else feels numb. You can still walk, your heart still beats, your mind still can think of endless back-up plans. But when you sit alone in silence and back to reality, it then dawns on you everything you've thought was just a huge nightmare. And the worst is yet to come.
I think at this point down the road, I can say I've gone through the ugliest scenarios of my life - and the dirty parts are still coming my way. All the crisp words are still ringing in my ears, but I'm trying to gear myself up for more. I know I'm going to put up with the best of what I can give, what change there can be done.. but there's always a fine line between trying too much versus overboard. There's also a dead end, and I guess I leave it to God's will be done at this point. I know it's crazy, but I'll do the bestest-best and that's all the fight I can put - the rest, I have to surrender it to Him. If it should end up as the worst, I need to prepare myself though - to shatter all the dreams created, to strengthen myself in order to stand on my own, to believe good things will come despite how I can't imagine it to be.
It's going to be a painful one, dear heart. Please hold on, 'til we're breathing & beating, we're gonna love like crazy fools, as though there's no tomorrow. We're gonna be judged, brought down, and even be rejected. But it's okay, He said it's going to be okay. Or so we force ourselves to believe, because that's all there is and will ever be.