i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart), J2 AU, 1/1, [R], beach!verse
Title: i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)
AO3 | Beach Verse Master Post
Author: sandymg
Beta: borgmama1of5
Summary: Jensen and Danni discuss Jensen's California visit to Jared. (Part of the beach!verse)
Wordcount: 3,200 - one-shot
Genre: RPS, J2 AU
Pairing: Jared/Jensen
Rating/Warnings: R
Disclaimer: This is fiction. No harm intended. No profit made.
A/N: Story title from the poem [i carry your heart with me(i carry it in] by e. e. cummings
A/N2: Verse can be read chronologically or in the order written starting with past indifferent seagulls. This is the last story chronologically and all are linked that way.
i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)
Tracking the changes of his beach is instinctive to Jensen. He doesn't so much process as absorb. Wild-grass brightening from platinum to foam, dunes contracting and expanding in huge puffed-out breaths, the ocean dissolving from sky bright swirls to glazed tendrils, waves curving into smiles with the moon’s gentle tug.
Now the water is an early morning whisper, pale steel, smelling of solitude and mystery. His breath ghosts before him as he tucks his hands in his pockets, the cold piercing his gloves. The tiny hairs in his nostrils tingle from the wind as his cheeks and nose redden.
He’s been home for one day.
It was blissful madness flying across the country to Jared. He’d flown before, but never a spontaneous trip like that. He carried a duffel with a toothbrush and underwear. The lightness belied the length of the journey, each minute ghosting by in agonizingly slow motion.
Secured in his seat, he couldn’t find the concentration to listen to his iPod or to read. His forehead pressed into the cool glass of the tiny window. There was nothing but black at first, but then a golden glow sprang from where the earth curved and his eyes blinked at the outlines of cotton clouds. He didn’t remember pulling out the sketchpad and colored pencils but half a day later Jared discovered the drawings and met Jensen’s eyes with that expression of awe Jensen will never completely fathom.
“They’re lovely.”
Jensen studied the smudges of color on the pad. The ochre rays escaped like fire sparks into the blue sky. It had reminded him of Jared’s eyes on bright summer days. He’d told Jared that and was rewarded with a smile sunnier than any sunrise.
“You’re here,” Jared had said again. He seemed unable to stop saying that.
“I’m here,” Jensen replied each time.
They’d clutched in desperation. Hands roaming and lips crushing and eyes greedily swallowing each other whole. He’d let Jared fill him in a quick breathtaking swoop, gazes locked and sweat-film slide of skin on skin, every slap a punctuation between murmurs and gasps and whispered adorations. It had only been two weeks since Jensen’d last seen him but every flutter of Jared’s heartbeat against his felt like renewal, like rebirth, like home.
Later, the chill of the air conditioning trailed along his skin like a specter’s lick. Leaning up on his elbow, Jensen traced the shapes of clouds, of whitecaps, of the dunes, of starfish and mermen and finally, his own name in a curly script with his index finger against Jared’s slowly relaxing chest muscles. Jared caught Jensen’s hand over his heart, lifted it, sucked Jensen’s finger into his mouth. With blunt teeth, Jared nibbled at his fingers, the sensation a less painful version of what their kitten did to Jensen on a regular basis.
I love you, Jensen shouted in his head. I love you so much I don’t know what to do with it. How do people live with this? He shoved his head nose-first into Jared’s shoulder, practically into his arm pit. Musty, sweet-sour and so Jared he wanted to smush his face even deeper. Wanted to crawl inside Jared and swim up his veins, meander past his cartilage and muscles and ribs until he was in Jared’s very core, wanted to burrow into Jared’s heart and sing to it a prayer of benediction.
Jared giggled. “You’re tickling me.”
The vibration resonated into Jensen’s ear, through his shoulders and chest and down to his toes. He sought Jared’s mouth, kissing him deeply, wetly, open-mouthed, sucking the breath out of Jared’s lungs. Jared returned the kiss as passionately, clutching the back of Jensen’s head so he couldn’t move, not that he would. Tongue exploring his own, sucking and thrusting deeply into Jensen’s mouth, then pulling back with a tease only to come forward again.
Everything. I learned everything from you. Didn’t even know how to kiss, what it meant, how it could feel. The hunger and the burn and the need…
“Fuck, I’m hard again,” Jared growled into his ear.
Straddling Jared in one quick move, Jensen pistoled his hips forward, reaching, pulling. It was always like that, like a race he never wanted to end. A moment later Jared flipped him and pinioned Jensen in his arms, watching him with nearly black eyes before descending down.
“Want … want you … “ Jared’s words were breathed into Jensen’s neck, Jared’s lips trailing nibbles along his collarbone, soft, light kisses over his chest, down his belly in spiky little licks. And then there was nothing but wet, hot saliva branding him … The world whited out in a delirium of pleasure.
Jensen’s visit lasted one day and one night.
They left Jared’s sublet in the afternoon for a walk along the beach. Jensen marveled at the warmth between his toes despite how new the year was. It smelled sweet, like cotton candy had dissolved into a million small grains.
“It’s so soft,” Jensen exclaimed, reaching down.
His sand was coarser, wetter, distinct, every grain refusing to assimilate, battling to stand out. Jensen has spent hours with his pigments capturing the ripple, mixing mediums for texture and wielding brushes with the controlled abandon of a conductor and his orchestra.
They passed a woman with an easel on the boardwalk. She was using watercolors to catch the soft hues, gentle notes like the folk music of the nearby busker.
He blinked as Jared said, “It’s great, right?”
“Very … relaxing,” Jensen replied carefully.
“It stays that same amazing blue all the time. Can always go swimming.” Jared smiled at Jensen. “Even you’d get a tan.”
Jensen fought his immediate revulsion at the explosion of freckles that would mean. He stood still as Jared wrapped his arms around him from behind and pressed his lips to Jensen’s temple. “I love you.”
Staring at the Pacific, he inhaled until his stomach expanded, let it out slowly, a balloon losing air. With his eyes shut he replied, “I love you, too.”
They ate dinner quickly because Jensen’s flight was early in the morning and they needed that night to last a long time.
He sank into Jared, stared deeply into the sunrise of Jared’s eyes and silently spoke again, mind filled with nothing but Jared. I love you, love you, love you.
The desperation of before gave way to a slow slip-slide. Like time had no meaning if they just stayed bonded, locked within each other. He pushed and pulled but never far, always touching, connected with lips and eyes and sweat. He almost cried as he came because sleep was inching up his limbs, possessing him and, no, he needed to be here, needed to keep feeling Jared, needed to keep holding on.
“Hey, hey, it’s okay. I’ll be home before you know it.”
I’ll know it. I’ll know every moment you aren’t there. The almost-anger bit with a sudden snap and his face heated. I forgot how to live without you. And you won’t be there, not for much longer. Because you belong here as surely as the Pacific can’t hug another coastline.
“It’s pretty, isn’t it?” Jared asked on a sleepy sigh and Jensen’s heart stammered, pounding hideously loud in his eardrums.
And it is pretty, the West Coast, the tiny strip of the southern edge of California where Jared is studying. It’s gorgeous by almost any measure.
Yet Jensen is standing, staring at his ocean with a hopeless dread. His girl, he thinks with an inner ironic laugh. He only knows that leaving her … leaving her …
“Jensen! I knew I’d find you here.”
He spins to see Danneel approaching, bundled so only the tiny sliver of her nose and her watery gold-brown eyes are visible.
It’s not him, not anything he ever does without thinking, and yet his arms are surrounding her and he’s leaning his chin on the top of her parka’s hood, the faux-fur trim tickling his nose.
“When’d you get back?” he manages through a too-tight throat.
“Pretty much now. You weren’t there and, well, I just came here.”
She tightly hugs him back, then pulls away to grip his frozen cheeks. “C’mon, let’s go home.”
A rippling wave sputters behind them, mist drifts lazily over them. He turns to watch it recede and feels the sadness to his bones. “What would I paint?” he asks her. “What could possibly speak to me as much?”
She ignores his comment, though she knows what he means. They’d spoken of it before either Danni or Jared had left. And they’ve spoken on the phone a few times since she’s been gone. Not that it would matter even if he’d never previously said a word - of course Danni knows what he means.
“You never emailed me about your trip,” she says as they start walking back.
“I knew you’d be home today. Figured we’d just talk.”
She does a double take. He knows he just startled her. He’s not the one for talking.
“So you still think Jared wants you to move out to California?”
He nods and she buries her chin in her collar against the cold. He wraps an arm around her. “Jared belongs there.”
“Jensen … “
“Danni, it’s okay. I’m not jumping to conclusions or flying off a deep end. I just … I’m glad you’re back.”
They are quiet until they’re back in their apartment and Danni slowly unpeels her layers.
“Tell me about Italy,” Jensen urges. He’s heard some stories, is curious for the rest.
“I will. In glorious detail. But for now, c’mere.” She tucks her feet up on the sofa and he plops next to her, head on her shoulder. She strokes her fingers through his hair and he’s so happy she’s home.
He swallows hard because there’s a ball-sized lump in his throat. His heart is cleaved in half between Jared and Danni and the West Coast and the East Coast and there’s no way to choose.
“Mom said I was holding you back,” he admits suddenly because it’s been eating at him with a cancerous sort of guilt.
“What?” Danni says. “Jesus, Jense, you know your mom never has a clue about anything. Holding me back from what? I live every day the way I want.”
He tips his head back to catch her eyes. “Danni. We’ve been roommates since we were eighteen.” Ten years … hell, most marriages don’t last that long.
“Do you no longer want to live with me? Is that it? It’s okay, I figured you and Jared-“
“No. I … no.”
He shuts his eyes because he can’t continue. Behind his tightly shut lids, lights sparkle like fireflies.
Danni draws him closer. “We’re going to figure it out. You and me and Jared. We love you too much not to.”
He wants to believe. Needs to with every fiber of his being. But the blue of that other ocean is like a spinning siren, hypnotically shiny and bright. New and alive and full of sunlight. It’s sunken its claws into Jared, enrapturing him like the warm lover he deserves.
The gentle petting of his hair renews. “I promise. We’re going to figure it out.”
He squeezes Danni’s hand once tightly, then straightens out. “You need to unpack. I’m gonna … “
“Head to the studio,” she finishes for him.
“Yeah.”
“I’ll be here.”
Dot chooses that moment to reacquaint herself with Danni, jumping on the couch and patting Danni’s thigh with her sheathed claws. “Hey, kitty,” Danni squeaks. “Daddy took good care of you. Bet you miss your other daddy.”
Jensen staggers a step at her words and Danni looks up. “Go, smash it out on canvas. Bring pizza on the way back. We’ll talk.”
Twenty minutes later he’s in the zone. There are gray and silver and white-tipped slashes meeting a moist peat-colored edge. It’s not sunny, it’s not bright, it’s not fucking pretty. But it’s real on a visceral level that Jensen feels to his marrow.
He ignores the first time his cell buzzes, but when it goes off again five minutes … fifteen minutes? later he absently picks it up. “Yeah, I know, mushrooms.”
“Sounds good.”
Jared.
“Oh. Um. D-Danni’s back. I’m bringing home pizza.”
“You’re working?”
He nods before realizing Jared can’t see him. “Yeah.”
“Your ocean,” Jared says and a hand twists hard in Jensen’s chest as he hears resignation in Jared’s tone.
“Jay … “ He can’t think of what to say.
“Yeah?”
“I … I should go get the pizza.”
“No.”
Jensen is startled. “You don’t want me to bring Danni pizza?”
“Whatever crazy thing you are thinking now. The answer is no if it means us not being together.”
“I know you lo-“
“No, you don’t. You’re clueless. But I’ll remind you when I see you next week. And, Jen … that includes her, too.”
Jensen’s eyes rove to the painting he’s started. It’s angry and harsh. It hurts like the biting wind and the stinging salt-filled mist. He shuts his eyes and turns around, facing his back to his work.
“Jared, I … I love you.”
It’s rare. Not the first time he’s said it, but he said it unsolicited. It’s not something he does.
“I need to be home,” he adds quickly, before Jared can respond.
“Okay. Get the pizza and go home. I love you, too.”
Jared doesn’t understand because home isn’t an apartment on this coast. It’s the beating heart of a man 3,000 miles away.
He walks back with determination because if anyone in the world can help him deal with this, it’s Danni.
“Delivery,” he sing-songs waiting for her to open the door.
Her smile is white-bright, eyes warm, swimming with fond affection. He thinks of the moment he first saw her, a young girl dancing with firefly fairies.
This - her - he admits, is also home.
How many hearts can one heart carry?
“He called here,” she tells him as he sets the pizza on the table.
For a moment Jensen is confused. Then he asks, “Jay?”
She nods. “Said you didn’t answer your cell. So he tried the house line.”
Jensen gives her a considering look. “You two talk about me?”
She grins. “Yes. Because you are the center of all universes.”
He sticks his tongue out at her and ducks away before she can swat him with a throw pillow.
They stretch out with their feet on the coffee table, the pizza box between them. He ponders turning on the TV, but doesn’t. He doesn’t look at her when he volunteers, “It was so good seeing him.”
“I know.”
Cheese drips onto her chin and she uses her tongue to try to swipe it. He takes pity and wipes it off. He’s a bit lost holding up his sticky, cheesy finger as her eyes laugh at him. “I missed you.”
“I know,” she repeats.
“He doesn’t think there’s a problem.” He pauses a breath. “And for fuck’s sake don’t tell me you know.”
Between chews, her face grows contemplative. “Why do you think there is?”
“Because I love him more.”
“More than he loves you?”
“No, that’s not … I need him to be happy. And seeing him there. Danni … it’s so him.”
“I don’t think he could give you up,” she says solemnly.
He doesn’t disagree but his interpretation of what that means likely doesn’t match either Danni’s or Jared’s. Except Danni knows him so well. “Jensen, no, you can’t … “
“I’d like to think I could do anything for him. But, Danni, I don’t know if I could move. And if that’s the case … My mother needed to let my dad leave … I never told you that.”
“There’s a way. That isn’t you. It’s her. Your mom’s black and white and sure, sometimes that’s the way the world works. But not always. And you know that. You bleed that … Jensen, what color makes up ninety percent of your paintings?”
It’s not surprising that Danni is faulting his mother. There’s never been any love there. They are the sun and the moon. In many ways, the difference is similar to the difference between himself and Jared. Is it any wonder a boy raised by moonlight seeks sunshine in those he loves?
Danni looks at him earnestly. “Okay. Here’s the skinny. I made a promise to Jay. You are to make no insane decisions while he is gone.” She stops to laugh at his pout and reaches out across the pizza box to take his hand. “Hey, I get it. We’re home here.” Her eyes darken. “You think I don’t get scared either? But … I trust Jay. He told me once never to worry. That he gets you. That he loves you, crazy and all.”
“It’s not that simple,” he says stubbornly.
“No. It isn’t. But nothing worthwhile ever is.”
His lips purse again because he knows his ridiculous pouts always make her smile. Maybe it is possible to carry more than one heart. Maybe the strength of Danni’s and Jared’s is what’s making his own pound crazy hard in his chest right now.
“Okay,” he says with a sigh. “I’m going to make sure you can keep your promise.”
He stares at the blank television a moment, remembering the phone call with Jared. “Wait,” he says accusingly. “You also promised to take care of me, didn’t you?”
Expecting a ‘who me?’ rebuttal he’s surprised when the pure golden stare of her gaze pierces him. “I never have to promise that.”
This heart thing, he thinks. Guess it works both ways. The responsibility suddenly feels like physical weight.
His mother would definitely tell him to stop whining. Stuck between coasts and not giving anyone what they really need. Best to get out and depend on himself and stop needing people altogether. Make a choice. Simple as that.
“When Jared gets back,” he says when his thoughts get too heavy, “let’s all of us talk it through.”
“Let’s do that,” Danni agrees before digging back into the pizza box.
fin
Continues chronologically in glancing back in your direction
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[i carry your heart with me(i carry it in]
by e. e. cummings
i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)
Art credits: banner photo by Clif Kosterman; painting by C. Egal-Feely