Beholder, Ch. 3, NC-17, RPS, AU, Jensen/Jared

[sandymg]

Jared turned the key in the lock and sucked in the ever present slightly dank animal smell and felt home.

“C’mon in,” he gestured to Jensen. “I’ll make us some coffee.”

Jensen followed silently. Jared asked him to wait in the reception area while he went into the back office and got the Mr. Coffee going. God. What a night. He eyed the time. Nearly two. His head pounded. Between Sandy and the drinking and the running and the Jensen.

As it brewed he came back out. Jensen was perched on one of the plastic chairs. Sitting on its very edge. Ready to flee, Jared thought. He shrugged off his jacket. “Jensen, it’s warm in here. Why not take off the jacket? You’d be more comfortable. And it’s only us in here.”

Jensen shook his head wildly and brought his arms around himself. Jared retreated immediately. “Okay. Fine. I’m sorry.”

Of course their entrance had disturbed the dogs, who’d started barking. “I should go check … Do you want to come with me?”

Jensen followed him through the swinging door and past the examination room to the kennels. They held anywhere between fifteen and twenty-five animals at once. It could get loud. As the men entered the barking got frantic, and Jensen stopped short. He started growling, low and guttural, and he was holding himself like ... like a two-legged alpha dog.

Fighting the moment of surrealism Jared put his hand gently on Jensen’s arm again. “It’s okay. They’re all in their kennels. They can’t hurt you. You can wait out here, if you wish. But I wanted you to meet Sadie. She’s … special.” Jared turned to face Jensen. Like you are, he thought, but didn’t say.

The frenzy turned into wagging tails and excited woofs as Jared was spotted. “Hey guys.”

He grabbed some doggie treats and spent some time with each dog, working his way down the row slowly. Jensen hung back, not getting too close. But he’d stopped growling so Jared considered this progress. After a few minutes Jensen skipped ahead to the smaller cages at the far end. Jared knew immediately what he’d seen.

“Open?”

Jared looked over as Jensen indicated the latch to the small cage holding the gray kitten.

“Sure.”

Jared walked over to the last of the dog pens. His special friend was inside. “Hi girl.” Sadie let out a dainty bark and eyed him eagerly. He opened the door and squatted down to nuzzle her. She was a mess when she’d been brought in, had been struck by a taxi. No collar, but she was so good around people that they figured she’d once had an owner but had been abandoned. She was a medium-sized German Shepherd mix. Alona had saved her life and Sadie eventually got stronger. But she was an adult dog and they hadn’t been able to place her.

Jared had finagled to let her stay at the shelter.

Her warm body felt so good pressed into him. She wriggled and that’s when he realized for the second time tonight he’d been squeezing a bit too hard.

He’d wanted to bring Sadie home. Sandy had met her. Multiple times in fact. And she’d been affectionate with Sadie and petted her and agreed with Jared that she was indeed a very good and sweet and pretty dog. But it always came down to the same thing. The apartment was too small.

He looked at Sadie’s present cage. Sadie wouldn’t have minded their apartment.

Sandy had implied that if Jared was earning a real salary somewhere, if they could afford a house with a yard, that maybe, someday …

Sadie’s shiny brown eyes gleamed at him with unconditional affection.

Jensen’d been making small, deep, purr-like sounds. It blended with the other sounds yet stood out at the same time. Jared was locked into Sadie’s liquid stare when he heard Jensen’s voice from down the room.

“Your mommy dead,” Jensen said softly to the kitten. His voice cracked slightly on the word ‘dead.’

And Jared lost it.

The day had been too long. The night too cold. Sadie nudged her head into Jared’s chest as it began to heave. Crap. Sandy was all he knew. They’d been together six years. He assumed he’d marry her. Start a family. This feeling that he didn’t know her was eating him up inside like acid burning through metal.

Distantly he heard a click and then strong arms surrounded him. He sank into the warmth and the firmness and dropped his head into the crease where Jensen’s shoulder met his neck, blanketed by the soft fabric of the hood. It pulled the hood to one side but Jared didn’t look up. Didn’t want to move. Jensen was on his knees and started rocking back and forth slightly, taking Jared with him.

He inhaled and smelled Jensen’s clean earthiness and the soothing tang of the animals around him. Sadie whimpered and nosed them both. Jared tried to force himself together. Gave out a shaky half laugh.

“Right.” He sniffed in and smushed his face into Jensen’s shoulder knowing he was getting snot all over his friend but not caring. He tried again and breathed in hard. “God, I’m a mess.”

Jensen pulled back but kept his hand on Jared’s biceps. For the briefest moment they were level and Jared caught that green glimmer again and a swatch of reddish beard before Jensen looked down and the shadows took over.

Jared petted the top of Sadie’s head. She was worried about him. He looked up at the squeeze upon his arm. So was Jensen. A strangled laugh came out. “It’s funny. I keep thinking I have to take care of you.” He stood slowly, taking hold of Jensen’s warm hand as they came up together. He swiped at his wet eyes. “Yeah. Not so much.”

Sadie danced around his leg. Jensen looked down at her. “This is Sadie.”

Jensen squatted down and Sadie leaned in and licked his face within the hoodie and Jensen giggled and Jared freaking started to cry again. God. What was wrong with him? Even though he hadn’t made a sound both Sadie and Jensen immediately looked up.

Once again he found himself wrapped in a tight hug.

It wasn’t until Jared’s breathing had slowed and evened that he realized that his hands had crept up and inside the back of Jensen’s jacket and were kneading the surprisingly firm muscles of his back through the thin tee-shirt. They were touching chest to thigh and his breath hitched quick. He yanked back as if burned because comfort had just turned to … to … oh god … what the hell was he doing?

“I … I’m sorry. I … “

“Jared?” Jensen sounded confused. Of course he was. Because Jensen had been trying to be a friend. And Jared had just jumped like Jensen had electrocuted him. Which he had. But that was … oh god.

“I … I’m okay. I’m just. There’s stuff going on at home. With Sandy. But it doesn’t … it’s not … “

He was babbling. He knew this. Get a grip, Padalecki.

Jensen took his hand and squeezed once before letting go. He turned to the side. “Did Beast make trouble?”

“What?”

“With … Sandy? Girl not like Beast.”

“No. I mean, yeah, she yelled at you that first time. But I told you it’s because she wasn’t expecting anybody there. You surprised her. My problems with Sandy, they don’t have anything to do with you. It’s about us.” He paused. “About me.” He lowered his hand back to Sadie’s bobbing head. “She … doesn’t see Sadie. Doesn’t see that kitten.” Doesn’t see you. “Like I do. And that … hurts.”

Jensen tilted his hood. “Kitten beautiful.” He took a step closer. “Like Jared.”

“Like you.”

Jensen nodded no furiously. “No. You … wrong. Ugly. Beast ugly. Hideous.”

Jared was out of tears. Which was good. Because this was breaking his heart. “I will not argue with you, Jensen. Don’t have the strength. But you are so wrong.”

Jensen squirmed. Jared took a deep breath and straightened his shoulders and pushed all his crap back inside. “Let’s get back to what’s important,” he said with resolve. “You said the men at that restaurant were putting out poison for the stray cats?”

“Yes. Saw … they all dead. Belle’s mother. Gray, like her.”

“Belle?”

“Kitten. Beautiful. Name her Belle.” A hesitation. “Is okay?”

Jared’s lips curved up for what felt like the first time in years. “Yeah. Belle. That’s better than okay. It’s perfect.”



The restaurant turned out to be a divey diner about a half mile away. It wasn’t one Jared had eaten at or ordered from before but that wasn’t surprising given how many similar restaurants there were in the area. It was a nondescript place with a standard menu of burgers and sandwiches and delivery service. Jared peered into the window and made out some booths along the wall and a smattering of wooden tables in the center. It sported some sort of flag motif with red, white and blue stars decaled to the walls. The chairs were placed upside-down upon the tables and the floor was tiled and clean.

So much for appearances. Jared turned to Jensen. “Show me.”

He followed Jensen around the side of the restaurant to an alley where there were metal double cellar doors and numerous trash bins. A large dumpster stood against the brick siding. He pulled out the flashlights they’d taken from the shelter and checked some of the darker corners. A mouse scurried by but otherwise there was nothing to see.

“Gone now,” Jensen said.

“What’s gone? What did you see?”

Jensen pointed his flashlight behind the dumpster. “Here. Large gray cat. Dead. Three babies. And food. Not garbage … ” Jared watched Jensen struggling to find the words. It dawned on him that his way of speaking wasn’t lack of education. It’s like he had all the words. But they came out all mixed up. “Tray food.” Jensen struggled again. “Food. In tray. Cats eat and die.”

Jared nodded. Unfortunately, this wasn’t unheard of. He’d had reports of such abuse before. They had some animals brought in post-poisoning. But they’d all died. Belle was a very lucky kitten.

“See me and yell.”

Jared startled, not expecting Jensen to suddenly speak again. “The men who run the restaurant? Jensen those were the same men--?”

“Yes. Here eat. Scraps. They throw away, not stealing. They not want the food. Beast hungry. Not stealing.”

“I know you don’t steal. It’s okay.”

“Not understand why yell. No bother anyone. No one see … No scare anyone. Stay hidden.” Jensen stopped and paced around in his near feline way, feet making almost no noise. “Now understand. Don’t want kill Beast.”

Jared’s heart skipped. The restaurant workers hadn’t wanted Jensen to eat the poisoned food. It would have been much harder to dispose of a dead body than a few dead cats. Those assholes had actually been trying to do a good thing when they dragged Jensen away. His head spun and he tottered slightly. Jensen’s hand was on his arm steadying him.

“Jared. Beast careful. Know if food bad. No eat. No worry.”

“Yeah. No worry,” Jared repeated stupidly. Except he didn’t mean it. And this was so unacceptable his mind had stopped even trying to come up with words to say how much. He shook his head. They were here for a reason. “Do you see any more containers left out?”

Jensen swept the area again slowly. After a few minutes he said. “No more. Will come back. Not right. Cats eat. Sometimes people, too. Dangerous. Have to stop.”

Jared nodded but then thought of something. “Earlier tonight … did they see you back here, Jensen?”

Jensen looked away. Clearly he was avoiding the question. “Jensen? What happened?”

The hood turned back toward him. He felt eyes upon him again. “Big one … he saw. Yell at Beast.”

This wasn’t good. Jensen shouldn’t be hanging around here any longer. Those guys’ altruism may not last. They knew Jensen was homeless. Had no one. If he got in their way too much … Jared swallowed a burst of hysteria. Was it just too long a night? Was he being paranoid, turning some ordinary restaurateurs into potential murderers? But they had no qualms murdering the cats.

Jensen had his arms crossed and stood gazing at the dumpster. Jared couldn’t see his face. But Jared knew there was nothing but steely resolve hidden there. He’d never be able to keep Jensen away from here. Crap. “How ‘m I supposed to keep you safe?”

Jensen took a step closer. “Jared good. Too good. Beast be fine.” He pointed to the dumpster. “Kill Belle’s mother. Wrong. Have to stop.” He paused, looked down and then back up. The street light was too far away to reach this alley. The shadow of the hood completely blanketed his face in darkness. Just the way Jensen liked it, Jared thought.

“Need do this,” Jensen added. Voice sure and lucid and whiskey rough.

Jared squeezed his flashlight. One quick shift up and he’d be able to shine it at Jensen before he could move. He could see the beast. Jensen shifted to the side as if reading Jared’s mind.

Jared shut off the flashlight. Felt like apologizing although he wasn’t sure for what. “I have to go home,” he said instead.

Jensen nodded his head.

“You still have my phone number?”

Jensen nodded again.

Jared stood in the alley unmoving. He had to go home. See Sandy. Salvage his life.

He had Jensen in a tight half grip before he could talk himself out of it. “Don’t you dare let anything happen to you.”

Something between a sigh and a laugh came out from beneath the hoodie. A warm palm touched his face very quickly before withdrawing.

Jared spun away and was running before he allowed himself another thought.

Sandy was in bed when he let himself in silently. Sophia was stretched out on the sofa. Great. He’d counted on that sofa. He didn’t want to … He shook the thought away. It was wrong to not want to sleep with Sandy. She was his … she was Sandy. Same woman he’d loved for years. He was just overtired, stressed out.

He kicked off his shoes and padded into their bedroom. Sandy was lying on her side of the bed, facing away from his, pretty much in her usual sleep position. It was the most normal scene in the world. He’d come home to this dozens of times after late nights in the shelter taking care of one of their charges. And Sandy was good about that. Sure, she’d complain here and there. But not so much. Not all the time. She understood.

He remembered the losses. The ones they couldn’t save. Her hands on his back, elsewhere, gentle, rubbing. Urging him to lie down and forget. This is what’s important, Jay. You, me. And he’d sink into her and let it fade. But she hadn’t meant the rest wasn’t important. She couldn’t have.

Laying on the bed he started to turn toward her like he always did. Stopped. Went to turn the other way but that hurt, too. Finally, he lay on his back and stared at the ceiling, trying to still his mind. When he was little and would wake up from a nightmare and run into his parent’s bedroom, his momma would say to imagine something really beautiful, to let it sit behind his eyelids until it burned and then his dreams would be beautiful, too.

Jared shut his eyes. Saw flashes of unfathomable green eyes and gray and downy fur and a kitten named Belle held tight against a beautiful heart. He held the image tight until the soft gray overpowered all and he succumbed to sleep.



Sandy was already out of bed by the time he woke up the next morning. He heard feminine voices outside.

“Soph, is it me? Am I being unreasonable?”

“You’re a saint, Sandy. Trust me. Look I love puppies and kittens as much as the next person but Jared is obsessed. And letting that homeless guy in your home? Yet you are the one feeling like you were unreasonable?! God, San, that guy was … wild … I … I’m still shaky just thinking about it. I can’t believe you actually spoke to him.”

“Not like I had a choice. He practically accosted me. Asking for Jared like they were friends or something. Thank goodness he seemed to buy that we were calling Jay, as if I ever would … Creepy, strange man.“

“Thank goodness we called the cops.”

“Mmm. And the worst part is that now that Jared’s befriended him he thinks he can come over here and get a hand-out all the time. It’s like putting out cat food in the alley. You know then the cats will be back. I tell Jay this, but he doesn’t listen. But this is so much worse. Soph, Jay is hardly here. What if I’m alone the next time … ”

Jared exited the bedroom. He knew he should feel outrage at this latest betrayal. But the sadness overwhelmed everything. “Sandy.”

“Jared, you’re up. I … do you want coffee?”

He took a mug and filled it, acknowledging Sophia with a nod. Sophia looked between them nervously. “I should go. Sandy, you gonna be okay?”

Sandy looked at her friend, smiled wanly. “Yes. Thank you. I’ll call you later.”

Sophia left without saying anything further.

Jared took a sip of his coffee and turned toward Sandy. “We should talk.”

She seemed surprised that he’d spoken. “I was going to go for a run.”

He nodded. “Okay. But before you go I need you to know something. About Jensen.”

Her back straightened upon hearing Jensen’s name. Brown eyes flew up to meet his, wary and suspicious.

Jared was only twenty-five years old yet he felt ancient. The tiredness pulled on his body like gravity on Jupiter. “He’s not looking for hand-outs.”

“I didn’t-“

“Let me finish. He doesn’t have much. I understand why you might have thought what you did. And I did give him some things. Clothes and a pair of sneakers.” He stared at the coffee mug in his hand. “A cup of coffee.”

Sandy’s eyes followed his gesture to the coffee, her mouth twisted quickly before relaxing. He wanted to ignore it. But it was impossible to stop seeing now.

“I gave him very little. Practically nothing. Which was still more than he asked for. Because he asked for nothing.” He walked a little closer, peered down, willed her to try to understand, because he’d loved her for six years and he didn’t know how not to and every blink of her cool eyes were breaking his heart. “And do you know what he gave me?”

Her head tilted, brows scrunching, the question clearly unexpected and odd and for a moment he wondered if she even understood it. But then resolve entered her stare. “Gratitude? Jay, honey, you don’t need to convince me of how good you are. I know this.” She looked down. “It’s hard sometimes. You care so damn much. And I … I just want to live my life, our life.”

He dropped onto the stool by the counter. Even sitting he towered over her. He could lift her with one hand. She was tiny and charming. She laughed and it sounded like singing. “Yes. Jensen was grateful. He thanked me. But that’s not what he gave me.” His eyes locked with hers willing her to please hear him. To get this. “He gave me his trust.” Jared jumped back off the seat, couldn’t stay contained. “Sandy. Think about it. Think about him. What you saw. What his life must be like. When they dropped him off at the shelter, they shoved him toward me. Dumped him like garbage. Kicked him.” He ran a hand through his hair. She’d taken a step back, eyes on him. “At first, I fought them about leaving him. I’m not so good. Not so perfect. I didn’t know what to do. He huddled like a frightened animal. I’m six five, huge, a stranger. Yeah. I gave him a jacket and some clean boxers. Big fucking deal. That’s nothing. So that trust … it … it was a gift.”

She’d taken yet another step backward. Face pale and eyes wide and fuck she still didn’t get it.

“Sandy. You called the police.” He couldn’t believe he’d actually have to spell this out.

Her eyes darkened. “Yeah. I did. Because he wouldn’t leave.”

“He asked for me. You should have called me. You lied to him. God, Sandy, that was the worst kind of betrayal.”

She laughed, high and nervous. “Betrayal? Now that’s a bit melodramatic. He’s a vagrant. I reported him. What did you expect me to do with him? Bring him up and make him coffee and let him watch movies with us? Jesus, Jared, grow up. I hardly betrayed him.”

“No. You betrayed me.”

Sandy was silent, breathing hard. “I don’t … I don’t know what to say. I don’t even know what we’re fighting about anymore. Jared, what do you want from me?”

“I want … God, I want you not to have called the police. Not to have even thought of it. I want to stop feeling like this. Because I can’t … can’t …”

She approached. Touched him with her hand. Her eyes glowed warm and his heart sped up and for a moment it looked like maybe she saw, felt … that it wasn’t over. Because it couldn’t be. What would he do? “Jay. What is this? How can he be so important? More important than … I had to call the police. He’s dangerous. He scares me. I don’t want him near you, near us anymore. What’s this about really? What’s bothering you? This can’t be about some sick stranger dumped on your lap.”

Jared had thought if you felt your heart stop you’d pass out. That you’d be dead. Yet here he was breathing. She looked at him intently, willing him to tell her something that hadn’t yet been said. But he had no new words. They were speaking foreign tongues. They’d disconnected so completely the words would vanish before vibrating into sound. He took a deep breath and studied her, looking for that beauty he always thought she possessed.

“Sandy. In front of the building. When you saw Jensen. When he asked for me. Did you see anything other than a sick stranger? Even for a minute? Before you got scared. Before the fear took over. A second, a moment … did you see?”

Her head was shaking. “No. What else is there? That’s all there is, Jared. He’s more animal than human. Monstrous. Those eyes … Jared, it’s not just me … Sophia, Chad. We all called the police because he’s not safe.”

“I don’t care about Sophia and Chad. I wasn’t in love with them.”

She staggered. “Wasn’t? What are you-you don’t love me anymore? Is that what this is about?”

“I don’t know.“ Even thinking that he was no longer sure was like a knife in his chest.

Sandy sucked in air and turned her back to him. Her arms wrapped around herself. “I should … But I don’t … I don’t have anywhere to go.”

“I’ll stay in the shelter for a while.”

“But there’s nowhere to sleep.”

“I’ll take the sleeping bags outta storage.”

He returned to the bedroom and tossed some items in a duffel, forcing his mind blank.

When he walked back into the living room she stood where she’d last been, arms still crossed tight. “You didn’t even ask … “ she said as he passed. “… if I still love you.”

The bitterness in her voice wrapped around him as he worked his way down the stairs without looking back.

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