(no subject)
I really need to update this damn thing.
It seems like forever since I've written in it..
To be exact, about 25 days.
A lot has happened in 25 days.
Basically I spend my weekends in Lansing now.
My dad even said to me the other day,
"So I suppose you're going to Lansing?"
Haha, yes I was actually going there.
Then he says to me,
"Here's an idea, transfer to LCC or MSU,
and then just LIVE down there.
You do for the most part on the weekends."
Haha, oh Papadito..
But to be honest it doesn't sound like a bad idea.
For a while I was seriously considering changing
my plans just to be closer to someone that I realize
now isn't going to be around much longer anyways.
So I have really decided now that I live my life for
myself. Not anyone else. I am not going to try and
live vicariously through another person just to be
close to them or to have their attention. I realized
that there aren't many people around worth doing
that for. Especially the people in my life. I love all
my friends and my family and whatnot, I'm not
hating on anyone here. But the thing is, there is
no one out there that is pulling me towards them.
I don't have the unexplainable pull towards some-
one to the point where I want to move across the
state for them. Not gonna happen people.
And if you think about it, if you're off living
someone else's life, then who is going to live
yours? How much sense does that make?
Your life was existant before them, it will
be after them as well. "There is no one
else in the world like you. So why try being
someone else?" I remember my senior
year when we were voting on class mottos,
and I put that down and a bunch of people
from my class copied me because they
thought it was cool. Didn't get picked, no no,
instead we had a Dr. Seuss quote. Ta-Riff-Ick!
But it definitely got in the top 3.
:::pops collar:::
I have realized that in my 7 or 8 months of
meeting great new people from almost every
major college, and casually dating without
getting hurt, that I have left some people out of
my life. And it hurts me to realize that. Karma
definitely kicked my ass. Sure I have great
friends now, I'm not saying no one is good
enough for me here. No one has to be "good
enough" to be my friend. What I am trying to
say is that after falling really hard for someone
that was not only my lover but my friend and the
person I ran to in my time of need, and now
not having them around anymore for reasons
I still really don't understand, I am now feeling
the hurt I have caused all my friends in the past.
All the people that were there for me and never
let me down. I let those friendships slip away
because I couldn't spare just one weekend to
actually stay in Chesaning or give an old friend
a call to just talk or have dinner. I know that I did
wrong and I'm willing to take the blame for what
I have done and willing to accept the consequences
of it all. All I can say is that I am sorry. So sorry.
Okay, now I apologize for getting all mushy and
depressing there for a minute. I am not upset at
all. I am dealing with my problems as they come
and taking it with a grain of salt each day. There
are still those times when things get really fucked
up, but I realized that life goes on. Most of my
fuck ups and "mistakes" as people call them,
have brought me to where I am now. And to be
honest... the view ain't bad from here.