Impossible, Ch 2: Instinct
Impossible
Disclaimer: The characters and other things from The Vampire Diaries don't belong to me. Credit goes to the rightful owners.
Chapter 2: Instinct
Damon stared at the empty doorway as if Elena still stood there, wondering what it was that he was missing. There was something in the way she turned and looked at him before vanishing from sight that unnerved him. Her apology, no matter that it lacked the actual word 'sorry', was expected. It was the part of her that cared unfailingly, even for those who did not deserve it. It was the part of Elena that made her vulnerable, the side of her that Damon needed to toughen up if she was to be kept alive. But he didn't expect her hesitation or the acceptance of his words about how every other life is expendable but hers-this is what made him wonder.
He understood that saving her involved tough love, the kind that would expose her to extreme heartache. Damon knew keeping her alive didn't just mean taking bullets or hiding her in a safe location. Part of that job was making sure she would be strong enough to get herself through whatever it was that was coming. She needed to be her own hero, stronger and braver than she is now, because Damon knew he had little chance of surviving this time around with the plan he had in mind.
"What did you do with her?" Elena said jumping out of her seat to confront Damon.
"Can you please calm her down?" Damon said to Stefan, who stood silently rooted to where he stood.
"Don't talk like I'm not standing right in front of you." Elena said angrily, tears streaming down her face
"Please calm down." Damon said with deliberate slowness, emphasizing each word.
"You knew…you knew that if she harnessed all that power that she would die, didn't you?" Elena demanded, knowing the answer but wanting to hear it just the same.
"Yes. Yes, I know." Damon answered without remorse, his face carefully arranged to show nothing of the mess he was inside at watching Elena fall apart.
Damon closed his eyes as he remembered the tears he caused, the anguish clear and ragged in her voice as she accused him. He was sharp and cutting when he replied when all he wanted was to take it all back. It wasn't his pain that he felt when she hit him. The only thing that coursed through him was the emptiness Elena felt thinking that Bonnie had died. He wanted to take it away and tell her everything was okay but he needed her to understand why it had to be done. Damon needed her to see the strategy behind it and not emotions or his own guilt. It didn't matter that he broke yet another part of her that night, or even if he added another thing to the list of his unforgivable sins against her. The one thing that kept her from reaching out and crushing her to his chest in a tight embrace was his determination to keep her alive.
He meant every word he said to Stefan. He was comfortable being the bad guy, as long as he got the job done. It suited Damon just fine because it was nothing new to for him to be hated. In more than a hundred years, he hid behind that persona as if it shielded him from the heartaches the world set out for him. Stefan chose to agonize over what he was and was careful not to come even close to the boundaries he set for himself, afraid to hurt anyone. Damon, on the other hand, tested every limit and ignored those that did not serve his purpose. He was no stranger to the looks of disappointment from those around him. But it didn't mean it didn't hurt, especially when it came from the one he loved.
The look on Elena's face was too close to the one he saw that fateful night he broke Jeremy's neck. It made him want to scream in pure, unadulterated fury, if only to take the edge off for just a few seconds. He wanted to hate himself, blame the world and whatever else crossed his path because facing raw emotions was something he wasn't ready for. Anger was easier to understand, so he chose that every single time than face the collateral damage he accused Stefan of prioritizing.
But there was something about Elena that stripped away the false bravado, forcing him to slip up and show that side of him that was honest and real.
"I will always choose you."
This was his apology, in advance, for whatever crimes he is yet to commit in service of his mission to save her. In so many ways, it was the confession he compelled her to forget. Damon loved her and this was the closest he was going to get to letting her know exactly how much she meant to him. Everyday he kept his distance, placing enough space between them that he doesn't suffocate in her presence, of being so close to something he wants so badly but can never have.
He closed his eyes, remembering the split second decision he took before risking saying those words to her, wondering if she would figure it out somehow, that she really knew him that well, and that somehow she really did understand why he did what he did. A flicker of hope burned in him when she hesitated, as if there was something she wanted to say, perhaps a response to match. But the resigned sigh that escaped her lips erased that and he was left with an empty good night, making him feel cold and impossibly alone.
Damon shook his head and ran a hand through his hair, replaying everything from that scene in his mind, desperately seeking the source of his unease. For a second, he wondered if he mistook Katherine for Elena again but he dismissed that, laughing internally thinking at least this time he had enough restraint this time to not kiss her. And then suddenly it came to him, his head snapped up as Elena's words floated into his consciousness.
"We'll find another way."
"No, no, no," Damon whispered over and over, things clicking into place, her words echoing in a haunting loop in his mind as he finally figured out why Elena chose to remain silent and why she looked at him, as if there was something more she wanted to apologize for. Everything about her screamed that she had a plan in her head, one she didn't want him to know because it probably involved placing herself right where danger can find her.
How he knew to go down to the basement, Damon didn't bother to understand. It was irrelevant to comprehend the details of how his mind worked when it came to Elena as long as it led him to her. All he knew in the seconds it took him to get to Elena was that he was going to find something he didn't want to see.
"It seems I'm not the only one with a penchant for doing stupid things when I get upset," Damon said, not even bothering to hide his irritation as he picked up the dagger from the floor.
"My house, my way, remember?" Elena said weakly, suspended in her own disbelief as Elijah's bargain hung over her heart heavily, "I call the shots. No lies, no secret agendas."
"Excuse me, Miss I-have-a-death-wish, you broke your own rule. I think this counts solidly as having a secret agenda because this was not what I had in mind when we asked you to sign those documents," Damon said crossing his arms in front of him, resisting the urge to shake some sense into her, "What have you done?"
"I pulled out the dagger," Elena said quietly.
"Stating the obvious won't get you out of this mess, Elena," Damon retorted, "I want to know why and don't tell me you're actually convinced we're lucky enough that somehow Klaus and Elijah will just kill each other and all our problems will be solved."
"We need his help, Damon," Elena pleaded, wanting him on her side more than anything, an irrational desire burning in her that needed him to understand her, "He knows how Klaus operates and maybe, just maybe, he can come up with a better plan."
"No, Elena, don't be naïve," Damon pointed out, his voice dripping with false calm, "His plan will still be the same-use you as bait and then kill Klaus. You know why that's his plan? Because it's effective and it will require the least effort on his part. Why will he bother with complications that only serve your purpose and not his? Elena, his plan will not involve a win-win situation. But judging from the manic, suicidal look about you right now, I'm guessing you know that. The only question is what deal did you make with him this time?"
"You're angry," Elena said in a small voice.
"Yes, Elena, again with the obvious!" Damon exploded, his hand closing into a tight fist, "I know what I did to you tonight was cruel and I am to blame for pushing you to do something about my cavalier attitude towards the witch's life but I never imagined you'd do this. What were you thinking?"
"I was thinking of you!" Elena said, matching his intensity, losing what little control she had left, letting the world fall away from them, "All of you," she amended, "All the lives we're going to risk in the hopes we defeat Klaus. I can't stand it. I won't have all that blood on my hands or yours, for that matter. If I can end it as cleanly as possible, I'll take my chances."
Damon was silent for a long time, listening for Stefan's footsteps, knowing it was inevitable, given their screaming, that his brother would not come barreling down the steps to the basement. He had a minute, give or take, and he was going to make it count.
"Do you know why I want to save you?" Damon said in a low voice, closing the small distance that separated them, "Stefan has a hero complex and claims you're the love of his life, those are his reasons. Bonnie is your best friend and she thinks this is her destiny, to be the super witch who saves the day. Alaric, minus the guest in his body, is a vampire hunter and thinks you're another innocent life to save. Caroline is a loyal friend and will be there with you, no matter the state of her love life. Your family, well that's a given. But me, did you ever wonder why I'm still here?"
Elena shook her head, entirely focused on Damon, living only in that moment with him, waiting for him to continue.
"Elena," Damon started, knowing fully well that Stefan was within hearing distance, "I'm here because I have nowhere else to go. I'm tied to you in ways I don't even understand because you're the only thing keeping me from completely giving up trying to be good. I'm not just fighting for your life, Elena, I'm fighting for mine because it will destroy me to lose you. Saving you means I don't fall to pieces and become the monster I know exists inside me."
Elena looked at Damon, her eyes glistening with unshed tears, her voice catching as she spoke, "Is that the only reason?" she said, somewhat pleading with him to say what was left unsaid.
Damon gave her a pained smile, unable to trust that he would be able to fight the need to tell her that he loves her.
Elena sighed and blinked the tears away, "The bargain is my life for one person I love, just one for me place under his protection. Just one to save."
Damon laughed bitterly, "Easy problem for me but I supposed it's practically impossible for you to make that call. I'll leave you to it…and Stefan since he's rudely eavesdropping outside anyway."
He stepped away from her, placing the dagger in her hand before leaving. Elena's hand closed around the weapon but her other hand shot out to hold Damon's, keeping him in place, "I haven't given Elijah an answer. I can't…"
Damon sighed and pulled her hand away, lifting her chin by his finger, "Elena, you already know the answer, I can't see it in your eyes. You just don't want to admit it because you can't reconcile it with the happy ending you're still clinging to. But if it's any consolation, I promise you that you won't have to make that choice. I will get you out of this mess with Elijah. If he wants to play, even if he's an Original, then he goes by our rules."
Elena nodded at his reassurance, responding with a small smile, wondering if he really did see the answer in her eyes.
A smirk found its way on Damon's face, "Before I leave you to explain to Stefan where our previously rotting houseguest is off to, I want to make a deal with you. See, I have a guess as to who you're bound to choose but I'd like some confirmation. So, here's my offer, if I get you out of this will you tell me who is the one person you'd give your life for?"
"Shouldn't the answer be obvious?" Elena said trying to keep her composure, hoping Damon wouldn't sense that she was shaking inside, afraid to be found out.
"It's not," Damon said evenly, his eyes observing her intently, "or you would have given Elijah his answer the second he asked. The only thing I know for sure is that it's not Stefan."
Elena blinked back surprise, opening her mouth to protest but then shut it again.
Damon eyed her curiously, lifting the spell with his on cavalier words, "Relax, it was only a joke," he said knowing Stefan was listening just outside, "You can come in now, brother. I was only teasing."
But the look in Damon's eyes confirmed Elena's fears-he knew he was right and someday, he will hold her to their agreement, then he will know that she meant to die to save him.