Between your world and mine
White Space
Disclaimer: The characters and other things from The Chronicles of Narnia don’t belong to me (sadly). Credit goes to those who do own them.
“How much do you think we’ll remember this time?” the queen asked the king next to her
“Maybe everything, maybe the beginning or just the end, I don’t know. Last time I remembered nothing. I thought I had a dreamless sleep.” Caspian said
Susan nodded and stared at the horizon. The sun was setting now and the waves turned crimson as their borrowed time came to a close. She sighed as she let the remaining rays warm her face.
“Where do you think we’ll be next time?” she asked, trying to suppress the feeling of longing growing within her. She had yet to say goodbye and already she missed him.
“Is it my turn to choose already? Maybe at a field or a mountain top?” Caspian answered with a smile thinking about the other times they met months after she first left him, “It doesn’t matter, as long as I see you again.”
Susan nodded and hugged her knees to her chest. She wanted to memorize this moment, the feeling of the sand beneath her, the water kissing the tips of her toes and the face of the man beside her. But she knew that she will not remember much or at least know that this is all real.
“They worry about me you know. I tend to withdraw within myself, try and shut it all out. I end up pretending more and more that this is not real just to rid myself of the ache of missing you. I live through so much lies to protect my heart and waking up each time from this, whatever this is that we have once in a while, is torture.”
“I know. This just makes me miss you even more, agonize more about why you can’t return to Narnia” Caspian said, “But I’ll take it over nothing at all.”
Caspian put his arms around her and held tight as if wanting to never let her go. They had an hour, maybe two but no more, yet he chose to pretend they had all the time in the world.
“How did you take it when Edmund, Lucy and Eustace returned?” he asked
“I ignored them. I told them they were silly then I went to my room and listened through the door,” she said smiling slightly before frowning as she remembered a particular detail in that story.
“You met someone.” Susan said-a statement not a question.
“Yes,” he answered, “a lot of people. It was quite a voyage. You should have listened a bit longer through the door.”
Susan rolled her eyes and punched him lightly. Caspian laughed and pulled her closer to him.
“The daughter of the star cannot hold my attention the same way you do. There is no need to worry.” Caspian said trying to erase the tinge of jealousy he could see in the queen’s eyes
“They said you would return for her and they wondered if you would make her your queen.” Susan said
Caspian kissed the side of her head and kept her in his embrace as he spoke. “I had every intention of doing that-going back for her. But I don’t think I will now.”
“Why?” Susan asked her voice thick with emotion.
“Didn’t you wonder why it took too long for us to meet again?” Caspian asked.
“They’re dreams remember? At least that’s how I see it in that world so I didn’t think anything was amiss. I assumed I just slept well those nights,” she replied
“Alright, the dreams,” he emphasized, “stopped for a while when I met her and for a time after. It was a subtle change but I noticed that after a while I began to forget about you. I didn’t think it was possible until it happened.”
“So you’re letting her go because of your dreams?” she said laughing a little at the absurdity of it all.
“No, I simply choose to keep you in my life, in whatever way possible,” he said simply
“Don’t you think that’s a bit foolish? Not going on with your life because of an imagined reality?” she asked
“I should ask you the same thing, dear Susan. How are you moving on? Pretending Narnia is in your childish imagination or that I don’t exist doesn’t count.” Caspian replied with raised eyebrows
Susan laughed. “Well played, your majesty,” she said, “We’re quite a pair aren’t we? We’re just stuck in the moment. We’re trying to hold on to something that doesn’t exist in the realities we live in.”
“That’s what happens when you fall for someone you’re not supposed to.” Caspian said, “You just stand still and hope the moment lasts forever.”
“What if we make a move?” Susan asked
“I don’t want to find out,” he said simply, “Time’s up my dear queen. The world is waiting for us to forget this day ever happened.”
Caspian stood and held out both hands to help Susan. He kept their hands entwined as he stared at her, memorizing her features as best he could. He wanted to hold on if that would be enough to keep them from going back to their lives. He missed her a little bit more each time they separated and he wished that somehow they’d meet in his world or hers-anywhere but here where nothing seemed to last longer than a day.
“It’s okay. You can move on.” Susan said with a deep breath, “It must mean something that her presence made you forget for a little while. You might miss out on the life you’re supposed to have. I can’t stand in your way.”
“You’re not and don’t ever think you are. It’s my decision to keep love you even if I’m not allowed to have you in my life the way I want to. This is enough for me. I’ll take what I’m given.”
“Will you still love me when you wake up and find yourself in need of a queen?” she asked, pragmatic as always
“Yes.”
“Will you still love me when you’re holding your child, yours and hers, in your arms?”
“Yes.”
“Will you still love me when her life is on the line and she calls out for you?”
“Yes.”
“No,” Susan said lifting a hand to his cheek, “You will go to her, be her husband and the king Narnia needs. And I will go back to my life because we won’t remember this day or the ones before it. I won’t remember ever telling you I love you or hearing you say it back. I’ll know what it is to miss you and believe that you’re off to find someone else. You will only know the ache of seeing me go and the belief that what you’re doing is best for your kingdom.”
“I still love you,” he said, “Even if I never saw you again, I still would.”
“I know but it’s time for goodbye and it won’t hurt to think this is the last time.” Susan said with tears in her eyes
“Goodbye my queen.” Caspian said before leaning in for a kiss, their hearts beating in time with each other.
And then it was over.
The white space returned them to their worlds with their memories clean and they were left to believe it was nothing more than a dream. They left a place that is neither here nor there, neither Narnia nor London. It can hold nothing and everything at once in a suspended state that feels like an eternity but in reality is merely a second. The world is open only to a chosen few but how or why, no one really knows. It is a gift and a curse. It allows you to live a fantasy but once you are set free nothing remains in your mind but the illusion of a dream-at least until the next time you are received in its borders.
Susan opened her eyes and thought only of the things she had to do that day. She saw the list of chores in her mind and how much she looked forward to getting away from her family even just for a few hours. She did not care to be part of the game they played. She did not want to remember the world that she could never return to.
Caspian woke up on the Dawn Treader and wondered how far they were from that island. He thought of what he would say and what would happen next. He wanted to be a good king and he wondered if he found a worthy queen or if he was just trying to forget the one he held on a pedestal.
They did not know the truth. They did not understand why their lips tingled and why they could still feel the warm embrace of another. They only took refuge in the old familiar feeling of wanting what they couldn’t have and loving the one they should forget.