Trying to nurse
I posted this to the Twins Forum;
I’ve been working on breast feeding Kai. I’ve been doing this by putting her to the breast when she’s a little hungry but not a lot, and let her choose whether she feels like latching on or not. Usually she’ll smile, lap at it a bit, latch on for a moment, and end up not satisfied until she’s filled up on breast milk from the bottle. I find this sad and painful to me-like I’ve done something wrong that she won’t just nurse. At the same time, I don’t really get how one manages to nurse twins. I went to put her to the breast this afternoon-apparently the more often I do this the more likely she’ll latch on and nurse to satisfaction-and Xavier started fussing. I tried to rock him with my foot while I kept Kai at the breast but it wasn’t enough for him. So I tried to position Kai so I could rock him better and she started crying. So I turned to comfort her and he started crying harder. So I put her down where I could hold the bottle for her while I thoroughly rocked him and I ended up with two happy babies and no breast feeding…
If I only had Kai, I would work with her night and day to get her comfortably latched on and adjusted to nursing. That’s the way I always pictured it when I had a baby. If I only had Xavier, even with him being fussier I would have the focus to work with him and, I think, get him nursing. With the two of them, it seems an insurmountable task-though I intend to keep trying.
I’m feeling really sad about this. I really want the bond of nursing. As a psychologist I think it must have some sort of primal impact on them to experience this closeness, being fed through my flesh, rather than from a piece of plastic apparently divorced from human involvement. At least they are getting my breast milk. But I really feel a loss for both myself and them.
I know there are wonderful advantages to having twins. And I know most of those come later when they can interact with each other. I know I’m doing the best I can-that I didn’t choose to have a ceasarian and have my milk come in late and have Kai fed bottled banked milk until then. I didn’t choose to be given the wrong pumping flanges which deformed the shape of my breasts the first weeks and made it harder for her to latch on. I certainly didn’t choose to have Xavier in the NICU for a week, fed first on IV and then on bottles.
I can’t imagine my life without one or the other-it seems it would be so less rich without having both of them. Yet I am grieving this experience of nursing, bonding, just being able to sit there for hours holding my new infant. That is, without worrying about having to pick up their sibling!
I’ve been working on breast feeding Kai. I’ve been doing this by putting her to the breast when she’s a little hungry but not a lot, and let her choose whether she feels like latching on or not. Usually she’ll smile, lap at it a bit, latch on for a moment, and end up not satisfied until she’s filled up on breast milk from the bottle. I find this sad and painful to me-like I’ve done something wrong that she won’t just nurse. At the same time, I don’t really get how one manages to nurse twins. I went to put her to the breast this afternoon-apparently the more often I do this the more likely she’ll latch on and nurse to satisfaction-and Xavier started fussing. I tried to rock him with my foot while I kept Kai at the breast but it wasn’t enough for him. So I tried to position Kai so I could rock him better and she started crying. So I turned to comfort her and he started crying harder. So I put her down where I could hold the bottle for her while I thoroughly rocked him and I ended up with two happy babies and no breast feeding…
If I only had Kai, I would work with her night and day to get her comfortably latched on and adjusted to nursing. That’s the way I always pictured it when I had a baby. If I only had Xavier, even with him being fussier I would have the focus to work with him and, I think, get him nursing. With the two of them, it seems an insurmountable task-though I intend to keep trying.
I’m feeling really sad about this. I really want the bond of nursing. As a psychologist I think it must have some sort of primal impact on them to experience this closeness, being fed through my flesh, rather than from a piece of plastic apparently divorced from human involvement. At least they are getting my breast milk. But I really feel a loss for both myself and them.
I know there are wonderful advantages to having twins. And I know most of those come later when they can interact with each other. I know I’m doing the best I can-that I didn’t choose to have a ceasarian and have my milk come in late and have Kai fed bottled banked milk until then. I didn’t choose to be given the wrong pumping flanges which deformed the shape of my breasts the first weeks and made it harder for her to latch on. I certainly didn’t choose to have Xavier in the NICU for a week, fed first on IV and then on bottles.
I can’t imagine my life without one or the other-it seems it would be so less rich without having both of them. Yet I am grieving this experience of nursing, bonding, just being able to sit there for hours holding my new infant. That is, without worrying about having to pick up their sibling!