suffering
another of my fics...
later x
Timeline:Season 5-Brian POV
Rating: GENERAL
Genre: BRIAN/JUSTIN, COULD BE CANON, ONE-OFF FICS, SONG FICS
Summary:
Brian's thoughts just after Justin leaves for New York.
Word count: 1464
Author:carbon69/sandra_qaf
Banner:carbon69/sandra_qaf
Timeline:Season 5-Brian POV
Rating: GENERAL
Genre: BRIAN/JUSTIN, COULD BE CANON, ONE-OFF FICS, SONG FICS
Summary:
Brian's thoughts just after Justin leaves for New York.
Word count: 1464
Author:carbon69/sandra_qaf
Banner:carbon69/sandra_qaf
A/N:This song is so beautiful, I just had to try to write a fic for it.
DISCLAIMER: Brian and Justin are not my characters-they belong to CowLip. Borrowed for fun not for profit-no copyright infringement is intended.
Song used is SUFFERING by JAY JAY JOHANNSEN...Not sure which season it was used in-think it was season 1.
~~~Optimist is here in my heart, when there's springtime in the airLoneliness tearing me apart, being loved makes me scaredI keep on asking the gods above, to send my love back to me Oh please let these days and weeks pass by so quickly~~~
BRIAN POV
Well, here I am alone again. Why am I not surprised? I know it was the right thing to do. Let Justin go. He is so young yet, he needs to be free to become the great artist that he can be. Me? Well I will be the same as always. The asshole. The brilliant Ad Exec. The one who has all the material things that you would ever need. The one who is the one to be. The one who can get any guy he wants. The one who has no heart.
Yeah right.
As I light another cigarette and sit on the edge of the bed I remember us, few hours ago. The way we held each other. The way we kissed and caressed. The moans and the shouts. The whispers and smiles. The gentle touches. The intense looks. We were both trying to make memories to last us forever.
It’s only time, I said hoping that he would believe me and not have second thoughts about leaving for New York. We will see each other all the time he said, wanting me to agree with him. I did to make it easier for him to leave.
~~~Nobody suffers like I do, nobody else oh noNobody suffers like I do, nobody else oh noNobody suffers like I do, nobody else but you~~~
He left while I was asleep and I am so glad he did. I would not have let him go if I had been awake. I admit it. I feel as if I am adrift with no means of support and the heart that so many believe I don’t possess is torn and bleeding. I am in so much pain I can hardly breathe, and I wonder if I will ever again be the Brian Kinney I used to be. I wonder if I really would want to be him again. Of course I know I can never go back to him. I left him behind a long time ago although I gave a good impression of him. Justin knew, the little twat always was on to me but I could not let him know how often he was right in what he said and suspected. When I would head out to Babylon alone I never really went there much at all. I would walk and think a lot. Head to another part of town for a few hours. Have a few drinks. A solitary meal. Then head back home just before the curfew. Pretend to be drunk. I think Justin knew but he never said anything. He let me think I was fooling him…
When I think back to the almost wedding I feel tears filling my eyes and I let them fall freely. I wanted so badly to make him happy and like I told him, I would do anything, be anything to make him happy. I lost myself a bit there. Went over the top-but when did I ever do anything else? All or nothing that’s always been my motto. He thought I had lost my mind, and maybe I had for a short while.
~~~You had to leave I know, and we knew it would be toughYou said you would be back soon, soon is not soon enoughI keep on asking the gods above, to send my love back to meOh please let these days and weeks pass by so quickly~~~
The bombing scared me like nothing else. More than the bashing. More than the cancer. To think I could have lost him. He could have died - without hearing me say what he really needed to hear. I knew I really needed to say it too. All those months and years with me fighting so hard to deny my feelings and him finally losing faith, although he knew my feelings for him from the start, made me regret, yes regret all the shit I put him through. All to protect a Brian Kinney that was not happy and was not even real. But sitting here, smoking yet another cigarette, I know I really wanted to be anything for him, and to do anything to make him happy. So that’s what I thought I was doing. Cuddling. Not going out. Turning down the stripper at my bachelor party…NOT TRICKING! Yeah that was a shocker boys and girls! But like I said, it really was not a hardship for me as I had not really been interested for a while. I have always been a great Ad man…I can sell anything to almost anybody. So I sold the same old image, with less of the truth, and not many people noticed, or even cared. Give them what they expect to see and that is what they will see.
Justin was horrified though, he thought I was sacrificing too much. What he never understood was how much I wanted to be like that. I wanted to stay home, have a loving relationship with someone…well only HIM…who I could really trust and be my real self with. A loving and supportive relationship, ‘cos I really did not believe in them at all. Only Justin would have and could have altered my way of thinking to that, in fact he really did do that for me. If that meant becoming a Stepford person then that’s what I would have done.
He is my life…and he’s gone…I am alone. Not for too long he said…I really wish I could believe it though.
~~~Through this waiting in vain, all this sadness and painI've been crying for you, no I'm lyingWhen this test is at end, I hope you'll understand that you're all that I've got,Oh darling~~~
Sighing heavily, I stand and head over for a drink. I need something to take the pain away. Pouring myself a double I knock it back and quickly pour another. Walking over to the couch, I glance at the clock. He should be boarding about now. Wonder if…
Just as I think the thought my cell rings. Smiling to myself and loving the excited feeling in my gut, ‘cos I know it’s him.
“Hey.”
“Hey”
“I am just about to go to the boarding gate. I wanted to…I needed to…”
“I know, Sunshine…I know. Me too.”
He laughs and I am sure his smile has made the airport that much brighter. My heart is beating quickly and the excited feeling is increasing just to hear his voice and his laugh make me SO lesbianic-so shoot me- but I really don’t care anymore.
“Brian, please don’t get into your avoidance techniques again…I booked you a ticket to fly out in two weeks. I know we said to give it at least two months but I can’t wait that long, and I really don’t see why we should, Do you?”
Feeling the tears filling my eyes again I can hardly speak. Little twat knew I would never go back on what we decided, even if I wanted to...which I admit to myself I would have wanted to, so badly.
He learned his lessons well, go after what you want, no matter what. I am thankful and so glad that he is still the hard headed, stubborn man he always was. Clearing my throat I whisper, knowing he will know how I am barely holding on.
“Thanks, Sunshine, I love you.”
“I love you too, I will ring when I get in, OK?”
I heard him catch his breath as he answered and then hung up before I could say anymore. I know his ‘allergies’ will be out in full force just because of those three little words.
Smiling to myself again, I head to the bathroom. Stripping off my sweatpants, I enter the shower, my mood is so light now and I feel fine.
I can last two weeks…after all…I am Brian Kinney and I can do whatever I want!
~~~Optimist is here in my heart, when there's springtime in the airNobody suffers like I do, nobody else, oh noNobody suffers like I do, nobody else but you Nobody suffers like I do, nobody else, oh no Nobody suffers like I do, nobody else but you
Nobody suffers like I do, nobody else, oh no Nobody suffers like I do, nobody else but you
Nobody suffers like I do, nobody else, oh no
Nobody suffers like I do, nobody else but you~~~
end
JULY 2008
Song~ SUFFERING by Jay Jay Johannsen
later x
Timeline:Season 5-Brian POV
Rating: GENERAL
Genre: BRIAN/JUSTIN, COULD BE CANON, ONE-OFF FICS, SONG FICS
Summary:
Brian's thoughts just after Justin leaves for New York.
Word count: 1464
Author:carbon69/sandra_qaf
Banner:carbon69/sandra_qaf
Timeline:Season 5-Brian POV
Rating: GENERAL
Genre: BRIAN/JUSTIN, COULD BE CANON, ONE-OFF FICS, SONG FICS
Summary:
Brian's thoughts just after Justin leaves for New York.
Word count: 1464
Author:carbon69/sandra_qaf
Banner:carbon69/sandra_qaf
A/N:This song is so beautiful, I just had to try to write a fic for it.
DISCLAIMER: Brian and Justin are not my characters-they belong to CowLip. Borrowed for fun not for profit-no copyright infringement is intended.
Song used is SUFFERING by JAY JAY JOHANNSEN...Not sure which season it was used in-think it was season 1.
~~~Optimist is here in my heart, when there's springtime in the airLoneliness tearing me apart, being loved makes me scaredI keep on asking the gods above, to send my love back to me Oh please let these days and weeks pass by so quickly~~~
BRIAN POV
Well, here I am alone again. Why am I not surprised? I know it was the right thing to do. Let Justin go. He is so young yet, he needs to be free to become the great artist that he can be. Me? Well I will be the same as always. The asshole. The brilliant Ad Exec. The one who has all the material things that you would ever need. The one who is the one to be. The one who can get any guy he wants. The one who has no heart.
Yeah right.
As I light another cigarette and sit on the edge of the bed I remember us, few hours ago. The way we held each other. The way we kissed and caressed. The moans and the shouts. The whispers and smiles. The gentle touches. The intense looks. We were both trying to make memories to last us forever.
It’s only time, I said hoping that he would believe me and not have second thoughts about leaving for New York. We will see each other all the time he said, wanting me to agree with him. I did to make it easier for him to leave.
~~~Nobody suffers like I do, nobody else oh noNobody suffers like I do, nobody else oh noNobody suffers like I do, nobody else but you~~~
He left while I was asleep and I am so glad he did. I would not have let him go if I had been awake. I admit it. I feel as if I am adrift with no means of support and the heart that so many believe I don’t possess is torn and bleeding. I am in so much pain I can hardly breathe, and I wonder if I will ever again be the Brian Kinney I used to be. I wonder if I really would want to be him again. Of course I know I can never go back to him. I left him behind a long time ago although I gave a good impression of him. Justin knew, the little twat always was on to me but I could not let him know how often he was right in what he said and suspected. When I would head out to Babylon alone I never really went there much at all. I would walk and think a lot. Head to another part of town for a few hours. Have a few drinks. A solitary meal. Then head back home just before the curfew. Pretend to be drunk. I think Justin knew but he never said anything. He let me think I was fooling him…
When I think back to the almost wedding I feel tears filling my eyes and I let them fall freely. I wanted so badly to make him happy and like I told him, I would do anything, be anything to make him happy. I lost myself a bit there. Went over the top-but when did I ever do anything else? All or nothing that’s always been my motto. He thought I had lost my mind, and maybe I had for a short while.
~~~You had to leave I know, and we knew it would be toughYou said you would be back soon, soon is not soon enoughI keep on asking the gods above, to send my love back to meOh please let these days and weeks pass by so quickly~~~
The bombing scared me like nothing else. More than the bashing. More than the cancer. To think I could have lost him. He could have died - without hearing me say what he really needed to hear. I knew I really needed to say it too. All those months and years with me fighting so hard to deny my feelings and him finally losing faith, although he knew my feelings for him from the start, made me regret, yes regret all the shit I put him through. All to protect a Brian Kinney that was not happy and was not even real. But sitting here, smoking yet another cigarette, I know I really wanted to be anything for him, and to do anything to make him happy. So that’s what I thought I was doing. Cuddling. Not going out. Turning down the stripper at my bachelor party…NOT TRICKING! Yeah that was a shocker boys and girls! But like I said, it really was not a hardship for me as I had not really been interested for a while. I have always been a great Ad man…I can sell anything to almost anybody. So I sold the same old image, with less of the truth, and not many people noticed, or even cared. Give them what they expect to see and that is what they will see.
Justin was horrified though, he thought I was sacrificing too much. What he never understood was how much I wanted to be like that. I wanted to stay home, have a loving relationship with someone…well only HIM…who I could really trust and be my real self with. A loving and supportive relationship, ‘cos I really did not believe in them at all. Only Justin would have and could have altered my way of thinking to that, in fact he really did do that for me. If that meant becoming a Stepford person then that’s what I would have done.
He is my life…and he’s gone…I am alone. Not for too long he said…I really wish I could believe it though.
~~~Through this waiting in vain, all this sadness and painI've been crying for you, no I'm lyingWhen this test is at end, I hope you'll understand that you're all that I've got,Oh darling~~~
Sighing heavily, I stand and head over for a drink. I need something to take the pain away. Pouring myself a double I knock it back and quickly pour another. Walking over to the couch, I glance at the clock. He should be boarding about now. Wonder if…
Just as I think the thought my cell rings. Smiling to myself and loving the excited feeling in my gut, ‘cos I know it’s him.
“Hey.”
“Hey”
“I am just about to go to the boarding gate. I wanted to…I needed to…”
“I know, Sunshine…I know. Me too.”
He laughs and I am sure his smile has made the airport that much brighter. My heart is beating quickly and the excited feeling is increasing just to hear his voice and his laugh make me SO lesbianic-so shoot me- but I really don’t care anymore.
“Brian, please don’t get into your avoidance techniques again…I booked you a ticket to fly out in two weeks. I know we said to give it at least two months but I can’t wait that long, and I really don’t see why we should, Do you?”
Feeling the tears filling my eyes again I can hardly speak. Little twat knew I would never go back on what we decided, even if I wanted to...which I admit to myself I would have wanted to, so badly.
He learned his lessons well, go after what you want, no matter what. I am thankful and so glad that he is still the hard headed, stubborn man he always was. Clearing my throat I whisper, knowing he will know how I am barely holding on.
“Thanks, Sunshine, I love you.”
“I love you too, I will ring when I get in, OK?”
I heard him catch his breath as he answered and then hung up before I could say anymore. I know his ‘allergies’ will be out in full force just because of those three little words.
Smiling to myself again, I head to the bathroom. Stripping off my sweatpants, I enter the shower, my mood is so light now and I feel fine.
I can last two weeks…after all…I am Brian Kinney and I can do whatever I want!
~~~Optimist is here in my heart, when there's springtime in the airNobody suffers like I do, nobody else, oh noNobody suffers like I do, nobody else but you Nobody suffers like I do, nobody else, oh no Nobody suffers like I do, nobody else but you
Nobody suffers like I do, nobody else, oh no Nobody suffers like I do, nobody else but you
Nobody suffers like I do, nobody else, oh no
Nobody suffers like I do, nobody else but you~~~
end
JULY 2008
Song~ SUFFERING by Jay Jay Johannsen