Sometimes I'm Reminded of Who I Am
I'm not certain about any aspect of my future. My best friend isn't even my friend, she's just someone I used to know. She's her own person, and sometimes I think, that if there is a God, my purpose was to only help people for a short while, and then when the time was past due date, I would be left alone to eventually help another person find themselves, and the cycle would repeat until I would finally realise I would never even be able to help myself. Nothing I say means anything anymore, it's not that it doesn't mean anything to others, it simply doesn't mean anything to me. I used to be this great guy; big strong hands, and broad shoulders with this polished ivory head mounted atop. I was my own knite in shinning armor, and although I've always been hard on myself, I was at least comfortable in my own skin. I think my satisfaction was only because I was naive; arrogance carried me so far, then set me at the feet of scholars where I was to be mocked and kicked aside. This is difficult to deal with, because I don't view this transition as something everyone experiences. I think, seceretly, everyone had always known how stupid I was, but they were all too gracious to let me in on the secret. So, the only thing worse than knowing everyone used to laugh behind my back...is the fact that everyone is laughing harder these days. There is no crosendo or denumont, there is just a single upset stomach and a pair of weak arms here to hold my abdomen and rub my head. I go to bed wishing I could go back to some earlier date and change things. I waste a lot of time regreting who I am. I'm always looking forward or looking back, and I just want to be happy. With who I am, with what I'm doing, with what and who I know. And if I am looking forward, I want to know where I want to go, and if I'm looking back, I just want to smile and forget what doesn't matter, and when I come back to the present, I don't want to feel lonely anymore. I have a lot of bullshit problems that I don't discuss with a lot of people, problems that everyone has, but I sometimes wonder that if maybe I liked myself, if those problems would go away. I've said thsi before, but I suppose the more you subject yourself to obstacles the harder life becomes, but the easier it is in comparison upon completion. However this cycle takes increments of your childhood, your innocence, your life away every time. So you have the option of remaining completely ignorant and taking nothing away from life, or continuously growing until life takes everything away from you.