Can I Get A Do-Over???
Fuck. Fuck fuck. Fuckity fuck fuck fucking FUCK!!!! Fucking hell. Frog-cum swilling fucktard. Fuckstain. Fuck 'em with a fuckstick. Fuck you, ya fuckin' FUCK!!! Fuck mutha' fucker, fuck mutha' fucker FUCK! Fuck and a fuck fuck, FUCK FUCK!!!!!!
Oh yeah - and just for good measure (and to highlight a true level of geekness), FRELL and FECK!
Ya know, that word looks really funny when you type it out enough times. But I never tire of it. (Somewhere in the outskirts of Denver, the Scots Cardinal has bolted awake in bed, hearing the subterranean call of my F-Bomb soliloquy. I think he'd be proud.)
Other than that... I suck. And while I've loved vampires (and other things that go "BUMP" in the night) long enough to know with some degree of certainty that things that suck aren't necessarily bad, in this case, well... make an exception. I suck and (currently) not in a good way.
Got in a mood on Friday. Nasty news on several fronts over the last week or so beat me down - not to mention that I'm still adjusting to (NOI) No Omni Income at holiday time. (Yeah, Tempest is making money, but it's paying for my Tempest Trips!) My miniscule raise hasn't kicked in yet either; should have taken 30 days, leaving me with a little retro pay. Yeah, I said "should have." so my cashflow is all f*ckered up and that only reinforced the Vibe of Uselessness orbiting around me. Also had my Slayer Sense pinging a bit. Edgy much? Mmmm hmmmm.
Apparently the sand grinding problem unclesiko had going on was contagious via IM. I pussed on meatpie's birthday bash. (Hence the "I Suck" comments.)
Sometimes I'm able to get over my bad self and motivate. Sometimes it even pays off when I do. Like, oh, say - the first time I met The 'Pie and katiebare. But I knew what was getting at me and decided to not let it win. This time was different. I was sad for a lot of reasons, broke for a lot of reasons and tired for a lot of reasons... but usually there's a way to mitigate those issues. Throw in a little apprehension from an unknown source and I'm bumfuzzled. I was On Guard and couldn't tell if it was legit or due to the Spiraling Pity Party I had going on.
Rule #1 for SlayerGrrls... "When in doubt, don't." So I didn't.
Still kicking myself for it, mind you - especially since the remainder of the weekend so far has been Craptacular.
I did putter around on Friday and decompress a bit. Got a lot done Saturday morning too. Won't bore you with the details (beyond sharing that I spent some quality time with Neena and Veena and, well - OUCH)!
So why was it Craptacular, you ask?
I haven't seen Junior in a month. November was all about SLIFF and then month-end hit. Realized that with the exception of last night, Saturday the 7th, I have no free weekend until after the first of the year. He's uncomfortable at parties where he doesn't know anyone so I won't get him to come along. Chatting Friday afternoon at work I told him this, hoping we could spend some time. Especially since I was feeling low. Clearly, I needed some cuddle time in a bad way.
I really wanted him to come over Friday but he offered Saturday instead. One slight problem - it would be late. He was being a good son and accompanying his mom to a gala held in her honor by the American Cancer Society for her work with them.
Now starts the unfortunate litany. He didn't call Friday night. OK. Fine. He's been really tired & I went to bed early(ish) anyway. Left him a message Saturday around 5pm to see if he was still going to head over after the gala and if so, wondered what time.
Can ya see this one coming? Yep, it hurts.
BAM!!!!!!
::insert cricket noise here::
How did we go from strawberries, whipped cream and cuddles one weekend (that would have come to fruition except for his C*ckBlocker roommate) to acting flakier than a croissant the next?
(That was, BTW, a rhetorical question.)
Friday afternoon he was almost as pitiful with the "I Miss Yous" as I was, saying he missed my hugs (and other words rhyming with "hugs"). OK, I made up that last part but it was pretty much implied.
We'll work it out. We always do. But I'm mad, disappointed, hurt, betrayed, angry, depressed.... mostly at me for believing.
Mom's coming in this afternoon to do holiday decorating. Maybe decking some halls instead of decking Junior will do my spirit good.
SIDEBAR: Watching "Sports Night" on Comedy Central right now & just saw a guy I went to SMU with - Charlie Finn! Queried him on IMDB. Turns out I'm one degree from Peter Krause and Lauren Ambrose ("Six Feet Under") and two degrees from Rob Lowe! (Charlie's "Sports Night" character was fired by an actor who played Will Bailey (campaign manager) on "The West Wing!") Go me!
Had an English muffin for dinner last night. Bad diabetic! In my defense, it did have super chunky peanut butter on it. Must forage for real food now.