(no subject)
for the past 3 days i have woken up at 4:30 with a racing heart and intense butterflies in my stomach and chest, thinking about the horrible nightmare i was just having; a nightmare that seemed so real, that in a way, i still believed that it really happened for at least five minutes after i woke up. i was lying there thinking about it. it wasn't one of those monster nightmares. it was about a girl. i was thinking about her and my heart was beating so hard, and i felt like i was going to cry. i couldn't fall back to sleep and i felt so uncomfortable, so i lied there for an hour until it was time to leave. ugh. what a nasty start to my day.
she wants to be friends, but sometimes i really get the feeling that she doesn't. i want to talk to her so bad. two times now, she has let feelings out to me. making me really happy, only to bring me crashing down two days later. so once the feelings are out, its like i don't matter anymore. why does she want to be friends with me? is it because she cares about me, or is it just because she doesn't want to be nothing, or enemies? i really liked the way she made me feel on the phone that one night, when we agreed that we wouldn't think that we are going to get back together, and that we aren't going to get back together. she seemed so happy about that idea. the next night, she told me that she thought about stuff, and she completely guaruntees that we will never be together again. that tore me because it was nice to be friends with her, knowing that its not like she "never never never wants to be together again." i wasn't expecting anything by her saying this. i would never make any moves on her (emotional and/or physical), unless she made moves towards me, and i knew for sure that she wanted that. i don't know how to handle all of this. maybe i fucking blew this way out of proportion. i don't know. i care about her so so so so so much, and i wish i could be there for her. she has always been the same amazing kenzie, but in my eyes she constantly changes in ways that i can't explain; in ways that aren't obvious to everyone else. sometimes i feel like she cares so much about me, and sometimes i feel like she dislikes me and thinks i'm an ugly, annoying person. im not saying that is true, but its the feeling i get. this "drastic" change hurts sooo much. i wish i could express how i feel. words are nothing :/
i miss how she held me. i miss feeling so close, like we new everything about eachother, even from miles away . i was never embarassed or insecure around her. no matter how silly i acted around her, and no matter what i said to her, it always seemed like she saw through all of that, to my heart. now i feel so vulnerable around her, because she doesn't see me that way anymore. everywhere we went together, and everything we did, no matter how boring or horrible or stupid it was, it would seem like the greatest thing ever, because all that mattered was that we had eachother. that is the best feeling that any two people can have together. ever.
orgasms are NOTHING compared to that feeling. heh.
^^^
i had to add something silly to break the sadness :D
she wants to be friends, but sometimes i really get the feeling that she doesn't. i want to talk to her so bad. two times now, she has let feelings out to me. making me really happy, only to bring me crashing down two days later. so once the feelings are out, its like i don't matter anymore. why does she want to be friends with me? is it because she cares about me, or is it just because she doesn't want to be nothing, or enemies? i really liked the way she made me feel on the phone that one night, when we agreed that we wouldn't think that we are going to get back together, and that we aren't going to get back together. she seemed so happy about that idea. the next night, she told me that she thought about stuff, and she completely guaruntees that we will never be together again. that tore me because it was nice to be friends with her, knowing that its not like she "never never never wants to be together again." i wasn't expecting anything by her saying this. i would never make any moves on her (emotional and/or physical), unless she made moves towards me, and i knew for sure that she wanted that. i don't know how to handle all of this. maybe i fucking blew this way out of proportion. i don't know. i care about her so so so so so much, and i wish i could be there for her. she has always been the same amazing kenzie, but in my eyes she constantly changes in ways that i can't explain; in ways that aren't obvious to everyone else. sometimes i feel like she cares so much about me, and sometimes i feel like she dislikes me and thinks i'm an ugly, annoying person. im not saying that is true, but its the feeling i get. this "drastic" change hurts sooo much. i wish i could express how i feel. words are nothing :/
i miss how she held me. i miss feeling so close, like we new everything about eachother, even from miles away . i was never embarassed or insecure around her. no matter how silly i acted around her, and no matter what i said to her, it always seemed like she saw through all of that, to my heart. now i feel so vulnerable around her, because she doesn't see me that way anymore. everywhere we went together, and everything we did, no matter how boring or horrible or stupid it was, it would seem like the greatest thing ever, because all that mattered was that we had eachother. that is the best feeling that any two people can have together. ever.
orgasms are NOTHING compared to that feeling. heh.
^^^
i had to add something silly to break the sadness :D