The earth moves around the sun.
There's a lot. I've been mentally hyperventilating this month because of the entire stressful self-division about my mom and then what I'm doing with myself and how it is failing and how that relates to Curt and me. The idea of another year in Florida has been preying on me, the time spent away from things that enrich my soul and mind, the day-to-day being overwhelmingly monotonous and irritating. I would have been happy never to see Orlando again and I've been so upset. And it had been building up, boiling, and had me silent, still, and in bed crying feeling completely unable to express any of it because all of it meant upsetting him. Completely stuck in a horrible catch-22. I found myself beginning to resent not just myself for failing at my inward idea of life well lived but him, too, for making it impossible to go anywhere but somewhere we both know perfectly well drags me down, back to me again for saying one thing and then finding myself entirely unequal to fulfill the two years here, back to him for asking it of me in a way I couldn't say no to even if I'd wanted to, back to me for letting myself let him down...back and forth and having tried but failed until two days ago to express any of it.
And it was a long discussion and it was hard to let him down and to hurt him and upset him because I do love him so much and want all the big life things with only him. There is a break in the line, though, about what he needs to do for himself and what I need to do for myself and how that effects the WE. He needs to stay, for him. I need to go, for myself. WE want to stay physically together (because there's no doubt that wherever either of us is we are emotionally together in an unbreaking relationship)...but I need to go. I need to physically not be here.
We both know he needs to stay and the biggest inclination and the one that we acted on is that I should be where he is because he needs to be in this once place and WE want to be with each other. But is it okay to sacrifice my needs for his? He needs to stay here. I need to be not here. They are both acute needs. I thought it would be bearable but two years is turning out to be an awful lot of time of feeling personally, individually locked out of my own life to live this WE life that, under different circumstances, I am so excited to live with him.
But those are not the circumstances we are in. Not yet. So what is to be done?
We have examples that scare us. My mom stayed where my dad wanted to be and has been geographically miserable and unable to take any of the adventures she wanted to because Dad's alpha male, his-everything-comes-first stance has been non-negotiable. I'm not comparing my dad to Curt in this regard in any way, only the result of mom being geographically submissive and her regrets. I am terrified of that in a way that mentally breaks bats on skulls and rips down houses with fingernails. Another example that scares us is Jeff and his wife who both had careers they needed to pursue to feel whole and happy (closer to my situation and Curt's) and who divorced because of them, remaining friends but conducting separate lives, no longer together. For Curt and I, relationship conclusion is not an option. I do not accept that and neither does he. That is not a choice either one of us will make separately and not a choice WE will make together.
So...what is to be done? Can I stay without ripping myself apart? The second is a no. And we should have known that. We did, and thought two years would be an acceptable sacrifice. It turns out it is not and I'm not some shining paragon of stay-virtue flying in the face of my needs. Can I go without ripping us apart? Can he and is he willing to make the distinction between leaving him emotionally and leaving him physically/geograhically? This is what our conversation was about.
It's a huge thing, as we spent a lot of years physically apart, connected by the internet and going back to that is an extremely big deal to him. It's a big deal to me, too, but I think understandably less so because I need to go. That essentially leaves me initiating the separation, my need holding more force than my desire to stay where he is, because of where he currently has to be to feel like he is living his life how he needs to for himself, too.
We talked about my huge debt and the difficulty of managing it with anything other than a stationary working lifestyle. We talked about Americorps and how this new govt thing would pay off over half my debt on two different assignments that had me being in different places - meeting both my inward needs and my financial needs while doing service projects which is something I have always wanted to do. But to maximize on the debt repayment, each assignment would most likely be a year long...and that's too long a separation for him to accept. And I'm inwardly protesting it, too. It's something I'd have to force myself to do.
We also talked about caretaking assignments, there's a site he found that basically allows you to live somewhere for a pre-determined amount of time to take care of the place and stuff while the owner is away. This could work because I could find shorter assignments in the 3-6 month range, which we both find (difficult of course to be separated) but acceptable. If the assignment came with a stipend, as some do, or if I could find a temporary job nearby, which also is done, I'd be able to potentially put more money toward my debt because of not having to pay any rent.
We also talked about internships at different farming communities (another site he found) which are also on pre-determined time scales and I'd be learning skills I want to have toward the life I want, again, in different places. Some of these also come with a stipend and might offer the possibility of working nearby, but this option feels more likely that I'd have to save money beforehand and make the minimum monthly payments to my debt to tide the time over.
The other thing we talked about was the Appalacian Trail through-hike. This one I consider differently because I have no desire to do it by myself at all. This is something we want to do together and it would be another situation of saving up an additional 1000 beforehand to make the minimum monthly payments while we're wildernessing. The other factor for this one is he would have to take a break from anythere he is doing in Orlando to go and this isn't a good time for that. I consider this a sabbatical from anything else either of us has going on in our lives and the timing for this is not good and will have to wait.
The next thing is financial living security. He is driven for this and I am much more willing to take chances. He wants to have a cushion and an exit strategy and to have an airtight plan planned before the jump. I have only ever planned enough to jump and trusted that I'd be able to work out the landing when it came. I'd do enough to facilitate the jump - fill out the necessary paperwork, complete the applications, set up the transfers, get the money together and the renting history and GO. He's not going to do that. It's not his personality. And I'm the first to acknowledge that I have financially failed in my travels, so I do not blame him for wanting that angle covered. The issue I hold with it is the negative spontaneity factor, which is a pretty big fraction of any adventure I'm interested in. It's not as exciting, the way he thinks it should be done, and if you're locked into some plan when you're trying to get free....that's a contradiction and one I feel acutely enough to have argued over, even though the logic of his point of view is sound and I know it.
Now is a time when I'm going to be putting together plans and showing them to him to see what we can agree on. There will be complications and disagreements, I'm sure. When the time comes, he will have to show me what kind of plans he would have us make and I'm sure there will be complications and disagreements there, too. I expect nothing but winning outcomes either way, though, because I know we are capable of that.
I'm glad I was finally able to tell him about what I was going through and that we were able to talk. I'm just so sorry, too, that while we are working out so well together, this life is not working on an individual level. I have no doubts about it all working out individually and I think we will be a fine Us, a better Us, because of that. It's just getting there, working it out. I'm so...inexcusably fortunate...that he loves me so much that we have the ability to try. It undoubtedly takes a lot of him to work with me so much and if you take the bat-shattering skull imagery and fingernail house ripping and make it something else as positive as that is harrowing, that's the kind of thankful I am.
And it was a long discussion and it was hard to let him down and to hurt him and upset him because I do love him so much and want all the big life things with only him. There is a break in the line, though, about what he needs to do for himself and what I need to do for myself and how that effects the WE. He needs to stay, for him. I need to go, for myself. WE want to stay physically together (because there's no doubt that wherever either of us is we are emotionally together in an unbreaking relationship)...but I need to go. I need to physically not be here.
We both know he needs to stay and the biggest inclination and the one that we acted on is that I should be where he is because he needs to be in this once place and WE want to be with each other. But is it okay to sacrifice my needs for his? He needs to stay here. I need to be not here. They are both acute needs. I thought it would be bearable but two years is turning out to be an awful lot of time of feeling personally, individually locked out of my own life to live this WE life that, under different circumstances, I am so excited to live with him.
But those are not the circumstances we are in. Not yet. So what is to be done?
We have examples that scare us. My mom stayed where my dad wanted to be and has been geographically miserable and unable to take any of the adventures she wanted to because Dad's alpha male, his-everything-comes-first stance has been non-negotiable. I'm not comparing my dad to Curt in this regard in any way, only the result of mom being geographically submissive and her regrets. I am terrified of that in a way that mentally breaks bats on skulls and rips down houses with fingernails. Another example that scares us is Jeff and his wife who both had careers they needed to pursue to feel whole and happy (closer to my situation and Curt's) and who divorced because of them, remaining friends but conducting separate lives, no longer together. For Curt and I, relationship conclusion is not an option. I do not accept that and neither does he. That is not a choice either one of us will make separately and not a choice WE will make together.
So...what is to be done? Can I stay without ripping myself apart? The second is a no. And we should have known that. We did, and thought two years would be an acceptable sacrifice. It turns out it is not and I'm not some shining paragon of stay-virtue flying in the face of my needs. Can I go without ripping us apart? Can he and is he willing to make the distinction between leaving him emotionally and leaving him physically/geograhically? This is what our conversation was about.
It's a huge thing, as we spent a lot of years physically apart, connected by the internet and going back to that is an extremely big deal to him. It's a big deal to me, too, but I think understandably less so because I need to go. That essentially leaves me initiating the separation, my need holding more force than my desire to stay where he is, because of where he currently has to be to feel like he is living his life how he needs to for himself, too.
We talked about my huge debt and the difficulty of managing it with anything other than a stationary working lifestyle. We talked about Americorps and how this new govt thing would pay off over half my debt on two different assignments that had me being in different places - meeting both my inward needs and my financial needs while doing service projects which is something I have always wanted to do. But to maximize on the debt repayment, each assignment would most likely be a year long...and that's too long a separation for him to accept. And I'm inwardly protesting it, too. It's something I'd have to force myself to do.
We also talked about caretaking assignments, there's a site he found that basically allows you to live somewhere for a pre-determined amount of time to take care of the place and stuff while the owner is away. This could work because I could find shorter assignments in the 3-6 month range, which we both find (difficult of course to be separated) but acceptable. If the assignment came with a stipend, as some do, or if I could find a temporary job nearby, which also is done, I'd be able to potentially put more money toward my debt because of not having to pay any rent.
We also talked about internships at different farming communities (another site he found) which are also on pre-determined time scales and I'd be learning skills I want to have toward the life I want, again, in different places. Some of these also come with a stipend and might offer the possibility of working nearby, but this option feels more likely that I'd have to save money beforehand and make the minimum monthly payments to my debt to tide the time over.
The other thing we talked about was the Appalacian Trail through-hike. This one I consider differently because I have no desire to do it by myself at all. This is something we want to do together and it would be another situation of saving up an additional 1000 beforehand to make the minimum monthly payments while we're wildernessing. The other factor for this one is he would have to take a break from anythere he is doing in Orlando to go and this isn't a good time for that. I consider this a sabbatical from anything else either of us has going on in our lives and the timing for this is not good and will have to wait.
The next thing is financial living security. He is driven for this and I am much more willing to take chances. He wants to have a cushion and an exit strategy and to have an airtight plan planned before the jump. I have only ever planned enough to jump and trusted that I'd be able to work out the landing when it came. I'd do enough to facilitate the jump - fill out the necessary paperwork, complete the applications, set up the transfers, get the money together and the renting history and GO. He's not going to do that. It's not his personality. And I'm the first to acknowledge that I have financially failed in my travels, so I do not blame him for wanting that angle covered. The issue I hold with it is the negative spontaneity factor, which is a pretty big fraction of any adventure I'm interested in. It's not as exciting, the way he thinks it should be done, and if you're locked into some plan when you're trying to get free....that's a contradiction and one I feel acutely enough to have argued over, even though the logic of his point of view is sound and I know it.
Now is a time when I'm going to be putting together plans and showing them to him to see what we can agree on. There will be complications and disagreements, I'm sure. When the time comes, he will have to show me what kind of plans he would have us make and I'm sure there will be complications and disagreements there, too. I expect nothing but winning outcomes either way, though, because I know we are capable of that.
I'm glad I was finally able to tell him about what I was going through and that we were able to talk. I'm just so sorry, too, that while we are working out so well together, this life is not working on an individual level. I have no doubts about it all working out individually and I think we will be a fine Us, a better Us, because of that. It's just getting there, working it out. I'm so...inexcusably fortunate...that he loves me so much that we have the ability to try. It undoubtedly takes a lot of him to work with me so much and if you take the bat-shattering skull imagery and fingernail house ripping and make it something else as positive as that is harrowing, that's the kind of thankful I am.