(no subject)
it's weird being home.
for the first time, it's weird.
i got in at like 530am and slept until like 230pm. i dreaded getting out of my bed because i knew i wasn't where i feel like home is anymore.
its weird, there's this little girl in me who wants to hold on so tight to the family thing and then the rest of me is so okay with it not being home anymore- like where i am, at school and out with roommates and with my (on-again/off-again) boy on my own, makes me so much happier.
when he drove me to the airport last night he asked me if i was excited about being home. i told him i wasn't sure i wanted to come home. he asked why and i let it slide. i put on blind by lifehouse in the car on the way to the airport and sat in my seat next to him (but feeling so far away) and cried a little. he had to have known i was crying.
i texted him when i was on the plane right before take off and told that i booked this flight because i was mad and hurt, not because i really wanted to come. i told him that i thought that getting away from what i thought was the problem would help me, but it won't. i told him that snap decisions suck. i told him i was sorry because as i walked away from him to go through security he was broken and i could see it. he knew he was the reason i was leaving and that killed him. and it killed me.
my heart has broken so many times over and over in the past two weeks.
i really dont want to be home though. i wasnt supposed to come home til july with the boy but we broke up and so i made a snap decision and decided to come home for a week but things have gotten better with him andi realized how stupid that decision to come really is. and not stupid because i fear messing things up with him (heaven knows we're already pretty messed up) but because i realize the level of immaturity that still lives in me and the fact that i tried to run to a place i know i shouldn't have run to.
don't get me wrong, i'm so excited to see you girls and to be here with you and to do things with you, but i already just feel out of place. i feel like i have two completely different lives and the other one has taken over a lot more so than this.
it just doesn't feel right being home. partly because i'm sick of being hounded about the matt situation by my parents and partly because this really isn't home. that's so weird. for the longest time i couldn't bear the thought of letting this place go yet... and now i realize i already have.
for the first time, it's weird.
i got in at like 530am and slept until like 230pm. i dreaded getting out of my bed because i knew i wasn't where i feel like home is anymore.
its weird, there's this little girl in me who wants to hold on so tight to the family thing and then the rest of me is so okay with it not being home anymore- like where i am, at school and out with roommates and with my (on-again/off-again) boy on my own, makes me so much happier.
when he drove me to the airport last night he asked me if i was excited about being home. i told him i wasn't sure i wanted to come home. he asked why and i let it slide. i put on blind by lifehouse in the car on the way to the airport and sat in my seat next to him (but feeling so far away) and cried a little. he had to have known i was crying.
i texted him when i was on the plane right before take off and told that i booked this flight because i was mad and hurt, not because i really wanted to come. i told him that i thought that getting away from what i thought was the problem would help me, but it won't. i told him that snap decisions suck. i told him i was sorry because as i walked away from him to go through security he was broken and i could see it. he knew he was the reason i was leaving and that killed him. and it killed me.
my heart has broken so many times over and over in the past two weeks.
i really dont want to be home though. i wasnt supposed to come home til july with the boy but we broke up and so i made a snap decision and decided to come home for a week but things have gotten better with him andi realized how stupid that decision to come really is. and not stupid because i fear messing things up with him (heaven knows we're already pretty messed up) but because i realize the level of immaturity that still lives in me and the fact that i tried to run to a place i know i shouldn't have run to.
don't get me wrong, i'm so excited to see you girls and to be here with you and to do things with you, but i already just feel out of place. i feel like i have two completely different lives and the other one has taken over a lot more so than this.
it just doesn't feel right being home. partly because i'm sick of being hounded about the matt situation by my parents and partly because this really isn't home. that's so weird. for the longest time i couldn't bear the thought of letting this place go yet... and now i realize i already have.