I've been doing some thinking...
I stayed at home today as I planned. Before going to bed for the night, I switched off my cellphone's alarm and slept soundly 'til 10am. Daughter woke up only twice to feed a bit, but that doesn't really interfere with my sleeping anymore as I'm so used to it. There was a time when I would've had hard time falling back to sleep after being woken up in the middle of the night, but not anymore. I don't really notice how tired I am until I get a chance to sleep longer. Last weekend when we were visiting fiancé's mother and her new husband Daughter slept in their room at night. I felt like a different person after two full nights of blissful sleep. This morning I felt almost as good.
I talked at length with my mother on the phone yesterday. She is very concerned about my situation and fears that I will quit my school before getting my diploma. She fears that the same thing will happen all over again as did with my previous school. There is a big difference with that situation and this one. I didn't have any motivation to finish my previous school, because I realized that I didn't want to work in the profession I was studying. Now I do want to finish and work in my chosen field, this is just an obstacle I have to get over or around.
I do realize that I am part of the problem. The whole awkward situation is the sum of many little things that I've tried to not notice for too long. Firstly I have changed a lot as a person during my pregnancy and the first nine months as a mother. Personally I believe that there is no woman on this planet who is not going to be changed by the pregnancy, giving birth and becoming a mother. It is quite an adventure to find the mother in oneself. The mothering instincts and caring for the baby may come naturally, but identifying oneself as a mother... that is something that took me months and the process is still not finished. Perhaps it never will be. I have changed and am changing and it is making me a bit touchy.
My mother said that she turned into a female lion after I was born. She said that she was ready to protect me against anyone or anything. She developed very strong opinions against war and took part in demonstrations and rallies. She felt that she was trying to protect children everywhere by spreading the knowledge and anti-war sentiment. I guess it is impossible to me to analyze my own behaviour yet, since I'm still very much in the middle of this all. The one thing I have noticed however is that I have very short fuse when it comes to stupid and childish behaviour. I think that becoming responsible of another person's wellbeing has shifted my priorities and made me realize what is important and what is not.
At school for example I have become increasingly aware of how people treat each other. I hate it when my supposed "friends" talk shit about other students behind their back or laugh at the nerdy boys in the school café. I don't want to be associated with that. I have been bullied at school and I do not want to be one of the bully crowd. I'm not happy that I am associated as being one of them because they are in my class. I also hate it when teachers talk down to students or are bitchy towards them. We have two teachers who, it seems, think they can be rude to young people. I don't think they would talk the same way to adults. This is an issue I've always struggled to understand. They want us to be polite and well-behaved young women, but the example they set to us is quite the opposite. I just don't understand it. It also bothers me that we seem unable to get along as a group. Why is it so hard?
These are the things I think about every day at school and try to behave accordingly myself. And it makes me really sad that the second year students and the teachers don't see that. They only see the girl who yelled at a teacher. The teachers see a possible problem and have been snapping at me the whole last week, because they feel threatened and try to put me back to my place. This in turn makes me feel worse. I don't understand why they don't see that I'm trying to make a considerable effort to make things right to everyone, not just myself.
I wonder why it is me, the girl who is supposed to have problems in understanding the non-verbal communication, who feels the tense atmosphere when everyone else ignore it completely. Why do I see solutions and everyone else ignore them? Even the teachers. Do I annoy them so much because I see things they should have seen and offer solutions they should have offered? I feel like I'm doing what the teachers should be doing and seeing what they are ignoring.
It bothers me as an Asperger that the teacher I yelled at, who yelled at me first, has not apologized me although I apologized my words to her. It bothers me that she clearly has not let go of the issue, although we agreed that we would. It bothers me as an Asperger that I clearly am not capable of expressing myself as clearly as I would like to. And it bothers me greatly that my teachers know very well of my diagnosis but aren't professional enough to see that my outburst was a clear example of a situation where an Asperger girl has tried to find a way out from an uncomfortable situation and all of the good ways have been denied from her and ultimately the frustration and discomfort has led into an outburst. My mother said "You are the one who has to live with your outburst and the words you said. Everyone else has almost forgotten about it already and you keep going through it in your head and won't stop for a while. The teachers should realize that and just let it be already. She knows me so well. I do not regret that I yelled at the teacher, because I believe she deserved it, but it makes me sad that I lost control. The words would've been so much more effective if I had stayed calm when the teacher raised her voice. That is what I regret.
I'll be going over this for weeks to come. And if I'm at all right about the teacher who I shall now name as The Enemy, this isn't the last chapter of our fashion show fiasco.
I talked at length with my mother on the phone yesterday. She is very concerned about my situation and fears that I will quit my school before getting my diploma. She fears that the same thing will happen all over again as did with my previous school. There is a big difference with that situation and this one. I didn't have any motivation to finish my previous school, because I realized that I didn't want to work in the profession I was studying. Now I do want to finish and work in my chosen field, this is just an obstacle I have to get over or around.
I do realize that I am part of the problem. The whole awkward situation is the sum of many little things that I've tried to not notice for too long. Firstly I have changed a lot as a person during my pregnancy and the first nine months as a mother. Personally I believe that there is no woman on this planet who is not going to be changed by the pregnancy, giving birth and becoming a mother. It is quite an adventure to find the mother in oneself. The mothering instincts and caring for the baby may come naturally, but identifying oneself as a mother... that is something that took me months and the process is still not finished. Perhaps it never will be. I have changed and am changing and it is making me a bit touchy.
My mother said that she turned into a female lion after I was born. She said that she was ready to protect me against anyone or anything. She developed very strong opinions against war and took part in demonstrations and rallies. She felt that she was trying to protect children everywhere by spreading the knowledge and anti-war sentiment. I guess it is impossible to me to analyze my own behaviour yet, since I'm still very much in the middle of this all. The one thing I have noticed however is that I have very short fuse when it comes to stupid and childish behaviour. I think that becoming responsible of another person's wellbeing has shifted my priorities and made me realize what is important and what is not.
At school for example I have become increasingly aware of how people treat each other. I hate it when my supposed "friends" talk shit about other students behind their back or laugh at the nerdy boys in the school café. I don't want to be associated with that. I have been bullied at school and I do not want to be one of the bully crowd. I'm not happy that I am associated as being one of them because they are in my class. I also hate it when teachers talk down to students or are bitchy towards them. We have two teachers who, it seems, think they can be rude to young people. I don't think they would talk the same way to adults. This is an issue I've always struggled to understand. They want us to be polite and well-behaved young women, but the example they set to us is quite the opposite. I just don't understand it. It also bothers me that we seem unable to get along as a group. Why is it so hard?
These are the things I think about every day at school and try to behave accordingly myself. And it makes me really sad that the second year students and the teachers don't see that. They only see the girl who yelled at a teacher. The teachers see a possible problem and have been snapping at me the whole last week, because they feel threatened and try to put me back to my place. This in turn makes me feel worse. I don't understand why they don't see that I'm trying to make a considerable effort to make things right to everyone, not just myself.
I wonder why it is me, the girl who is supposed to have problems in understanding the non-verbal communication, who feels the tense atmosphere when everyone else ignore it completely. Why do I see solutions and everyone else ignore them? Even the teachers. Do I annoy them so much because I see things they should have seen and offer solutions they should have offered? I feel like I'm doing what the teachers should be doing and seeing what they are ignoring.
It bothers me as an Asperger that the teacher I yelled at, who yelled at me first, has not apologized me although I apologized my words to her. It bothers me that she clearly has not let go of the issue, although we agreed that we would. It bothers me as an Asperger that I clearly am not capable of expressing myself as clearly as I would like to. And it bothers me greatly that my teachers know very well of my diagnosis but aren't professional enough to see that my outburst was a clear example of a situation where an Asperger girl has tried to find a way out from an uncomfortable situation and all of the good ways have been denied from her and ultimately the frustration and discomfort has led into an outburst. My mother said "You are the one who has to live with your outburst and the words you said. Everyone else has almost forgotten about it already and you keep going through it in your head and won't stop for a while. The teachers should realize that and just let it be already. She knows me so well. I do not regret that I yelled at the teacher, because I believe she deserved it, but it makes me sad that I lost control. The words would've been so much more effective if I had stayed calm when the teacher raised her voice. That is what I regret.
I'll be going over this for weeks to come. And if I'm at all right about the teacher who I shall now name as The Enemy, this isn't the last chapter of our fashion show fiasco.