words hurt, depression is brutal
do you want the god's honest truth? i am not fine. i am not by any means or definition of fine. there is no fucking way that i am fucking fine because i just spent the last fifteen minutes of my shower crying. i can't even summon up the energy to recreate in here half the things that were going through my head
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There are so many things I want to say that I don't even know where to begin.
First of all, I know this sounds cliche and it is the first thing that everyone you confess something like this to tells you, but you are not alone in feeling like this. In fact, while I was reading your post, I felt like I was reading all the stuff that's been in my head lately. I have pretty much the same problem you have. I've never dated anyone, I've never kissed anyone, I've never had sex, and at this point I find it so unlikely that it will ever happen that I am making it my life's goal to die a virgin just to stick in the face of all the people and media that make you feel that you're somehow less because of that. I basically have your same fear that I'll end up alone and it depresses me so much that, like you, I end up crying in the most random places.
I also have the same worries you have about not being a real writer. I'm not even sure I'll ever actually write and publish something and I've pretty much resigned myself to the fact that I don't actually have a calling or a passion for anything in life. But for you this will probably pass. I'm glad you got into creative writing, because that's most likely going to force you to write on a regular basis and out of pure habit you'll end up writing stuff that's actually good and get motivated to expand on it later. I read the beginning of your novel last year, remember? The fact that you even got that far says something and I really really think you shouldn't give up on that. Use your depression and all these strong feelings to produce something awesome instead. I know you can do it. :)
Anyway, I don't know how much this helped. I just thought you needed to know you're not alone in feeling like this, that there is at least one person in your flist who is as much of a social weirdo as you feel you are. I really wish we could sit down and talk about this face to face because it looks like you could use a friendly face that can talk back to you instead of just listening, like LJ does.
I know this is cliche (there's that word again... Jennifer Duncan has ruined me for life!) and futile, but I hope you feel better soon. If you need to talk, I'm here. My yahoo email address is jimetp21@yahoo.com in case you want to add me to msn or something. *massive hugs*
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we need to give ourselves more credit. we're both in prof writing and we're both in uni. that's a big accomplishment in the first place. and we might not be alone forever. i'm still sad about still not being in love, but it makes me feel better that there is someone else out there who is in the same position as i am. before, i had no faith that there would be someone else who hasn't had a boyfriend.
and i feel like i wasn't being as good of a friend as i could have been last yr. i hope you're not mad about that.
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I'm glad I could make you not feel so alone anymore. I never talk about it, but reading this and knowing I wasn't the only one made me feel a lot better, so I thought I'd return the favour. And yes, I agree with you that being a third-year uni student is way more valuable than how many romantic partners you've had. :)
And I'm most definitely not mad at you. I'm just happy that we still talk after two years and that you'll probably still say hi to me when we meet randomly on campus next year even if we don't take the same classes and that's enough for me because after two years in Canada I can count on the fingers of one hand the friends I've made so it just makes me feel better.
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