Another day towards death...
I'm so tired. I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of caring. I'm just tired. I bust by chops trying to be the best I can for everybody. Why is it that so very very few people even care? Am I so despicable that people can't stand being around me? Why? Why do I even care? Why can't I be like so many others and adopt the "If it doesn't effect me I don't care about it" philosophy? Dammit, I'm so sick of this. I try so hard. I get no thanks, no positive reinforcement, just pure criticism. I haven't received a compliment in...I really don't know how long. I don't even remember the last day I was happy. Stupid medicine still doesn't work. I take two shots of 75 mg of it and all it does is make me so dizzy I can't walk. I am starting to even question God in my life. He's not helping much, can I cast Him off like that too? No, it's not my place to question that. I still love Him, but it's hard when it feels like I'm getting the cold shoulder from virtually everyone. I'm just so lonely. I still have a few friends who say they care, but they make me feel even worse because they think that I don't realize that. I really wish I were dead. I should have done it so long ago, then maybe I wouldn't have been such a burden to everybody. I'm so weak... I wish that I could learn to love myself, but I've done so much despicable stuff in the past. I can't ever forgive myself for some of it. Maybe it's just that I have to go through this hell, which even Dan has acknowledged it to be. I wish God would help me, why won't He? I'm so sorry for whatever it is that I've done. I just want to be loved and accepted. I just want to be...