brain spiders win due to lack of stomping

[sanctify]

nothing gets you down faster than looking upon old correspondence, from a happier time, another place, that other person you were at another point in time everything changes for better or worse for survival or death, sometimes when i think about it and if i never felt this misery how much more of a boring life would i have i wouldnt have the best memories to look back on i would have nothing i cant trade the bad for good, heh bad for good, i dont want to i hate looking to the past because it has its place in my mind and i do not like to spend my time there nor do i like to spend my time in what might happen on the consiquences of actions, it keeps you tied down turns you into an old person so i just stay in the now even though i dont feel like im 21 i feel more like an 18 year old and i like it htat way it takes away the threat of starting a life and getting all that responcibility, its not like i dont want any of it i just cant right now my motivation is shot right now.. i spent a lot of time looking back at that correspondence and i long for those great times "perfection" doesnt amount to a small fraction of what it was. wiht all the spiders that you stopmed out of existence more came to replace them built stronger and more able to destroy, result not at good one, then after looking at all the happiness and nonstop back and forth correspondence you see a drastic change in it all it becomes onesided with everything going out and ntohing coming in or vice et versa talk about an omen giving you warining for the ultimate anihilation or sudden disrepair, that felt like quite the typing fury and then i look up and realise it wasnt wtf i guess im a little drained i strted working onmy scripts again who knows if i can get what i wanted out of them anymore , also my hair is getting out of control the front is now below my eyes at like cheek bone status but then its all an uneven wreck i lostmy deoderant lucky for me daily showers and staying home make for great times, one day i hope to understand just why specifically everything tht has happened happened cause i see it and i cant believe its happening and all of nin i once was convinced i knew everything and could connect but not until now do i acctually really understand , now the only comforts i have are waiting to see what tomorrow will bring waht new trick fate will decide to play on me for if i can figure it out then i can avoid it , but then that might jsutbe what it wanted all along idk i think there might be something wrong in my head some small wire not doing what its supposed to do and just unleashing on me this has proabbyl all turned into mindless babble but its typed and i dont want to go back and read it and i will post it anyway for this might very well be the last post on livejournal i cant keep typing out abuot how happy angry or depressed i am and i knwo tahts not all live journal is for i knew that once in the begining but then i turned it into jsut some "fat girl talking about how boys dont like them and how theyre goping to kill themselves" journal and so i cant think of anything else to say cept for maybe

a tout mes ami
je vous aime
je dois partir

and to my love
rainen no kono hi mo issho ni waratteiy-oh...

if by some kind of rebirth ritual is done [sh2 style] and i return to live journal stories will flow like sweet candy

over.