Mar talk on the go
Ahaha I'm updating mar talk via NHHS interwebs.
So yeah highlights over the last while
Tanked at the yoyo competition, but I was perfectly fine with that. Stagefright is really something I need to fix. I used to be terrified of answering questions in class, but that improved over time. So I can assume that if I keep putting myself on stage, then the hand shaking, nerve wracking madness will eventually stop too. It seems kind of like an unnecessary thing to master, but I can't help but what to conquer this fear rathrr than try to hide it. Also, it'll help me become better at other things like pitching ideas to groups of people. Which is definitely a useful skill.
However, it was after I got home that all hell broke loose.
Bro and I got back at like 9pm ish, and noticed my aunt's car in front of the house. Now I was dead tired and honestly did not want to deal with her at the moment. So I figured that she would eventually leave. Thus we went to a nearby supermarket and I called my mom to ask about what was going on. Turns out my aunt is there to ask about her iPad again... which I'm getting rather annoyed over having explained so many times (things like how the internet and email are different things). So I asked if my mom would call me once she left. My mom said that she would, but also told us to hurry back. We went over to another local supermarket and proceeded to pick up a few random things and then just sit in the parking lot while awaiting my mom's call.
We stayed there until about 11:40pm and called again... She was still there and my mom simply told us to come back soon.. Even though I begged her to convince my aunt to leave because I didn't want to find her another job or handle another in depth explaination of some pointless request or frankly anything else. I don't like to give up on people in terms of teaching things, but I've learned that she is seriously not interested in learning anything.. She just wants to show off to people about how tech savvy she apparently she is. But nooo it's really just me setting everything up for her to go brag about them. She asks me to teach her something and all she does is zone out and ask me to simply finish the task. Then there's how we've found at least three different jobs for her, only for her to reject all of them for stupid reasons like how she doesn't want to work with Mexicans, or doesn't like Vons because "it's no good," or how she doesn't want to make smoothies in a Thai place because she just doesn't feel like it. Then she has the nerve to pester me many times a week over finding her another job. I'm not going to do it. This is too much strain on me and I'm sick of it!
But I'm still on a guilt trip anyway! My instinct says that I just can't stay away from someone who needs help, let alone someone who's related to me!
So thus I had a glorious total mental breakdown on Saturday night. Where nothing got accomplished at all!
So I predicted that if I told her to just read what her problem was, it wouldn't be a problem at all, she would mumble "okay okay.." add some random insult at me and leave.
I called it.
But that wasn't what set me off. My mom decided that the best way to avoid conflict was to proceed to describe as many of my flaws as possible and complain to her about how much of a stupid child I apparently am. Honestly, try as I might, it's really hard to keep emotional control as two adults in my family stand there complaining about me in front of me. But I was still mostly okay.. My aunt proceeded to brag about how she got a phone call from some advertiser speaking in spanish and how she yelled "F*** YOU" into the phone and hung up. She laughed so hard as she recounted her story and we were all just aghast at how racist she was being. Meanwhile she just smiled at us. That stupid smile. The same one from the last time I freaked out in front of her. Where she sits there thinking about how great she apparently is. It makes me feel ridiculously furious that she can be so close minded. It only rubs salt in the wound when the brags about how great her life is because she prays so much and has apparently never done anything bad to anyone. These blatant lies are very offensive to me and I know I want to confront them.. Yet I find myself not doing so.
So yeah.. Being dismissed like that was the final straw, so I marched upstairs to my room, sat down and bawled for a little while. It was mostly the thought that it's always been my job to fix things. Answer questions.. Find solutions.. Help people.. But this was such a hopeless case. Between my mom demanding me to provide more and more answers for the housing predicament between my aunt and uncle, my aunt demanding I do everything for her, and all of my other usual stressors, I was completely at a loss. What am I supposed to do? I freaked out at the thought of being completely overwhelmed.
Of course I get no time for tears because I need to fix things, so my reprieve was only mine for about a minute or two.
My mom came in and asked what was wrong and said she would help me feel better... I haven't heard anything like that since I was still under eight years old, so I had no answer. I mumbled something about my aunt really pushing the limits of my patience, and my mom agreed.
But then my brother came in.. So my mom went off about the housing thing again. Three seconds into her current idea, my brother interrupts her to say that he's going to go downstairs to watch his show.. So of course my mom gets completely pissed off. I mean seriously? A potential $700,000 deal and he'd rather go watch Bleach???
I didn't even get to say anything before my mom yelled at both of us. It wasn't even my fault..
She went off about how she should just sell of everything and leave the two of us with nothing because we obviously don't care..
I felt so horrible over this.. I've spent hours upon hours finding solution after solution and I still get instantly disregarded.. I hadn't even had the opportunity to calm down yet. My mom kept yelling about how ungrateful we are and then told me to quit crying already..
At this point, I can mostly remember mumbling about how I was listening the whole time and that I wasn't trying to go downstairs and watch tv or anything.
My brother came back upstairs because he finally realized how much of a stupid move he made and proceeded to try and console me by mumbling about how horrible he is and how many problems he has. As if I don't have to deal with his problems anyway.
After a few minutes, my mom came back and decided to ask just what my aunt did to anger me so much.. I think that was one of the few moments of pity being offered to me. Maybe my mom finally looked at life from my point of veiw, if for just a moment?
And that was when the thought occured to me: my aunt is the source of a majority of my current life problems. It's her fault I have to deal with this whole housing deal, it's her fault that all this stress gets put on my mom in the first place, it's her fault that this stress has to be taken out on me - the problem solver of the bunch. People have problems, they come to me for answers. If she keeps providing people with problems, then they'll keep coming to me for solutions.
But yeah.. That was definitely my low point this summer.
This kind of stress really builds up in me. I have all sorts of means of dealing with it, but it does get to me every now and then. I occasionally think about just working up a ton of money, giving it to my mom and brother, and then declaring myself done with it all, unable to handle anything else, and then ending it all. But I know that's definitely not the right answer to my familial turmoils. It just feels like nothing less than that will get them to realize that I am indeed only human despite my inherent need to become stronger.
I'm aware this line of thinking is dangerous. Plus it's the coward's way out. I don't like it, but it rears its ugly head every now and then.
I guess it's the futility that gets to me most. I can predict people down to the exact words they'll use in their reactions, but I don't know how to stop them from happening.
My current best case scenario solution: take advantage of the ridiculously good credit much of my family has, use it to acquire the $60,000 my aunt is demanding for the title to the house she never even paid for, put in my personal effort and money to rennovate it, rent out all three houses on the property, after taxes and whatnot, there should still be roughly $12,000 at least made per year, use that to pay off the debt in five or six years.
Problem is, I don't like it, and most other folks won't like it either. I know an answer, I just don't like it.
On another thought, I guess this stress really pushes me towards a lot of obscure habits. I've taken to saying "What's a good day without a random act of kindness," but I have to admit that there are actually some selfish motives behind it too. When I do something nice for someone or anything really, I get this sense of accomplishment. Especially if I see someone else become happier. It kind of reaffirms my ability to actually do things. I feel happy when this happens and I kind of like to chase that feeling. But it does kind of feel a bit wrong to help others for a more selfish reason, but between that and my growing need for escapism, I can remain mostly optimistic. It's easy to put on a smile like this.
The escapism is a bit more awkward.. Anything like a story, comic, movie, anything that can whisk my mind away into another diagetic world where my troubles don't exist.. I guess there are times when it needs to be curbed a bit more, but it does placate my mind greatly. Like forcefully making me step back and get a new look on things by taking me away from it all, if just for a small moment.
Well, I've got stuff to do right now. More Mar Talk later.
Zot!
-Mar Out
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