(no subject)
Hey all! Once again, I have sort of neglected my livejournal, so here I am trying to post a bit more about my thoughts.
First thing is... I'M ALMOST DONE WORKING AT MLS!! WOOHOO!! lol My kids go on stage March 4th, and hopefully they won't get stage fright and bomb. I'm still mulling over my job prospects for next term. I think I will end up with Interac, but I will have to wait until the end of February at least to know where they may place me. I'm getting anxious. I won't be able to look properly for a place to live until I know where I will be working.
Second thing is... Moving again. I am probably going to move in with Ross again, but this time we will have separate rooms. Definitely. I need my private space and escape room. I think living with a boy will make it hard for me to find a partner, but ultimately, we are just friends, & I don't want to live alone if my activities with Bonbon increase.
Third thing is... Bonbon & losing weight. So far we had our photo shoot for Bonbon, but we haven't done anything else with it. Tsuyoshi has been super busy and dealing with problems in his other idol group which has left us Bonbon girls on the back burner. We are still fully charged to start this thing, but it will at least have to wait until Tsuyoshi gets back from the convention next week in DC. Cara & I have been going to the gym again 2x a week. I haven't dropped any weight, but I do feel better for going. My goal is 54. I'm at about 57. Not too big of a difference, but still it will be hard for me.
Fourth thing is... Life. As most of you know, I have occasionally been sleeping around, not wanting to think about finding a boyfriend. And recently I decided to start looking again. Well, I met this guy at the club last week who was really nice. His name is Takeshi, and he speaks basically fluent English. He's 28, lives alone, has a job, and is quite caring. I thought he might be a pretty good boyfriend, but I am having some doubts. In fact, I think I have put myself off dating again. Ugh. I stayed over at his place last Saturday. It was very comfortable there. We had good conversation. Sex was alright, too. And he was very attentive/caring. I decided to stay at his place again last night. And he was still nice, caring, etc. Although he is not ugly by any means, I felt somewhat different this time. I still slept with him, but ultimately, I felt like I didn't really want to. I kind of feel like something inside me is broken, & I'm not really sure why. Aside from his looks being not perfect, sleeping in bed with him was just annoying. He always wants to hold me, but I couldn't sleep very well at all that way. It reminded me of the annoying parts of relationships. I am starting to think that I need to forget about searching for love & just work on developing my own life first. If love comes along, so be it. If it doesn't, oh well. The problem with this is my high sex drive. I quite prefer being single most of the time. Nothing to tie me down. No sacrifices I have to make. No one I have to worry about. But when it comes to having sex, snuggling, or going on dates, I kind of need someone to be there. But I guess I just feel like I wouldn't want them there all the time. Do you get what I mean? I don't know. I guess I still have a lot of things to figure out in my life.
Fifth thing is... Dance. I really, really, really want to start dancing. I think this would be a great hobby for me to have, but I just don't know where to start. I've been looking at dance studios around Tokyo, but I won't know how they are until I actually visit them. And I can't sign up for anything until my work situation is figured out. Hopefully I can throw myself in this and have it make up for not having a boyfriend. In any case, it should be fun & healthy. Yay. Now do I want to do this alone? Or do I want to have a dance friend? IDK
Sixth thing is... Japan/USA. As usual, I am conflicted about living here. I love it here. I love the people here. I love my paycheck here. I love the exercise here. I love the scenery here. But I am starting to tire out a bit. I miss my family. I miss my friends. And I miss good food. And though this has little to do with Japan/USA, I miss that something in my life which gave it meaning. I feel empty. I have an extremely hard time believing in God. I have a hard time giving money & time to others. I want to feel driven and useful again. I want to stop being so skeptical. I want to be involved with volunteer work & advocacy groups. I want to somehow clean myself up (ie take better care of myself). But I just feel like I am putting all this on hold until I get back home to the US. I feel like I can do all this selfish crazy shit while I'm here & that I should do it as much as possible, but when I go back to the States, it will all stop. Don't get me wrong. I do find something extremely appealing in meeting strangers & sleeping with them right away. I enjoy it. But actually it is very dangerous. And I don't want to lose my life or suffer from disease. I enjoy getting new clothes & looking fashionable, but I miss not having to care as much about it. I miss directing that money towards better, more fulfilling things. Ugh. My life is in the gutters atm. And though I don't hate it, I don't always like it either. Am I biding my time till I go home and clean up?
Anyway, I know what many of you reading will focus in on and try to advise on, but encouragement & in depth/helpful thoughts about these things would be more appreciated than things like 'Use condoms' or 'Go on the pill." or something like that. ^^; Thanks for reading!!
First thing is... I'M ALMOST DONE WORKING AT MLS!! WOOHOO!! lol My kids go on stage March 4th, and hopefully they won't get stage fright and bomb. I'm still mulling over my job prospects for next term. I think I will end up with Interac, but I will have to wait until the end of February at least to know where they may place me. I'm getting anxious. I won't be able to look properly for a place to live until I know where I will be working.
Second thing is... Moving again. I am probably going to move in with Ross again, but this time we will have separate rooms. Definitely. I need my private space and escape room. I think living with a boy will make it hard for me to find a partner, but ultimately, we are just friends, & I don't want to live alone if my activities with Bonbon increase.
Third thing is... Bonbon & losing weight. So far we had our photo shoot for Bonbon, but we haven't done anything else with it. Tsuyoshi has been super busy and dealing with problems in his other idol group which has left us Bonbon girls on the back burner. We are still fully charged to start this thing, but it will at least have to wait until Tsuyoshi gets back from the convention next week in DC. Cara & I have been going to the gym again 2x a week. I haven't dropped any weight, but I do feel better for going. My goal is 54. I'm at about 57. Not too big of a difference, but still it will be hard for me.
Fourth thing is... Life. As most of you know, I have occasionally been sleeping around, not wanting to think about finding a boyfriend. And recently I decided to start looking again. Well, I met this guy at the club last week who was really nice. His name is Takeshi, and he speaks basically fluent English. He's 28, lives alone, has a job, and is quite caring. I thought he might be a pretty good boyfriend, but I am having some doubts. In fact, I think I have put myself off dating again. Ugh. I stayed over at his place last Saturday. It was very comfortable there. We had good conversation. Sex was alright, too. And he was very attentive/caring. I decided to stay at his place again last night. And he was still nice, caring, etc. Although he is not ugly by any means, I felt somewhat different this time. I still slept with him, but ultimately, I felt like I didn't really want to. I kind of feel like something inside me is broken, & I'm not really sure why. Aside from his looks being not perfect, sleeping in bed with him was just annoying. He always wants to hold me, but I couldn't sleep very well at all that way. It reminded me of the annoying parts of relationships. I am starting to think that I need to forget about searching for love & just work on developing my own life first. If love comes along, so be it. If it doesn't, oh well. The problem with this is my high sex drive. I quite prefer being single most of the time. Nothing to tie me down. No sacrifices I have to make. No one I have to worry about. But when it comes to having sex, snuggling, or going on dates, I kind of need someone to be there. But I guess I just feel like I wouldn't want them there all the time. Do you get what I mean? I don't know. I guess I still have a lot of things to figure out in my life.
Fifth thing is... Dance. I really, really, really want to start dancing. I think this would be a great hobby for me to have, but I just don't know where to start. I've been looking at dance studios around Tokyo, but I won't know how they are until I actually visit them. And I can't sign up for anything until my work situation is figured out. Hopefully I can throw myself in this and have it make up for not having a boyfriend. In any case, it should be fun & healthy. Yay. Now do I want to do this alone? Or do I want to have a dance friend? IDK
Sixth thing is... Japan/USA. As usual, I am conflicted about living here. I love it here. I love the people here. I love my paycheck here. I love the exercise here. I love the scenery here. But I am starting to tire out a bit. I miss my family. I miss my friends. And I miss good food. And though this has little to do with Japan/USA, I miss that something in my life which gave it meaning. I feel empty. I have an extremely hard time believing in God. I have a hard time giving money & time to others. I want to feel driven and useful again. I want to stop being so skeptical. I want to be involved with volunteer work & advocacy groups. I want to somehow clean myself up (ie take better care of myself). But I just feel like I am putting all this on hold until I get back home to the US. I feel like I can do all this selfish crazy shit while I'm here & that I should do it as much as possible, but when I go back to the States, it will all stop. Don't get me wrong. I do find something extremely appealing in meeting strangers & sleeping with them right away. I enjoy it. But actually it is very dangerous. And I don't want to lose my life or suffer from disease. I enjoy getting new clothes & looking fashionable, but I miss not having to care as much about it. I miss directing that money towards better, more fulfilling things. Ugh. My life is in the gutters atm. And though I don't hate it, I don't always like it either. Am I biding my time till I go home and clean up?
Anyway, I know what many of you reading will focus in on and try to advise on, but encouragement & in depth/helpful thoughts about these things would be more appreciated than things like 'Use condoms' or 'Go on the pill." or something like that. ^^; Thanks for reading!!