How do I <3 Hena? Let me count the e-mail responses...
Tonight, because it's what we do,
murdersoul and I started scheming. She was complaining about an ugly girl on OKCupid who was getting responses from guys. I explained to her that girls on the internet are at a buffet. They can pick and choose and take their time, sorting through all of the available options. Guys on the internet are like dogs, waiting outside of a butcher shop, hoping to get thrown a scrap. If and when it happens, they're not stopping to see whether or not it's filet mignon. To prove my point, we decided to create a fake Craig's List ad in the Casual Encounters Section. The results...were not surprising, yet utterly hilarious.
This is the original ad, although I know they get deleted after a week, so here it is for posterity's sake. I wrote the entry with Hena giving me permission to use "the ugliest pic of her I could find."
DINOSAUR LOVER JUST NEEDS L-U-V! - w4m - 31
The title says it all. I am one dino-lovin' Brooklyn babe. By day I'm a cashier at a 99 cent store in Fulton Mall area, but at night I like to cook up some brats, crack open a Miller High Life, and watch Flintstone re-runs 'til dawn.
Sooooo, yeah, guess it's KINDA apparent why I don't get many dates. I'm trying to be pretty, it's hard! I'm a bit of a BBW at 215 lbs, but I just joined weight watchers and it's starting to work! I was on Jenny Craig, but they like, totally FUCKED me over. I actually gained weight! Anyway...TANGENT!
Well, this girl needs some release!
Srsly, guys, I'm a blast. And I'm AZN! AND ME RIKEY SUCK YOUR COCK. WHOOP WHOOP. MAGIC WORDS! I am an undersexed introverted archaeologically fetished dinophile who wants a BONE in her tonight. If you live in Brooklyn, and you want to get a little FREAKY, pre-historic' style, drop me a line. Once you go geek, you'll never go back. HA, who am I kidding. Tomorrow you'll be back to beating off to Paris Hilton throwing up outside of Club Skank, but for now...take what you can get. I live alone and can host.
Pls guys. I'm really starting to get bored of masturbating to reruns of House on iTunes. Although, Hugh Laurie, if you're in NYC tonight...
Now, I really thought this would get flagged immediately. It's RIDICULOUS. But no. Over 110 responses later, I'm convinced the male populous is doomed. Some of the e-mails were stupid. Some actually almost sounded endearing. Many contained unnecessary shots of male genatalia. Here are some of our favorite responses:
"how can you be workign at a 99 cent store when clearly should be writing for someone. Or at least have a blog? good luck on your quest for the perfect bone."
" youre sweet...lets get down dino style"
"That is one of the best ads I have ever seen on CL. I loved it. I would be very lucky if you want me to come over tonight, or you can come over to my place. I am a fun, good looking, single 29yr old. I have no problem with bbw girls, I think it can be incredibly sexy. I might be smaller but I am athletic and I know I can handle it. I can make you cum, a lot. I haven't had any sex in a long time, so you are in for a long night! Please let me know asap. I am also off work tomorrow if you want to sleep in and go at it all day tomorrow too. I have plenty more pics."
"... I will be there in 30 minute if you give me the git-go. I love your imagination, your enthusiasm -- your wild horny dinosaur LUST>"
"lol i love ur ad.. crack me up.. anyway i dont know how u have problems on dating. ur cute"
"You're post has got to be one of the funniest, smartest ones I've ever seen on this site, especially this section. Anyone who can write like you is likely to be pretty attractive to me. Are you still looking for tonight, or maybe tommorow? I'm 32, brown hair green eyes, good sense of humor in bed and out, and give great backrubs as well. And I also appreciate dinosaurs:) Hope to hear from you..."
"you sound great - go dino go"
"ungawa me wanna fuck. seriously, id be into getting you off, dsccovery chanel style"
"wow, you managed to pull of sexy and geeky all at the same time. i thought i was the only with that talent (even though i barely have it). but although i'm not a huge flinstones fan, that show rocks."
"So why the angry face in the photo? Or is that just a dinosaur attach pose? I would've much rather seen a pic with you smiling. So what's your favorite dinosaur anyway?
" My dear, just to show you MUCH, MUCH RESPECT for placing an AD. I hope that you are well today. 1st of all let me say, I am willing to accept the responsibility of satisfying you. Anyway, My name is James. I am 40, 5' 7" tall, 180 lbs Athletic build. I'm Drug, Drama and TRULY
Disease Free (No HIV or STDs) and I DO have RECENT PAPERS to prove it. I just love your ad. I can get with you very soon IF YOU SO DESIRE. Now you have a very blessed day." <--Hear that. Blessed day. This guy's obviously a follower of Christ, let's fuck HIM.
"just so happens that everyone calls me dino and i love me a bbw"
" Want to phone fuck?
Jon" <--Short. Simple. Endearing.
"First thing that comes to my mind is that I have to be honest with you. I want to fuck your face. Can you handle it?"
"hey i saw ur ad on cragslist and i have a real fetish for asians as a well as dinoasours." <--Blink. Blink. WHAT THE EVERLOVING CHRIST??
"like you, This [guy] needs some release, and if that came (oh my, a pun ?) by your hands, and any other orifice you wish to share, I'd be more than happy to hook up with you."
"i like you ............... And Paris Hilton got std's i bet you dont..........lets do it like they do it in the Discovery channel." <--I swear, one more guy make a Discovery Channel joke...
"Hi,is chocolate your flavor?" <--My flavor for what? Ice cream? Coffee? Toothpaste? Ohhhhh, he's a black guy.
"Hilarious,this has got to be one of the most interesting posts i have ever seen. I laughed out loud when i read it. I have never responded to one of these before. Honest! I usually check them out to get a hardy laugh, but this was different."
"I am very adventurous and I'm looking to go on a vacation to search.....IN YOUR PANTS!!!!" <--...OHHH! SNAP!
" hey im interested in your proposition, but one thing is it okey if i have a small penis?" <-- Welp. I applaud his honesty!
"So how pint up are you?" <--The FUCK?
"Your add is very Convincing." <-- You should see my subtract.
"You Rikey to suck cock...and I rikey to have it sucked...lol"
These go on and on and on, and I still have 50 e-mails I haven't read yet...and they just keep coming.
In conclusion, we give you...Cap'n Crunch
murdersoul and I started scheming. She was complaining about an ugly girl on OKCupid who was getting responses from guys. I explained to her that girls on the internet are at a buffet. They can pick and choose and take their time, sorting through all of the available options. Guys on the internet are like dogs, waiting outside of a butcher shop, hoping to get thrown a scrap. If and when it happens, they're not stopping to see whether or not it's filet mignon. To prove my point, we decided to create a fake Craig's List ad in the Casual Encounters Section. The results...were not surprising, yet utterly hilarious.
This is the original ad, although I know they get deleted after a week, so here it is for posterity's sake. I wrote the entry with Hena giving me permission to use "the ugliest pic of her I could find."
DINOSAUR LOVER JUST NEEDS L-U-V! - w4m - 31
The title says it all. I am one dino-lovin' Brooklyn babe. By day I'm a cashier at a 99 cent store in Fulton Mall area, but at night I like to cook up some brats, crack open a Miller High Life, and watch Flintstone re-runs 'til dawn.
Sooooo, yeah, guess it's KINDA apparent why I don't get many dates. I'm trying to be pretty, it's hard! I'm a bit of a BBW at 215 lbs, but I just joined weight watchers and it's starting to work! I was on Jenny Craig, but they like, totally FUCKED me over. I actually gained weight! Anyway...TANGENT!
Well, this girl needs some release!
Srsly, guys, I'm a blast. And I'm AZN! AND ME RIKEY SUCK YOUR COCK. WHOOP WHOOP. MAGIC WORDS! I am an undersexed introverted archaeologically fetished dinophile who wants a BONE in her tonight. If you live in Brooklyn, and you want to get a little FREAKY, pre-historic' style, drop me a line. Once you go geek, you'll never go back. HA, who am I kidding. Tomorrow you'll be back to beating off to Paris Hilton throwing up outside of Club Skank, but for now...take what you can get. I live alone and can host.
Pls guys. I'm really starting to get bored of masturbating to reruns of House on iTunes. Although, Hugh Laurie, if you're in NYC tonight...
Now, I really thought this would get flagged immediately. It's RIDICULOUS. But no. Over 110 responses later, I'm convinced the male populous is doomed. Some of the e-mails were stupid. Some actually almost sounded endearing. Many contained unnecessary shots of male genatalia. Here are some of our favorite responses:
"how can you be workign at a 99 cent store when clearly should be writing for someone. Or at least have a blog? good luck on your quest for the perfect bone."
" youre sweet...lets get down dino style"
"That is one of the best ads I have ever seen on CL. I loved it. I would be very lucky if you want me to come over tonight, or you can come over to my place. I am a fun, good looking, single 29yr old. I have no problem with bbw girls, I think it can be incredibly sexy. I might be smaller but I am athletic and I know I can handle it. I can make you cum, a lot. I haven't had any sex in a long time, so you are in for a long night! Please let me know asap. I am also off work tomorrow if you want to sleep in and go at it all day tomorrow too. I have plenty more pics."
"... I will be there in 30 minute if you give me the git-go. I love your imagination, your enthusiasm -- your wild horny dinosaur LUST>"
"lol i love ur ad.. crack me up.. anyway i dont know how u have problems on dating. ur cute"
"You're post has got to be one of the funniest, smartest ones I've ever seen on this site, especially this section. Anyone who can write like you is likely to be pretty attractive to me. Are you still looking for tonight, or maybe tommorow? I'm 32, brown hair green eyes, good sense of humor in bed and out, and give great backrubs as well. And I also appreciate dinosaurs:) Hope to hear from you..."
"you sound great - go dino go"
"ungawa me wanna fuck. seriously, id be into getting you off, dsccovery chanel style"
"wow, you managed to pull of sexy and geeky all at the same time. i thought i was the only with that talent (even though i barely have it). but although i'm not a huge flinstones fan, that show rocks."
"So why the angry face in the photo? Or is that just a dinosaur attach pose? I would've much rather seen a pic with you smiling. So what's your favorite dinosaur anyway?
" My dear, just to show you MUCH, MUCH RESPECT for placing an AD. I hope that you are well today. 1st of all let me say, I am willing to accept the responsibility of satisfying you. Anyway, My name is James. I am 40, 5' 7" tall, 180 lbs Athletic build. I'm Drug, Drama and TRULY
Disease Free (No HIV or STDs) and I DO have RECENT PAPERS to prove it. I just love your ad. I can get with you very soon IF YOU SO DESIRE. Now you have a very blessed day." <--Hear that. Blessed day. This guy's obviously a follower of Christ, let's fuck HIM.
"just so happens that everyone calls me dino and i love me a bbw"
" Want to phone fuck?
Jon" <--Short. Simple. Endearing.
"First thing that comes to my mind is that I have to be honest with you. I want to fuck your face. Can you handle it?"
"hey i saw ur ad on cragslist and i have a real fetish for asians as a well as dinoasours." <--Blink. Blink. WHAT THE EVERLOVING CHRIST??
"like you, This [guy] needs some release, and if that came (oh my, a pun ?) by your hands, and any other orifice you wish to share, I'd be more than happy to hook up with you."
"i like you ............... And Paris Hilton got std's i bet you dont..........lets do it like they do it in the Discovery channel." <--I swear, one more guy make a Discovery Channel joke...
"Hi,is chocolate your flavor?" <--My flavor for what? Ice cream? Coffee? Toothpaste? Ohhhhh, he's a black guy.
"Hilarious,this has got to be one of the most interesting posts i have ever seen. I laughed out loud when i read it. I have never responded to one of these before. Honest! I usually check them out to get a hardy laugh, but this was different."
"I am very adventurous and I'm looking to go on a vacation to search.....IN YOUR PANTS!!!!" <--...OHHH! SNAP!
" hey im interested in your proposition, but one thing is it okey if i have a small penis?" <-- Welp. I applaud his honesty!
"So how pint up are you?" <--The FUCK?
"Your add is very Convincing." <-- You should see my subtract.
"You Rikey to suck cock...and I rikey to have it sucked...lol"
These go on and on and on, and I still have 50 e-mails I haven't read yet...and they just keep coming.
In conclusion, we give you...Cap'n Crunch