Don't B Nervous Talking To Girls [sic]
Okay, Internets.
Xbox Live hosts an entire section of games created by Indie developers. One of these is a little gem called 'Don't B Nervous Talking To Girls'. I don't know if they were trying to be cheeky, or if they ran out of letters. Honestly, I would have taken the g off of "talking", because it sounds less insipid.
I had to know. I HAD TO.
After all, the title screen features some clip art of a dude surrounded by four women. It seemed like standard Playa' fanfare.
The game centers around Jessica, average beautiful, if immature and useless female archetype. She is the perfect nightmare for the dorky Xbox Cavedweller.
Each "stage" is centered around some particular situation. It doesn't feel altogether different from a Berlitz language primer, and I suppose this is just a different sort of Romance Language (har har). The scenes are absolutely contrived, in a sort of "day game" sort of fashion where you accost random women out in your daily life and try to shake them down for a phone number.
Okay, so I could bitch about how phone numbers are stupid and pedantic, but that isn't a rant for this.
Jessica says a line, and you have to choose which of the two responses is right. This game does prove tricky, because if you've ever actually talked to a girl, you realize quickly that the answers you might actually give, differ severely.
Here's a sample interaction:
At the library, you have begun a conversation with Jessica. She comments on her math homework, "Actually, I could use some help with this"
A) I could help you do that homework
B) I'm a math whiz!
Both of these answers are so vague and try-hard that I just picked one: B
"Okay math whiz, what is 4+7 - 1 x 7"
Fuck. Really? Math? Turns out you have four answers for this one, and you have to get it right, otherwise you can't advance. Wait, why? She won't know the answer is wrong until she turns that shit in. Also, she's the one asking you for help.
Turns out the answer is four.
Anyway.
"Wow! Thanks a lot!"
The implied message here is a fast lane ticket to the friend zone, and perhaps if things get desperate, a hand job for an A on the final.
The conversations go nowhere at an incredibly breakneck pace, so I'll save you that much. All I can say is that two options, two MEDIOCRE options, is not going to teach anyone how to talk to women. In fact, I fail to see how this is helpful at all. This isn't hooked up to a headset. It isn't recording the tremor in your voice, your blood pressure. it isn't teaching you how to approach, or what to say. It is just giving very bland lines that will, and I guarantee this, get you ignored.
Of course, I picked the snarky, sarcastic option every time. I was wrong every time as well. This brings another point. I am a bitter shell of a human being who uses casutic humor to push away those I love. My cocky humor wins points because I have the confidence and the swagger to pull it off. Then again, I am someone who, not saying this arrogantly, doesn't need an XBL game to build my nerve in talking to women, so maybe it gauges accurately that the target audience would not have the ability to pull that off. Somehow I doubt it though.
In the back of my mind I imagine that 'Jessica' is the creator of this game who realized (rightly) that should could make a bit of extra coin dispensing some of what she believed to be useful tips. Unfortunately, like so many other women, she doesn't actually understand what women (and dare I say, people as a whole) want.
Xbox Live hosts an entire section of games created by Indie developers. One of these is a little gem called 'Don't B Nervous Talking To Girls'. I don't know if they were trying to be cheeky, or if they ran out of letters. Honestly, I would have taken the g off of "talking", because it sounds less insipid.
I had to know. I HAD TO.
After all, the title screen features some clip art of a dude surrounded by four women. It seemed like standard Playa' fanfare.
The game centers around Jessica, average beautiful, if immature and useless female archetype. She is the perfect nightmare for the dorky Xbox Cavedweller.
Each "stage" is centered around some particular situation. It doesn't feel altogether different from a Berlitz language primer, and I suppose this is just a different sort of Romance Language (har har). The scenes are absolutely contrived, in a sort of "day game" sort of fashion where you accost random women out in your daily life and try to shake them down for a phone number.
Okay, so I could bitch about how phone numbers are stupid and pedantic, but that isn't a rant for this.
Jessica says a line, and you have to choose which of the two responses is right. This game does prove tricky, because if you've ever actually talked to a girl, you realize quickly that the answers you might actually give, differ severely.
Here's a sample interaction:
At the library, you have begun a conversation with Jessica. She comments on her math homework, "Actually, I could use some help with this"
A) I could help you do that homework
B) I'm a math whiz!
Both of these answers are so vague and try-hard that I just picked one: B
"Okay math whiz, what is 4+7 - 1 x 7"
Fuck. Really? Math? Turns out you have four answers for this one, and you have to get it right, otherwise you can't advance. Wait, why? She won't know the answer is wrong until she turns that shit in. Also, she's the one asking you for help.
Turns out the answer is four.
Anyway.
"Wow! Thanks a lot!"
The implied message here is a fast lane ticket to the friend zone, and perhaps if things get desperate, a hand job for an A on the final.
The conversations go nowhere at an incredibly breakneck pace, so I'll save you that much. All I can say is that two options, two MEDIOCRE options, is not going to teach anyone how to talk to women. In fact, I fail to see how this is helpful at all. This isn't hooked up to a headset. It isn't recording the tremor in your voice, your blood pressure. it isn't teaching you how to approach, or what to say. It is just giving very bland lines that will, and I guarantee this, get you ignored.
Of course, I picked the snarky, sarcastic option every time. I was wrong every time as well. This brings another point. I am a bitter shell of a human being who uses casutic humor to push away those I love. My cocky humor wins points because I have the confidence and the swagger to pull it off. Then again, I am someone who, not saying this arrogantly, doesn't need an XBL game to build my nerve in talking to women, so maybe it gauges accurately that the target audience would not have the ability to pull that off. Somehow I doubt it though.
In the back of my mind I imagine that 'Jessica' is the creator of this game who realized (rightly) that should could make a bit of extra coin dispensing some of what she believed to be useful tips. Unfortunately, like so many other women, she doesn't actually understand what women (and dare I say, people as a whole) want.