Pseudo-Normalcy
In light of the events of the past year, things have finally returned to normal. Don't get me wrong. The journey back to "normal" was long and hard and painful and involved a lot of unhealthy memory repression. And on top of that, "back to normal" isn't really a good place for me. Normal is soul-crushingly boring, soul-crushingly tedious and just generally soul-crushing.
1. The events extending from last fall up until February have almost nearly been forgotten. As I've said, this has involved a shit-ton of avoidance involving those certain stimulii that are saturated with memories of that time. And it's been damn hard too. Every bit of music I listened to during that time is just filled to the brim with some bit of that atmosphere at the time, so it's still going to be quite a while before I can listen to most of that stuff.
This has also meant that I'm going back on that promise that I made which, for me, is a cardinal sin. I'm still feeling fairly guilty for that, but I've made a two-fold decision. First of all, chivalry and nobility is completely pointless if nobody else is going to give a shit. Second, maybe just this once, I'm going to actually look out for myself as opposed to placing someone else as a higher priority. This isn't a permenant thing really. I'll go back to being honorable and what have you as soon as I run into someone who gives a rat's ass.
2. Even though that problem is mostly out of the way, that still leaves me with the existential dilemma that is my boring and worthless state of being. I do essentially nothing, I am constantly bored out of my mind and work is devouring my soul. It's even more disconcerting seeing that everyone around has at least something going for them. Of course, I don't really have that many people around me anymore which is also kinda disheartening in and of itself.
3. I have found something that has kept me rather satisfied the past week or so. The only problem is that it is really expensive and really fucking pathetic. Warhammer 40,000. I started playing Dawn of War on PC which got me thinking about downloading the rulebook for the tabletop game, just out of curiosity. Well, that was a mistake. Everytime I read a rulebook of some sort like that, I get an intense desire to play said game. Well, last week I decided to actually give it a shot so I bought a Tau Fire Warrior team to start my army. It's a stupid idea to do this because it's very expensive and it's also incredibly fucking dorky. But those hours I spent putting those models together the other night were very contented hours. For the first time in a long time I was occupied with something that wasn't working or milling around depressing thoughts. Presntly I'm finding people to play with me. Oh well, I guess I just needed a hobby to keep myself from going totally insane.
1. The events extending from last fall up until February have almost nearly been forgotten. As I've said, this has involved a shit-ton of avoidance involving those certain stimulii that are saturated with memories of that time. And it's been damn hard too. Every bit of music I listened to during that time is just filled to the brim with some bit of that atmosphere at the time, so it's still going to be quite a while before I can listen to most of that stuff.
This has also meant that I'm going back on that promise that I made which, for me, is a cardinal sin. I'm still feeling fairly guilty for that, but I've made a two-fold decision. First of all, chivalry and nobility is completely pointless if nobody else is going to give a shit. Second, maybe just this once, I'm going to actually look out for myself as opposed to placing someone else as a higher priority. This isn't a permenant thing really. I'll go back to being honorable and what have you as soon as I run into someone who gives a rat's ass.
2. Even though that problem is mostly out of the way, that still leaves me with the existential dilemma that is my boring and worthless state of being. I do essentially nothing, I am constantly bored out of my mind and work is devouring my soul. It's even more disconcerting seeing that everyone around has at least something going for them. Of course, I don't really have that many people around me anymore which is also kinda disheartening in and of itself.
3. I have found something that has kept me rather satisfied the past week or so. The only problem is that it is really expensive and really fucking pathetic. Warhammer 40,000. I started playing Dawn of War on PC which got me thinking about downloading the rulebook for the tabletop game, just out of curiosity. Well, that was a mistake. Everytime I read a rulebook of some sort like that, I get an intense desire to play said game. Well, last week I decided to actually give it a shot so I bought a Tau Fire Warrior team to start my army. It's a stupid idea to do this because it's very expensive and it's also incredibly fucking dorky. But those hours I spent putting those models together the other night were very contented hours. For the first time in a long time I was occupied with something that wasn't working or milling around depressing thoughts. Presntly I'm finding people to play with me. Oh well, I guess I just needed a hobby to keep myself from going totally insane.