(no subject)

[samurai_sword]

Slightly unfortunately, the doctors found nothing wrong during the colonoscopy. I know it might seem weird to say, but I wish they could've just seen something and been able to be like, "okay, here's the issue, now we can fix it". I'm never that lucky with things. I am glad it's not cancer though. Just hearing the doctor even mention that made me a little queasy. I mean, I'm only 19. Anyway, they found nothing so they're going to try some experimental drugs with me for this weird condition he thinks I might have where the nerves that go into my belly send bizarre signals and fuck with my brain and tum simultaneously. If that's not the issue, then I get to just "live with it". I don't want to fucking live with it. I can't anymore. It's becoming too much of a burden and the whole thing is taking over my life. I have no life. I go to school or work and then I crash because I physically cannot handle things anymore and it's only getting worse. I just wish that I had answers now and that there was something I could do so that I could have a chance to actually live instead of being forced to be a hermit. I'm sick of everything that has come with whatever it is that is hurting me. I have no energy and no life. I hate how people get to do things and I can't. I hate that I have to be at home all of the time because I'm either exhausted or in too much pain to do anything. I hate whining like this too.

I guess I just wanted to get that off my chest. I'm just really frustrated. On the bright side, I got some anaestesia that totally rocked and woke up to my daddy feeding me cookies and juice in the recovery room. I was so fucking hungry.

I was still out of it today a little and kind of spaced out a couple of times when I was supposed to be caring for and teaching little children. On the bright side, I've never had more fun during music time. Raffi takes on a whole other level when your brain is mush. Baby beluga indeed.