(no subject)
So, I have concluded a lot in the past week or so. I've realized that there are things I need to get over and learn to deal with and I think I'm making real progress. I've also realized why it is I never talk to people about how I feel and how it effects other things I do. Talking to people about why I'm upset has always been, and still is, the hardest thing for me to do. I've come to realize that it's a self-defense mechanism. It's a way to keep people at a safe distance because I've found that when you let them get too close, they just hurt you. Nothing hurts more than when one of your best friends lies to you, because it makes you think that if you can't trust them, then who can you trust? When people lie to me or upset me, it's really easy for me to push them away because I don't allow myself to get too close to them to begin with. I really have problems believing people's sincerity, too. How much do you really care? If you did, wouldn't you not lie to me and hurt me? I know the world's not a perfect place and I'm slowly getting over the fact that I'm not everyone's priority, but I keep having to do it the hard way. It's not easy to realize there are places people would rather be than with you and there are people more important to someone than you. I guess I'm just looking to be someone, anyone's priority and I feel like I'll never be. I just feel really alone right now. I refuse to let anyone get close enough to help me, too. It always ends up hurting so much. I can't remember the last time I cried that hard, especially in front of someone else. Everytime something happens, I just push everyone farther away and end up feeling worse. I apologize if you've made it this far, I'm not really intending on anyone reading this. It's just a way to vent. I really hate being lied to and I always end up finding out, so it always has to hurt. Sometimes I wish I could just be lied to and be naive enough to believe it. At least then it wouldn't hurt. I guess I've just been stressed out lately and I really feel like I'm living in my own little world, like I've put up four walls and no one's getting in. I guess that's becuase I have. Makes it easier to run away, you know? When you refuse to give people a part of you, they can never just take it with them. I feel like an emotional train wreck. That is all.