George's Nightmare
George reports on this nightmare he had. I, of course, now have a bellyache from laughing. Poor George!!! Oh, and don't try reading it aloud to your SO or whoever, that will just make the laughing worse.
STAR WARS EPISODE IV: A NEW HOPE
Story by George Lucas
Screenplay by
Screenplay by Quentin Tarantino
1. EXT -- SPACE
CRAWL:
It’s a fucked-up time in the galaxy. The Emperor wants to fuck the universe up the ass for his own personal enjoyment, but a few determined people are refusing to bend over. They are called the Rebel Alliance. The brave and young and oh-so-hot Princess Leia has stolen the plans to the Death Star, a giant spaceship that can blow planets to smithereens, and is trying to get them to the Rebel base. But the Empire is onto her and is chasing her ass down over the nothing world of Tatooine...
PAN DOWN to a sliver of Tatooine, then a needle of a spaceship running away like its ass was on fire, being chased by an apple-pie wedge of an Imperial Star Destroyer, which is sending forth is needles of death and mayhem. Finally the idiots in the Star Destroyer manage to hit the fleeing ship.
2. INT REBEL SHIP -- SPACE
That golden faggot of a robot, See Threepio, is standing with that fatass Artoo Detoo in a corridor on the tiny ship.
THREEPIO
We’re fucking doomed, Artoo!
ARTOO
(whistles and beeps. SUBTITLE: Tell me something I didn’t know, faggot!)
(THUMPS and CREAKS come from above as the ship is caught in a tractor beam and pulled in. I don’t know how this works; that’s George’s problem.)
THREEPIO
There’ll be no escape for the Princess this time.
ARTOO
(whistles and beeps. SUBTITLE: I keep telling you, you shouldbe taking some Prozac, you pessimistic shit!)
(More thumping and creaking; then all hell breaks loose as these plastic-coated men jump into the REBEL SHIP and start firing at the Rebels, who are wearing funky bicycle-helmet looking headgear. None of these people can hit the broad side of the barn from 10 paces. ARTOO and THREEPIO manage to cross the corridor between shots unscathed. Nevertheless, there are more STORMTROOPERS than REBELS, and the former overwhelm the latter. Suddenly through the smoke we see a big black mofo: DARTH VADER strides in, and all the IMPERIALS bow, and all the REBELS shit their pants.)
3. INT SHIP -- SPACE
A darker, quieter corridor of the ship. THREEPIO shuffles along like he has a stick up his ass and he’s afraid of getting anal splinters.
THREEPIO
Artoo-Detoo, where the fuck are you?
He sees PRINCESS LEIA, bending over Artoo. She ducks away and Artoo comes toward THREEPIO.
THREEPIO
At last! Where have you been?
ARTOO BEEPS. SUBTITLE: I’m on a secret mission
THREEPIO:
Mission? What mission? What are you talking about.
ARTOO BEEPS. Subtitle: I can’t tell you because you’ll blather it all over the fucking place. Now are you coming with me or are you going to stay here and become spare parts for the Empire, you mindless philosopher?
THREEPIO:
Dont call me a mindless philosopher, you overweight glob of grease! Hey! Where are you going? That area’s fucking restricted! You’ll be deprogrammed for sure!
ARTOO gets into an escape pod.
THREEPIO
I’m not going in there --
GETS SHOT AT
THREEPIO
Fuck this shit, I’m going.
4 INT SHIP -- SPACE
DARTH VADER is interrogating the REBEL CAPTAIN. Some stormtroopers come to make a report.
TROOPER LEADER
The plans are not in the main memory, sir!
VADER turns to the captain.
VADER (VO by Samuel L. Jackson)
Where the fuck are those plans?
CAPTAIN gags
VADER
What planet you from?
CAPTAIN GAGS
VADER
[gagging noise] ain't no planet I ever heard of! Do they speak Basic on [gagging noise]?
CAPTAIN
*gags*
VADER
BASIC, motherfucker! Do you speak it?
CAPTAIN
This is a consular ship ... we’re on a diplomatic mission --
VADER
If this is a fucking consular ship, where is the fucking ambassador, motherfucker?
CAPTAIN
*gags some more*
VADER
*gagging noise!* Say *gagging noise* one more time! I dare you! I double dare you, motherfucker!
(VADER squeezes the man’s neck so hard you hear it popping. The CAPTAIN pees and shits on the deck as he DIES. Vader FLINGS him against the wall in disgust.
VADER
Motherfucker! That was my good cape, too! (to STORMTROOPERS) Start tearing this piece of shit ship apart until you find those fucking plans! And bring me the fucking passengers. I want them fucking ALIVE!
And this is where George woke up in a cold sweat, screaming.
STAR WARS EPISODE IV: A NEW HOPE
Story by George Lucas
Screenplay by
Screenplay by Quentin Tarantino
1. EXT -- SPACE
CRAWL:
It’s a fucked-up time in the galaxy. The Emperor wants to fuck the universe up the ass for his own personal enjoyment, but a few determined people are refusing to bend over. They are called the Rebel Alliance. The brave and young and oh-so-hot Princess Leia has stolen the plans to the Death Star, a giant spaceship that can blow planets to smithereens, and is trying to get them to the Rebel base. But the Empire is onto her and is chasing her ass down over the nothing world of Tatooine...
PAN DOWN to a sliver of Tatooine, then a needle of a spaceship running away like its ass was on fire, being chased by an apple-pie wedge of an Imperial Star Destroyer, which is sending forth is needles of death and mayhem. Finally the idiots in the Star Destroyer manage to hit the fleeing ship.
2. INT REBEL SHIP -- SPACE
That golden faggot of a robot, See Threepio, is standing with that fatass Artoo Detoo in a corridor on the tiny ship.
THREEPIO
We’re fucking doomed, Artoo!
ARTOO
(whistles and beeps. SUBTITLE: Tell me something I didn’t know, faggot!)
(THUMPS and CREAKS come from above as the ship is caught in a tractor beam and pulled in. I don’t know how this works; that’s George’s problem.)
THREEPIO
There’ll be no escape for the Princess this time.
ARTOO
(whistles and beeps. SUBTITLE: I keep telling you, you shouldbe taking some Prozac, you pessimistic shit!)
(More thumping and creaking; then all hell breaks loose as these plastic-coated men jump into the REBEL SHIP and start firing at the Rebels, who are wearing funky bicycle-helmet looking headgear. None of these people can hit the broad side of the barn from 10 paces. ARTOO and THREEPIO manage to cross the corridor between shots unscathed. Nevertheless, there are more STORMTROOPERS than REBELS, and the former overwhelm the latter. Suddenly through the smoke we see a big black mofo: DARTH VADER strides in, and all the IMPERIALS bow, and all the REBELS shit their pants.)
3. INT SHIP -- SPACE
A darker, quieter corridor of the ship. THREEPIO shuffles along like he has a stick up his ass and he’s afraid of getting anal splinters.
THREEPIO
Artoo-Detoo, where the fuck are you?
He sees PRINCESS LEIA, bending over Artoo. She ducks away and Artoo comes toward THREEPIO.
THREEPIO
At last! Where have you been?
ARTOO BEEPS. SUBTITLE: I’m on a secret mission
THREEPIO:
Mission? What mission? What are you talking about.
ARTOO BEEPS. Subtitle: I can’t tell you because you’ll blather it all over the fucking place. Now are you coming with me or are you going to stay here and become spare parts for the Empire, you mindless philosopher?
THREEPIO:
Dont call me a mindless philosopher, you overweight glob of grease! Hey! Where are you going? That area’s fucking restricted! You’ll be deprogrammed for sure!
ARTOO gets into an escape pod.
THREEPIO
I’m not going in there --
GETS SHOT AT
THREEPIO
Fuck this shit, I’m going.
4 INT SHIP -- SPACE
DARTH VADER is interrogating the REBEL CAPTAIN. Some stormtroopers come to make a report.
TROOPER LEADER
The plans are not in the main memory, sir!
VADER turns to the captain.
VADER (VO by Samuel L. Jackson)
Where the fuck are those plans?
CAPTAIN gags
VADER
What planet you from?
CAPTAIN GAGS
VADER
[gagging noise] ain't no planet I ever heard of! Do they speak Basic on [gagging noise]?
CAPTAIN
*gags*
VADER
BASIC, motherfucker! Do you speak it?
CAPTAIN
This is a consular ship ... we’re on a diplomatic mission --
VADER
If this is a fucking consular ship, where is the fucking ambassador, motherfucker?
CAPTAIN
*gags some more*
VADER
*gagging noise!* Say *gagging noise* one more time! I dare you! I double dare you, motherfucker!
(VADER squeezes the man’s neck so hard you hear it popping. The CAPTAIN pees and shits on the deck as he DIES. Vader FLINGS him against the wall in disgust.
VADER
Motherfucker! That was my good cape, too! (to STORMTROOPERS) Start tearing this piece of shit ship apart until you find those fucking plans! And bring me the fucking passengers. I want them fucking ALIVE!
And this is where George woke up in a cold sweat, screaming.