Dread is a feeling that can eat your soul alive. It’s an emotionally debilitating sense of complete unawareness and vulnerability. I can’t escape the fear of the one thing I do not know. I can’t escape the torment that is my manifested fear of my next breath, step, word. I just wait for the moment when I will know, I can only wait for the dread to become pain. And it’s the waiting that will inevitably drive me insane.
As tensions between my mother and I mount I have discovered a part of my psyche that I never really paid attention to before...not giving a shit. I honestly, spend so much time worrying about everything and everyone and whatever else. I have never really been in a situation where I have just not cared. I don’t care now. She is so mean to me that I don’t even know how to act or what to say. And I honestly do not care anymore. I just don’t care. At all.
I’ve been hanging out with Seth so much lately that I think he is starting to rub off on me. I was almost eaten by a pittbull tonight. It was the strangest thing. We were over at Seth’s friend’s house yesterday and we had been there for a good hour- hour and a half and I was standing inside at the door when the dog just all of the sudden turned and looked at me and lunged at me. Stephanie (the dog’s owner) grabbed him before he got to me and yelled at him to stop and told me to come back in and when I did, he lunged and barked at me again. Stephanie grabbed him and tried to get me to come into the room with them and when I took a step he lunged again. So I went outside. Then today, Seth and I were dropping off a lawn mower and I went in the first time and the dog was fine. I went outside for a minute with everybody and then went back in and the dog moved toward me and I said his name and he started barking and lunging at me again so I went out the door. And did not go back inside. I was shaking and hardcore freaked out. I mean after hearing the story of Seth’s pittbull attack and seeing his leg--I really was freaked out.
Anyway. Seth and I are at my house playing on the net now...it’s good. But I’m done.
Blah.
I have a feeling something bad is going to happen. If my plane crashes I want “She ruled hardcore” on my headstone.
PS: KATE WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU! EMAIL ME--UPDATE!! SOMETHING!
-later-
days till VT