Leaps of faith.
John can't sleep, not in that state. Doesn't even try. But he'll watch her sleep, for the three to four hours that she does. Smile and kiss her when she's awake.
She smiles back, kisses him back. It's easier, when she's still waking up, to pretend to be something she's not. To remember what she used to be. It doesn't last long. "Hello."
That's unfortunate. But it's also something. "Good morning. Want to go out with me today?"
"Yes. Where are we going?"
"To the mall, to get you new boots." That'll be fun, with John's issues about enclosed spaces full of people. "To the lake."
"The same boots." If only because she liked them. "Why the lake?"
"Because I want to prove something to you."
Only a slight bit of hesitance. "All right..."
"Do you trust me to take care of you?" That again.
That again. "I trust you."
"Then we'll be fine." Smile, kiss. "I'm going to take a shower, okay?"
"Okay." And she will go and make more laundry by changing clothes.
More laundry is fine. In fact, John will start said laundry after the shower. "Ready?"
"Yeah. Yes. I'm ready." Keys, wallet, phone.
John will have a moment of clarity and grab towels and changes of clothes for them both, and throw them in the trunk before they set off to the mall. Joy. Malls. Oh well, John will deal. Or he'll attempt to, at least.
She will, at least, be fairly fast in her search for boots. She knows where she got them, and they still have them.
That's good. John has no doubt that his anxiety is obvious, at least to her if no one else. Still, he doesn't want her thinking it's hre fault. "Malls are always hard for me," he says, starting the car.
"There are a lot of people that could get hurt if something happened." That's probably not it.
Nope, but John smiles anyway as they navigate the parking lot. "True. But it's the crowds, all the people jostling each other. Mild agoraphobia, maybe." No maybes about it.
"That's good to know. Thank you for telling me." Oh, Allison.
He can't help but chuckle. "I'm never sure what you mean when you say things like that." Driving!
"Right now, I mean that I'm glad you told me." Smile.
"Good. I'm glad you're glad."
Driving! "What do you want to prove to me?"
"That you won't sink, in water." Water larger than the bathtub, anyway.
She frowns at that. "But, I will sink."
"How much do you think you weigh." Let's counter crazy with not-so-crazy.
"It's not weight, it's density."
"I've carried you up stairs. I don't think you'd sink in water."
"Have you?" She frowns. "I don't remember that."
"Do you think you would let me carry you if something wasn't wrong?" Something she'd forget, has forgotten.
Hesitantly, again. "No. I don't think I would."
John glances and smiles at her. "We'll be okay."
"All right." She trusts him. Really, she trusts him.
He's glad for that and wishes that he could remember this, but... Well. They're almost at the park, anyway.
She'll be quiet now, until they are there. She really thinks, is really sure this is a bad idea. But she trusts him enough to stop her from sinking at least.
It's in his head and he couldn't let it go, so here they are. He'll put the towels and clothes in a backpack, and take her hands again. Walk backwards, just like yesterday, so she can focus on him and not on the area. "I think that immersing yourself in water is a good idea. A way to reset. Safer than the EPI pens, anyway." John will never ever like that method of resetting Allison. "But maybe not with your clothes on."
"120 seconds and the system reboots. Safer?" Again, watching to make sure he doesn't fall.
"I don't ever want you to use the EPI system, to be honest. I worry that something will go wrong." He worries that his mother will shock her to death, is what he worries.
"I'll try not to need it." She seriously doubts she can convince Sarah that she doesn't. "All right?"
"Yes." So does he. "But water you can do on your own. In the bathtub, or whatever. If you needed it."
"All right. Yes. I can do that."
"Okay." More walking. Setting the backpack down, and toeing off his shoes. "Take your shoes off for me?" Clothes, they can stay. It is not that kind of swimming event.
"Yes. I can do that." Shoes and socks come off. Clothes stay on.
"Thank you." John kisses Allison again, holding this one for a while. He's...somewhat aware of the great leap of faith this is for her. Trusting him with this. When he pulls back he starts walking towards the water, still holding on to her hands. At her side instead of in front of her.
When they get near enough to the water, walking is more difficult. Slower. Like stepping through mollasses. As if her brain or body or something doesn't want to go in the water. Which is true. She closes her eyes, hoping that will help. Wanting that to help.
John keeps pace with her. Keeps his hands with hers, until he lets go of one and puts his arm around her waist instead. "It was funny, to me, when I started at Palmdale High. I had to take Spanish, because my school record was...not real. And didn't have Spanish listed as a class I'd taken." More walking, ankle high now. "Four months into it the teacher insisted I test into AP."
She may not look like she is, but she's listening to him. And it is helping, to an extent. She squeezes his hand, holding onto him as much as he is to her. She doesn't want to do this, but she trusts him.
Handsqueezing is always a good sign, whether she realizes she does it or not. "I protested, at first, because I didn't want to stand out, you know? I liked being John, that weird quiet guy." Small laugh. Knee high. "I think I told you that I didn't want to bother with the test and you rolled your eyes at me."
"It isn't bad to be smart," she remembers saying that and says it now. Squeezing his hand again, because she can feel the water around her and she doesn't want to freak out. Panic.
John squeezes back. "Nope. And I didn't have any real argument for that, so I took it." Small laugh. "Still wasn't that hard, but, it didn't matter. I went from John, the weird quiet guy to John the weird smart quiet guy. I remember once one of the TAs asked me why we worked on math together." Slowly, the water rises and John moves in front her again, so he can keep both hands around her waist. In case she falls, in case Sarah's programming tells her to fall.
A sharp intake of breath when he moves, but she doesn't fall. Not yet. There's still time to fall, time to sink. "What did you tell them?"
"I told them that it wasn't something anyone needed to worry about." Which was possibly the wrong thing to say, in retrospect. "So next time the professor asked me to do eight problems then and there. I got the right answer but I don't think he could understand my work at all."
Another deep breath. "Were they angry?" Oh deeper water. Time to freeze up.
"Confused, mostly. We weren't doing anything wrong." When she freezes, he pauses for a moment, then keeps moving. Using the momentum and the fact tht his arms around her anyway to keep her moving, too.
She knows that simply because of the fact no one called her parents. The people she called that. It's confusing. At this point, she's pretty much going to freeze up until he stops moving.
He'll keep moving until they're about shoulder-high in the water. "You're okay, Allison." She really is.
She doesn't feel okay. It takes her much too long to say anything, obviously having to fight to speak. "I...I trust you."
"Okay. That's good. I trust you too." So. One step further into the water. "You're not going to sink." On more step.
No. Not yet. She is, however, going to fall. She doesn't want to, she really doesn't, but she does.
John catches her. Knew it was likely going to happen, anyway. Is strong enough to keep her head from going under, a strong enough swimmer to keep them both afloat if he as to.
Part of her knows that she should know how to keep afloat, that she should know how to swim. That she's swam before, before she even knew John Connor. That is not that part of her that's in control now. Right now, that part is panicking.
"You're fine." But John won't move either of them further out, not while she's panicked. "I'm here and you're fine."
"I can't...I'm not fine. I just...I don't want to sink." Trying to calm down, succeeding to an extent. Gripping hard onto him.
"You won't. You're not going to." A kiss to her forehead. "You're not going to sink, I promise."
"Okay. Okay. I trust you. Okay."
"I won't let anything happen to you. I won't let you sink."
"Okay. I trust you. I won't sink. All right." Calming.
"If you put your arms around my neck, would that help?" Slowly but surely John will feel some accomplishment in this.
"Yes. Maybe. Yes." She'll do just that.
"Good." Now he'll move them out a little further. Two feet or so. "I've always liked water better than the sand, better than the desert I grew up in. It's living." Sand? Not so much.
"The desert is dead?" It seems like a logical assumption to make. Still holding onto him, eyes still closed.
"Somewhat." Another foot. "Desert tends to be what's left. Wasteland. Water is different from that."
"Water isn't metal either. It's alive." Holding tighter now.
"So are you. More alive than Metal." That? Comes out without John really thinking about it.
"Flesh over an endoskeleton. I can't be more alive than metal."
"Do you trust me?"
"I do. I trust you."
"Then believe me. Don't worry about why."
No hesitation. Not yet. "Okay. I believe you."
"Thank you." Another foot. "How are you?"
Terrified. "I don't know. I don't want to be out here."
Yeah he figured. "Just another minute or two, okay?" And then they'll go back.
She nods. "Okay. Another minute or two."
"Can you open your eyes until then? It's okay if you say no."
"No. Can't. Sorry."
"It's okay. Don't apologize." Another foot and John will keep them afloat for a moment before moving them back to the shore. "Do you still think you're going to sink?"
"Yes. No. I don't know. I trust you." She really, really wants to get back on ground.
"Okay." That's good enough. That she still trusts him and hasn't entirely shut down. "I'm going to take us back now, okay?"
"Yes. Please. I would like that."
"I know." Kiss to her cheek. "Okay." Now they're swimming in earnest, just a few yards until the water is waist-deep or so.
She keeps her eyes shut until they are past the waist deep, once they're at knee high she can relax her grip on him.
John smiles, when her eyes open. "See? You're okay." Soaked to the bone, but okay.
"Yes. I'm okay. Thank you." Slight smile back.
"You're welcome." Back to shore. Back to the grass, and their clothes, and towels.
Back to dry clothes and towels. The sun and ground. And thankfully no people saying 'what the hell'.
Very thankfully. Half the things these two get up to would have most anyone normal saying 'what the hell'. Once Allison has changed into dry clothes John will kiss her again, as long and as hard as he can. Tomorrow he won't be able to do that again.
And she'll let him, and she'll kiss him back. Because she knows what comes tomorrow, and she knows what will happen sooner or later. "We should go home."
John smirks, happy and a little out of breath. Not exactly content, because there are a million things he would do if he could, but he can't. Not yet. "Okay. I love you. Let's go home."
She smiles back, kisses him back. It's easier, when she's still waking up, to pretend to be something she's not. To remember what she used to be. It doesn't last long. "Hello."
That's unfortunate. But it's also something. "Good morning. Want to go out with me today?"
"Yes. Where are we going?"
"To the mall, to get you new boots." That'll be fun, with John's issues about enclosed spaces full of people. "To the lake."
"The same boots." If only because she liked them. "Why the lake?"
"Because I want to prove something to you."
Only a slight bit of hesitance. "All right..."
"Do you trust me to take care of you?" That again.
That again. "I trust you."
"Then we'll be fine." Smile, kiss. "I'm going to take a shower, okay?"
"Okay." And she will go and make more laundry by changing clothes.
More laundry is fine. In fact, John will start said laundry after the shower. "Ready?"
"Yeah. Yes. I'm ready." Keys, wallet, phone.
John will have a moment of clarity and grab towels and changes of clothes for them both, and throw them in the trunk before they set off to the mall. Joy. Malls. Oh well, John will deal. Or he'll attempt to, at least.
She will, at least, be fairly fast in her search for boots. She knows where she got them, and they still have them.
That's good. John has no doubt that his anxiety is obvious, at least to her if no one else. Still, he doesn't want her thinking it's hre fault. "Malls are always hard for me," he says, starting the car.
"There are a lot of people that could get hurt if something happened." That's probably not it.
Nope, but John smiles anyway as they navigate the parking lot. "True. But it's the crowds, all the people jostling each other. Mild agoraphobia, maybe." No maybes about it.
"That's good to know. Thank you for telling me." Oh, Allison.
He can't help but chuckle. "I'm never sure what you mean when you say things like that." Driving!
"Right now, I mean that I'm glad you told me." Smile.
"Good. I'm glad you're glad."
Driving! "What do you want to prove to me?"
"That you won't sink, in water." Water larger than the bathtub, anyway.
She frowns at that. "But, I will sink."
"How much do you think you weigh." Let's counter crazy with not-so-crazy.
"It's not weight, it's density."
"I've carried you up stairs. I don't think you'd sink in water."
"Have you?" She frowns. "I don't remember that."
"Do you think you would let me carry you if something wasn't wrong?" Something she'd forget, has forgotten.
Hesitantly, again. "No. I don't think I would."
John glances and smiles at her. "We'll be okay."
"All right." She trusts him. Really, she trusts him.
He's glad for that and wishes that he could remember this, but... Well. They're almost at the park, anyway.
She'll be quiet now, until they are there. She really thinks, is really sure this is a bad idea. But she trusts him enough to stop her from sinking at least.
It's in his head and he couldn't let it go, so here they are. He'll put the towels and clothes in a backpack, and take her hands again. Walk backwards, just like yesterday, so she can focus on him and not on the area. "I think that immersing yourself in water is a good idea. A way to reset. Safer than the EPI pens, anyway." John will never ever like that method of resetting Allison. "But maybe not with your clothes on."
"120 seconds and the system reboots. Safer?" Again, watching to make sure he doesn't fall.
"I don't ever want you to use the EPI system, to be honest. I worry that something will go wrong." He worries that his mother will shock her to death, is what he worries.
"I'll try not to need it." She seriously doubts she can convince Sarah that she doesn't. "All right?"
"Yes." So does he. "But water you can do on your own. In the bathtub, or whatever. If you needed it."
"All right. Yes. I can do that."
"Okay." More walking. Setting the backpack down, and toeing off his shoes. "Take your shoes off for me?" Clothes, they can stay. It is not that kind of swimming event.
"Yes. I can do that." Shoes and socks come off. Clothes stay on.
"Thank you." John kisses Allison again, holding this one for a while. He's...somewhat aware of the great leap of faith this is for her. Trusting him with this. When he pulls back he starts walking towards the water, still holding on to her hands. At her side instead of in front of her.
When they get near enough to the water, walking is more difficult. Slower. Like stepping through mollasses. As if her brain or body or something doesn't want to go in the water. Which is true. She closes her eyes, hoping that will help. Wanting that to help.
John keeps pace with her. Keeps his hands with hers, until he lets go of one and puts his arm around her waist instead. "It was funny, to me, when I started at Palmdale High. I had to take Spanish, because my school record was...not real. And didn't have Spanish listed as a class I'd taken." More walking, ankle high now. "Four months into it the teacher insisted I test into AP."
She may not look like she is, but she's listening to him. And it is helping, to an extent. She squeezes his hand, holding onto him as much as he is to her. She doesn't want to do this, but she trusts him.
Handsqueezing is always a good sign, whether she realizes she does it or not. "I protested, at first, because I didn't want to stand out, you know? I liked being John, that weird quiet guy." Small laugh. Knee high. "I think I told you that I didn't want to bother with the test and you rolled your eyes at me."
"It isn't bad to be smart," she remembers saying that and says it now. Squeezing his hand again, because she can feel the water around her and she doesn't want to freak out. Panic.
John squeezes back. "Nope. And I didn't have any real argument for that, so I took it." Small laugh. "Still wasn't that hard, but, it didn't matter. I went from John, the weird quiet guy to John the weird smart quiet guy. I remember once one of the TAs asked me why we worked on math together." Slowly, the water rises and John moves in front her again, so he can keep both hands around her waist. In case she falls, in case Sarah's programming tells her to fall.
A sharp intake of breath when he moves, but she doesn't fall. Not yet. There's still time to fall, time to sink. "What did you tell them?"
"I told them that it wasn't something anyone needed to worry about." Which was possibly the wrong thing to say, in retrospect. "So next time the professor asked me to do eight problems then and there. I got the right answer but I don't think he could understand my work at all."
Another deep breath. "Were they angry?" Oh deeper water. Time to freeze up.
"Confused, mostly. We weren't doing anything wrong." When she freezes, he pauses for a moment, then keeps moving. Using the momentum and the fact tht his arms around her anyway to keep her moving, too.
She knows that simply because of the fact no one called her parents. The people she called that. It's confusing. At this point, she's pretty much going to freeze up until he stops moving.
He'll keep moving until they're about shoulder-high in the water. "You're okay, Allison." She really is.
She doesn't feel okay. It takes her much too long to say anything, obviously having to fight to speak. "I...I trust you."
"Okay. That's good. I trust you too." So. One step further into the water. "You're not going to sink." On more step.
No. Not yet. She is, however, going to fall. She doesn't want to, she really doesn't, but she does.
John catches her. Knew it was likely going to happen, anyway. Is strong enough to keep her head from going under, a strong enough swimmer to keep them both afloat if he as to.
Part of her knows that she should know how to keep afloat, that she should know how to swim. That she's swam before, before she even knew John Connor. That is not that part of her that's in control now. Right now, that part is panicking.
"You're fine." But John won't move either of them further out, not while she's panicked. "I'm here and you're fine."
"I can't...I'm not fine. I just...I don't want to sink." Trying to calm down, succeeding to an extent. Gripping hard onto him.
"You won't. You're not going to." A kiss to her forehead. "You're not going to sink, I promise."
"Okay. Okay. I trust you. Okay."
"I won't let anything happen to you. I won't let you sink."
"Okay. I trust you. I won't sink. All right." Calming.
"If you put your arms around my neck, would that help?" Slowly but surely John will feel some accomplishment in this.
"Yes. Maybe. Yes." She'll do just that.
"Good." Now he'll move them out a little further. Two feet or so. "I've always liked water better than the sand, better than the desert I grew up in. It's living." Sand? Not so much.
"The desert is dead?" It seems like a logical assumption to make. Still holding onto him, eyes still closed.
"Somewhat." Another foot. "Desert tends to be what's left. Wasteland. Water is different from that."
"Water isn't metal either. It's alive." Holding tighter now.
"So are you. More alive than Metal." That? Comes out without John really thinking about it.
"Flesh over an endoskeleton. I can't be more alive than metal."
"Do you trust me?"
"I do. I trust you."
"Then believe me. Don't worry about why."
No hesitation. Not yet. "Okay. I believe you."
"Thank you." Another foot. "How are you?"
Terrified. "I don't know. I don't want to be out here."
Yeah he figured. "Just another minute or two, okay?" And then they'll go back.
She nods. "Okay. Another minute or two."
"Can you open your eyes until then? It's okay if you say no."
"No. Can't. Sorry."
"It's okay. Don't apologize." Another foot and John will keep them afloat for a moment before moving them back to the shore. "Do you still think you're going to sink?"
"Yes. No. I don't know. I trust you." She really, really wants to get back on ground.
"Okay." That's good enough. That she still trusts him and hasn't entirely shut down. "I'm going to take us back now, okay?"
"Yes. Please. I would like that."
"I know." Kiss to her cheek. "Okay." Now they're swimming in earnest, just a few yards until the water is waist-deep or so.
She keeps her eyes shut until they are past the waist deep, once they're at knee high she can relax her grip on him.
John smiles, when her eyes open. "See? You're okay." Soaked to the bone, but okay.
"Yes. I'm okay. Thank you." Slight smile back.
"You're welcome." Back to shore. Back to the grass, and their clothes, and towels.
Back to dry clothes and towels. The sun and ground. And thankfully no people saying 'what the hell'.
Very thankfully. Half the things these two get up to would have most anyone normal saying 'what the hell'. Once Allison has changed into dry clothes John will kiss her again, as long and as hard as he can. Tomorrow he won't be able to do that again.
And she'll let him, and she'll kiss him back. Because she knows what comes tomorrow, and she knows what will happen sooner or later. "We should go home."
John smirks, happy and a little out of breath. Not exactly content, because there are a million things he would do if he could, but he can't. Not yet. "Okay. I love you. Let's go home."