Idiocy
I feel like a complete and utter moronic idiot right now. There was an episode in my life a few weeks back where I was asked out by a guy that I'm not interested or attracted to, even though he wasn't bad looking. I handled it badly as I am not in the habit of being hit on especially in my place of work. In my befuddled state I communicated to a friend that I was going to use him as a pretend boyfriend to get out of the situation. Then later I wrote again explaining the whole thing, somewhat badly I might add, and basically put my big foot in my mouth. I should have just said a polite no to the poor guy in the first place or at least just not said a blessed thing to my friend. I think that I might have insulted, pissed off, freaked out, or all three a very dear friend because I don't have many interpersonal skills, or the ability to say no. I don't know what my friend's opinion of me is in the first place but it is probably pretty low at this point b/c I've heard nary a peep out of him. I feel like such a dumbass right now. I probably wouldn't feel so shitty if I didn't care for him as much as I do. He's one of the greatest men I know and if I let myself I would fall in love with him. Shear force of will keeps me from it b/c I don't want to jeopardize the relationship that I already have with him for some stupid fantasy on my part. All I know for certain is that being in his presence is like coming home after a long journey. I'm completely comfortable, I don't have to pretend I'm someone I'm not, and at that moment I am perfectly content and happy. Well, hopefully he will forget the whole episode by the next time he comes to town to visit and everything will be fine between us. Why is life so sadistic and complicated sometimes?