(no subject)
So. I think I've thought about this enough that it's pretty clear and won't take too long to put into words, but it's necessary to document the shift in Sera's relationship with Heat and... possibly life in general prompted by this thread, so!
The basic premise for Sera's character that I started playing her with two weeks ago was that a lot of her strength and motivation comes from guilt. She feels absolutely horrible about stuff she's been responsible for, partly responsible for, or just in the vicinity of in canon! We see that after she gets her Atma she's willing to start fighting back at last, but this... was not a sign of her feeling absolved in any way - blaming yourself for everything that's ever gone wrong and thus giving yourself the illusion of control is a very seductive thing if your life has been constructed specifically to give you great power and yet almost no responsibility for your actions. Sera's been emotionally abused and consistently manipulated for most of her life, so in reality a lot of what she's done hasn't been her fault in a way any sane person would lay blame, but the loss of control and complete victimhood this view implies is much more unbearable for her than the alternative. Therefore, EVERYTHING IS SERA'S FAULT. DIRECTLY. And while this causes her to freeze up and thus give herself more things to blame on herself in quite a few instances, we also see it developing slowly into something else as early as the first game's ending, when she tries to bargain with Angel for the AIs' lives. By the I'M SORRY GUYS I AM GOING TO FIGHT WITH YOU part of the second game, she's... used the guilt to lever herself into a resolute, combatative frame of mind, which would not have happened if she didn't feel so personally responsible. Blaming everything on herself and thus giving herself the responsibility to make it all right again is her impetus to action, part of what makes her such a strong character, and a remarkably robust value system by which she can judge her actions. In a way, deliberately reinterpreting her own reaction to her guilt is what sets her free from being a pawn and makes her a player, and considering her background, it was a remarkable act. This is why Sera is so very ZEN about the fact that everything is clearly her fault, even if it hurts her to think that way - it's also basically what keeps her going. It's her coping strategy, and it works.
NO ONE IN THE ENTIRE WORLD WHO LIKES SERA APPROVES OF THIS STRATEGY. SHE WAS UNDAUNTED BY THIS UP UNTIL NOW.
Heat confronting her about it was... weird, on several counts.
WEIRD THING ONE: There's a lot of precedent for her being physically intimidated by Heat, but her guilt complex includes no one being allowed to be guilty about stuff but her, so she felt like she needed to stay there even when he grabbed her and she really wanted to make a break for it... because she had to make him understand that what she did was totally worse and he shouldn't feel bad for his stuff! That wouldn't have happened in basically any other circumstances, and it couldn't have happened in canon, because the thing that pushed her to try to make him stop being guilty in camp was her own guilt over his death and it NEVER CAME UP AFTER THAT IN THE GAME SOMEHOW. Which means that their relationship is moving from her being chary of him for gut instinct reasons and more for emotional reasons, which brings us to
WEIRD THING TWO: Heat does not have a lot of precedent for being able to emotionally push her around, aside from the aforementioned physical intimidation. He was both too close to her as one of her original AIs and too far away as someone she was scared of at some level. The people who could give themselves enough distinction to really change how she looked at things in canon were Serph and Gale, and that was for specific reasons (Serph was demonstrably different from her original vision of him and she was in love with him anyway, Gale wasn't even IN the protoEmbryon and was analytical enough that you pretty much had to consider what he said, as well as being her acting mentor when Serph was gone). Heat... was someone she pitied with ideas she disagreed with, as well as being scary. He had about no chance of affecting her outlook in canon. But he DOES push her here, and it's her fault because she specifically made her experiences analagous with his in order to try to make him feel better. This gives him a handle on her, and she can't just dismiss what he says if it doesn't fit in with what she's already decided. SOMETHING HAS CHANGED.
WEIRD THING THREE: This is partly because of her own preconceptions of Heat, but none of the stuff he's done here (or even with a lot of the stuff they've done/discussed in camp besides his stalking her, which is normal) is anything she'd expect out of him at all. She's always been pretty certain of Heat's motivations and logic in her own mind, but while she still THINKS she knows his motivations, she's been surprised by him so often in a short time that she has NO IDEA WHAT'S GOING ON WITH THAT and is kind of scared now in a TOTALLY DIFFERENT WAY than she's ever been scared of Heat before. This whole exchange has been an EXTREME continuation of that trend and it's just culminated in being very unsettling indeed. She doesn't blame HEAT for this, but... yeah!
Wow, I kind of lost whatever point I was going for with those, but tl;dr STUFF HAS CHANGED and Sera is going to avoid Heat like the plague until she works through it a little more in her own mind. She can't NOT think about what he said after all this - she promised to try to stop blaming herself for things, and promises are promises and a broken one just one more thing to be guilty for - but I have honestly no idea how she's going to keep her resolve in the face of trying to deliberately break down her own system. I don't know whether this will be healthier than the previous unhealthy but stable thing or not. She really needs someone to cry on who won't go kill Heat if she talks about what happened right now and isn't in Embryon; it's unlikely to happen, since she'd have to explain the whole situation back on her world and what precisely she blames herself for and she hates the memories enough not to want to or do so willingly, but it'd help.
I CAN'T THINK OF ANYTHING ELSE TO SAY BOTH THIS ESSAY AND HER TIME IN CAMP HAVE TURNED OUT VERY STRANGELY
Questions/comments/concerns/your justifications for the weird are ooc and I hate you/offers of ice cream?
/failessay
IMPORTANT EDIT: so I just realized that Sera told Kharg her life story because she realizes on some level that he naturally mistrusts Deimos and will help her confirm her low opinion of herself. and that's comforting EVEN THOUGH SHE KNOWS TO TAKE HIM WITH A GRAIN OF SALT.
it's COMFORTING
god, Sera
just
what
The basic premise for Sera's character that I started playing her with two weeks ago was that a lot of her strength and motivation comes from guilt. She feels absolutely horrible about stuff she's been responsible for, partly responsible for, or just in the vicinity of in canon! We see that after she gets her Atma she's willing to start fighting back at last, but this... was not a sign of her feeling absolved in any way - blaming yourself for everything that's ever gone wrong and thus giving yourself the illusion of control is a very seductive thing if your life has been constructed specifically to give you great power and yet almost no responsibility for your actions. Sera's been emotionally abused and consistently manipulated for most of her life, so in reality a lot of what she's done hasn't been her fault in a way any sane person would lay blame, but the loss of control and complete victimhood this view implies is much more unbearable for her than the alternative. Therefore, EVERYTHING IS SERA'S FAULT. DIRECTLY. And while this causes her to freeze up and thus give herself more things to blame on herself in quite a few instances, we also see it developing slowly into something else as early as the first game's ending, when she tries to bargain with Angel for the AIs' lives. By the I'M SORRY GUYS I AM GOING TO FIGHT WITH YOU part of the second game, she's... used the guilt to lever herself into a resolute, combatative frame of mind, which would not have happened if she didn't feel so personally responsible. Blaming everything on herself and thus giving herself the responsibility to make it all right again is her impetus to action, part of what makes her such a strong character, and a remarkably robust value system by which she can judge her actions. In a way, deliberately reinterpreting her own reaction to her guilt is what sets her free from being a pawn and makes her a player, and considering her background, it was a remarkable act. This is why Sera is so very ZEN about the fact that everything is clearly her fault, even if it hurts her to think that way - it's also basically what keeps her going. It's her coping strategy, and it works.
NO ONE IN THE ENTIRE WORLD WHO LIKES SERA APPROVES OF THIS STRATEGY. SHE WAS UNDAUNTED BY THIS UP UNTIL NOW.
Heat confronting her about it was... weird, on several counts.
WEIRD THING ONE: There's a lot of precedent for her being physically intimidated by Heat, but her guilt complex includes no one being allowed to be guilty about stuff but her, so she felt like she needed to stay there even when he grabbed her and she really wanted to make a break for it... because she had to make him understand that what she did was totally worse and he shouldn't feel bad for his stuff! That wouldn't have happened in basically any other circumstances, and it couldn't have happened in canon, because the thing that pushed her to try to make him stop being guilty in camp was her own guilt over his death and it NEVER CAME UP AFTER THAT IN THE GAME SOMEHOW. Which means that their relationship is moving from her being chary of him for gut instinct reasons and more for emotional reasons, which brings us to
WEIRD THING TWO: Heat does not have a lot of precedent for being able to emotionally push her around, aside from the aforementioned physical intimidation. He was both too close to her as one of her original AIs and too far away as someone she was scared of at some level. The people who could give themselves enough distinction to really change how she looked at things in canon were Serph and Gale, and that was for specific reasons (Serph was demonstrably different from her original vision of him and she was in love with him anyway, Gale wasn't even IN the protoEmbryon and was analytical enough that you pretty much had to consider what he said, as well as being her acting mentor when Serph was gone). Heat... was someone she pitied with ideas she disagreed with, as well as being scary. He had about no chance of affecting her outlook in canon. But he DOES push her here, and it's her fault because she specifically made her experiences analagous with his in order to try to make him feel better. This gives him a handle on her, and she can't just dismiss what he says if it doesn't fit in with what she's already decided. SOMETHING HAS CHANGED.
WEIRD THING THREE: This is partly because of her own preconceptions of Heat, but none of the stuff he's done here (or even with a lot of the stuff they've done/discussed in camp besides his stalking her, which is normal) is anything she'd expect out of him at all. She's always been pretty certain of Heat's motivations and logic in her own mind, but while she still THINKS she knows his motivations, she's been surprised by him so often in a short time that she has NO IDEA WHAT'S GOING ON WITH THAT and is kind of scared now in a TOTALLY DIFFERENT WAY than she's ever been scared of Heat before. This whole exchange has been an EXTREME continuation of that trend and it's just culminated in being very unsettling indeed. She doesn't blame HEAT for this, but... yeah!
Wow, I kind of lost whatever point I was going for with those, but tl;dr STUFF HAS CHANGED and Sera is going to avoid Heat like the plague until she works through it a little more in her own mind. She can't NOT think about what he said after all this - she promised to try to stop blaming herself for things, and promises are promises and a broken one just one more thing to be guilty for - but I have honestly no idea how she's going to keep her resolve in the face of trying to deliberately break down her own system. I don't know whether this will be healthier than the previous unhealthy but stable thing or not. She really needs someone to cry on who won't go kill Heat if she talks about what happened right now and isn't in Embryon; it's unlikely to happen, since she'd have to explain the whole situation back on her world and what precisely she blames herself for and she hates the memories enough not to want to or do so willingly, but it'd help.
I CAN'T THINK OF ANYTHING ELSE TO SAY BOTH THIS ESSAY AND HER TIME IN CAMP HAVE TURNED OUT VERY STRANGELY
Questions/comments/concerns/your justifications for the weird are ooc and I hate you/offers of ice cream?
/failessay
IMPORTANT EDIT: so I just realized that Sera told Kharg her life story because she realizes on some level that he naturally mistrusts Deimos and will help her confirm her low opinion of herself. and that's comforting EVEN THOUGH SHE KNOWS TO TAKE HIM WITH A GRAIN OF SALT.
it's COMFORTING
god, Sera
just
what