Transdimensional Duffy
Childhood Saturday mornings went from daybreak fishing on ESPN to near-noon Land of the Lost on ABC. I'm surprised that permanent buttprints weren't planted before the tube. Yet in spite (or, perhaps, to spite) the miraculous resilience of my carpet, LotL managed to weasel in another impression: a dent in my head.
Every week the show was obliged to sum up its premise with a thirty second song and dance:
Once warped back in time, the father (who I remember looking remarkably like Patrick Duffy) sets up camp and reveals the true, Swiss Family Robinson-like nature of the show. And somewhere, deep down in my stickier parts of my 9 year old psyche, the onscreen plight struck a nerve.
And though I was only partially aware of my reaction, I began to periodically assess my on-person belongings. If I was ever going to be slung into an alternate universe, I was going to be slung-prepared. The inner survivalist would half-think of the hidden potential in a ballpoint pen until my more grounded, sober self awoke and chastised such half-thought silliness. Still, defiant in the face of self-scolding, the survivalist was ready, even eager, for the day I'd find my portal.
I'm afraid that day has come. Ushered in not with the hoped-for adventure of my childish imagination, but by dialing down the center and Alf and Emmitt Smith.
What else but an alternate universe could explain the airtime Carrot Top receives? I suspect that scientists have managed to transport a camera into some evil realm ruled by the maniacal and phone-mad Redhead. The half-a-minute blurbs are live feed direct from his slapstick hell. Seeing these snippets reassures the public of our comparative sanity and bolsters support for President Bush's Dimensional Defense Shield.
That makes more sense than a multitude of marketing doofuses hellbent on boring their way through our skulls, right?
Every week the show was obliged to sum up its premise with a thirty second song and dance:
- Family cruises happily through desert in Land Rover
- Sudden earthquake causes unexpected ruckus
- Land Rover tumbles down freshly opened gorge
- Family drives through subterranean portal into prehistoric past
Once warped back in time, the father (who I remember looking remarkably like Patrick Duffy) sets up camp and reveals the true, Swiss Family Robinson-like nature of the show. And somewhere, deep down in my stickier parts of my 9 year old psyche, the onscreen plight struck a nerve.
And though I was only partially aware of my reaction, I began to periodically assess my on-person belongings. If I was ever going to be slung into an alternate universe, I was going to be slung-prepared. The inner survivalist would half-think of the hidden potential in a ballpoint pen until my more grounded, sober self awoke and chastised such half-thought silliness. Still, defiant in the face of self-scolding, the survivalist was ready, even eager, for the day I'd find my portal.
I'm afraid that day has come. Ushered in not with the hoped-for adventure of my childish imagination, but by dialing down the center and Alf and Emmitt Smith.
What else but an alternate universe could explain the airtime Carrot Top receives? I suspect that scientists have managed to transport a camera into some evil realm ruled by the maniacal and phone-mad Redhead. The half-a-minute blurbs are live feed direct from his slapstick hell. Seeing these snippets reassures the public of our comparative sanity and bolsters support for President Bush's Dimensional Defense Shield.
That makes more sense than a multitude of marketing doofuses hellbent on boring their way through our skulls, right?