I have the best friends.
firstcar89: I'm sorry to hear about your uncle, my grandma just passed a few weeks ago, it sucks, but they way I see it is that we'd be lucky to make it to that age and experience the things they have
firstcar89: if you need someone to talk to, my inbox is always open, and the cell's always on:-)
firstcar89: oh...and as far as your sisters asshole boyfriend, give me his address and it'll be taken care of ;-)
firstcar89: us Petes watch out for our own!
the past few days have been way too emotional for me. I can usually keep myself composed in situations like this, but for some reason I was really hit hard with this one.
I feel like an asshole, because I'm not crying because Uncle Harold passed away. I know he's better off. he's not suffering now, he stayed here as long as he could for my aunt. he lived a good life, and he went without suffering. 96 years is a long time, and I'm sure he was still cracking jokes to himself about Aunt Gert when she was in the other room right up until he passed. he was quiet, but when he spoke up he was a live one! of course I'm sad that he's gone, I wouldn't be human if I wasn't. but it was his time, and I'm okay with that.
thinking about Uncle Harold and Aunt Gert's marriage has me questioning a lot of things. and I worry that I'm never going to have that. I've always thought that I am the person who I want to be.. but these past few days have me questioning that. I don't think I'm happy with myself anymore. and that's hard to accept. I don't like change. big headed so sure of herself Ashley is feeling like a lost puppy with no direction. I've been staring at my tattoos as if Grandpa is just going to appear and tell me what to do with myself. and he's not appearing. and I'm getting no hints from any direction. I'm an emotional mess, crying when I listen to a song I hear on a daily basis that never made me cry before. crying when I think about what shitbag David said about my mother knowing that Stayce just swallowed it and didn't stand up to him, stand up for mom. not that she didn't want to stand up for mom, but that she couldn't because of what it would do to her own family. crying when I think about how sad Tonya's life is, and what that does to Darren. crying when I think about how Kristin and Maya will never have a real male figure in their future. crying when I think about how lonely Grandma is. crying when I think about how Aunt Judy has dealt with Cheryl sleeping with her husband and acted as if it never happened, because that scumbag is the only fucking thing she has. crying when I think about Aunt Gail and Uncle Dan's situation. crying when I think about Mat, which reminds me of Cody, which makes me cry even more, not just because he's not with us today but because Cody's condition wasn't as bad, and I feel guilty for not having higher hopes. crying when I think about how Ali has no relationship with her sister because they're both too proud to eat it and move on. crying when I think about happy things too, like Brandy and Matt. crying at the reveal of every friggin design show I watch. crying when I think about my parents and how much they've been through over the years with us girls.
and people have wondered why I haven't been so talkative the past few days. every time I open my mouth I feel the tears start to well up. I managed to go to Adriane's for a few hours the other night with Jimbob and keep my composure. I managed to go out with Mandi to The Stanley tonight and keep my composure. but other than that, it's been hard. Jimbob came over last night and cuddled, and I fell asleep with my head on his chest crying. I don't even know why I was crying then, I didn't have a reason to. but I couldn't stop.
I'm excited to go sit by the stove. I miss the wood heat.
this weekend can't come soon enough. Spitalfield, Punchline, Valencia, and a mini road trip with Meagan. Jersey on Saturday, Connecticut on Sunday, sleeping in my car.. we're going to fucking freeze. but it'll be worth it. and for another good thought before I head to my parents, my hawk looks fucking sick today.
firstcar89: if you need someone to talk to, my inbox is always open, and the cell's always on:-)
firstcar89: oh...and as far as your sisters asshole boyfriend, give me his address and it'll be taken care of ;-)
firstcar89: us Petes watch out for our own!
the past few days have been way too emotional for me. I can usually keep myself composed in situations like this, but for some reason I was really hit hard with this one.
I feel like an asshole, because I'm not crying because Uncle Harold passed away. I know he's better off. he's not suffering now, he stayed here as long as he could for my aunt. he lived a good life, and he went without suffering. 96 years is a long time, and I'm sure he was still cracking jokes to himself about Aunt Gert when she was in the other room right up until he passed. he was quiet, but when he spoke up he was a live one! of course I'm sad that he's gone, I wouldn't be human if I wasn't. but it was his time, and I'm okay with that.
thinking about Uncle Harold and Aunt Gert's marriage has me questioning a lot of things. and I worry that I'm never going to have that. I've always thought that I am the person who I want to be.. but these past few days have me questioning that. I don't think I'm happy with myself anymore. and that's hard to accept. I don't like change. big headed so sure of herself Ashley is feeling like a lost puppy with no direction. I've been staring at my tattoos as if Grandpa is just going to appear and tell me what to do with myself. and he's not appearing. and I'm getting no hints from any direction. I'm an emotional mess, crying when I listen to a song I hear on a daily basis that never made me cry before. crying when I think about what shitbag David said about my mother knowing that Stayce just swallowed it and didn't stand up to him, stand up for mom. not that she didn't want to stand up for mom, but that she couldn't because of what it would do to her own family. crying when I think about how sad Tonya's life is, and what that does to Darren. crying when I think about how Kristin and Maya will never have a real male figure in their future. crying when I think about how lonely Grandma is. crying when I think about how Aunt Judy has dealt with Cheryl sleeping with her husband and acted as if it never happened, because that scumbag is the only fucking thing she has. crying when I think about Aunt Gail and Uncle Dan's situation. crying when I think about Mat, which reminds me of Cody, which makes me cry even more, not just because he's not with us today but because Cody's condition wasn't as bad, and I feel guilty for not having higher hopes. crying when I think about how Ali has no relationship with her sister because they're both too proud to eat it and move on. crying when I think about happy things too, like Brandy and Matt. crying at the reveal of every friggin design show I watch. crying when I think about my parents and how much they've been through over the years with us girls.
and people have wondered why I haven't been so talkative the past few days. every time I open my mouth I feel the tears start to well up. I managed to go to Adriane's for a few hours the other night with Jimbob and keep my composure. I managed to go out with Mandi to The Stanley tonight and keep my composure. but other than that, it's been hard. Jimbob came over last night and cuddled, and I fell asleep with my head on his chest crying. I don't even know why I was crying then, I didn't have a reason to. but I couldn't stop.
I'm excited to go sit by the stove. I miss the wood heat.
this weekend can't come soon enough. Spitalfield, Punchline, Valencia, and a mini road trip with Meagan. Jersey on Saturday, Connecticut on Sunday, sleeping in my car.. we're going to fucking freeze. but it'll be worth it. and for another good thought before I head to my parents, my hawk looks fucking sick today.