Friday 21st November
Today was a big day and whilst there is some relief, there is part of me that feels the loss of control for things future. Unknown with a capital gigantic "U".
Also someone's words were running around my head intermittently about how I would be let down and to watch my back. I don't want those words to be echoing in my mind but they are and I do feel it just because I could have done with friend hugs today. It takes a lot of effort for me to open up and trust people and I understand completely their needs at the moment but currently because of the prospect of people letting me down, my automatic reaction is to hit self defence mechanism mode. The problem being that when other people are ready to come bouncing back all smiley and ready to be face to face, I'm going to be very wary and have to build everything back up from stratch again.
I'm glad tonight that I didn't allow some friends to stay over as I know I wouldn't have faced it this evening. I'm already worried about the plans I've made for tomorrow with them as well as in a couple of weeks time. Expectations and all that. As a passable distraction to everything this evening, I do seem to have someone wooing me via a website. I seem fine chatting to strangers at the moment.
Oh and what is it with housing associations sending technicians out to fix things and making assumptions you are in all day? This is the second time this week I've had a note through the door saying I've not been here. I'm sorry but I did ask you to call beforehand as some of us do work you know! I've already got Monday morning off waiting for a plumber for the radiator in my bedroom - it's icy cold !
Also someone's words were running around my head intermittently about how I would be let down and to watch my back. I don't want those words to be echoing in my mind but they are and I do feel it just because I could have done with friend hugs today. It takes a lot of effort for me to open up and trust people and I understand completely their needs at the moment but currently because of the prospect of people letting me down, my automatic reaction is to hit self defence mechanism mode. The problem being that when other people are ready to come bouncing back all smiley and ready to be face to face, I'm going to be very wary and have to build everything back up from stratch again.
I'm glad tonight that I didn't allow some friends to stay over as I know I wouldn't have faced it this evening. I'm already worried about the plans I've made for tomorrow with them as well as in a couple of weeks time. Expectations and all that. As a passable distraction to everything this evening, I do seem to have someone wooing me via a website. I seem fine chatting to strangers at the moment.
Oh and what is it with housing associations sending technicians out to fix things and making assumptions you are in all day? This is the second time this week I've had a note through the door saying I've not been here. I'm sorry but I did ask you to call beforehand as some of us do work you know! I've already got Monday morning off waiting for a plumber for the radiator in my bedroom - it's icy cold !