(no subject)
Why is it that the harder I try to make each Christmas better than the last, they subsequently seem to get worse or plateau? Maybe if I stop trying Christmas will become something I enjoy more than I do now. I feel so whiny saying that Christmas seems to suck for me and it is because I do not have parents who care. I want to FORGET that I have parents. I WISH I COULD STOP TALKING ABOUT THEM. They're marked down in history, not the present...Why can't I leave it there? Then people end up just feeling sorry for me because I talk about my pathetic parents. How much is it going to take to make me realize that every time I open my mouth I am just going to gain sympathy? I HATE SYMPATHY, but I bring it on myself. Someone PLEASE teach me how to shut the hell up. I talk too much. Maybe I am being too hard on myself, but it makes me feel like a grimy sleaze when people offer sympathy. I want parents who care and I cannot seem to give up on the fact that it is NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN. I know there are people in this world who care about me but it is not the same. Nobody can replace the fact that I will never know what it is like to have my mother or father's love and to enjoy family gatherings. As it is, I go and seem excited, but my mother's family always wants to talk about the past (and I am no help because once you get me started it is a domino effect). I missed my aunt and uncle so much this Christmas. I feel more at ease with them than anyone because they have been the closest thing to parents as I can get.
Why is it that whenever I type a lot it is all negative? There are many wonderful things in my life but I never sit here and tell people everything that is great. People thrive on other people's pain. We have gotten used to exposing to people our hurt and frustrations so as to elevate themselves. If we talk about the good things and keep the negativity to ourselves we are boastful and conceited. I am trying to think of a proper arrangement here. Mix of good and bad? That is life, sure, but it is a roller coaster, ups and downs. I know that I would like for nobody to ask me any questions about my personal life. Once someone asks one question I erupt like a volcano. Information just piles out of me. I HATE THAT ABOUT MYSELF. I hate that I cannot keep my mouth shut and learn the proper time to say things. I have so much hurt that I need to deal with. I am going through so much that all I can think of right now are the negative things in my life and ignore the wonderful things I see. Right now it is like I am using my past as a cover-up....I know I am using it to cover up the pain that is really going on inside of me that I cannot dare tell anyone. If I tell a soul then I will have to deal with all of my pain right now, right when it is culminating into a huge problem. When I was dealing with my parents it was not my fault, but this problem now is my own and accepting failure and learning to deal with mistakes is harder than dealing with people who have betrayed me. I cannot even begin to imagine how I even got myself into a grand mess, but I guess that is life. You dig yourself into one mess and right into another.
Happy Holidays. I truly hope everyone is merry happy.
Why is it that whenever I type a lot it is all negative? There are many wonderful things in my life but I never sit here and tell people everything that is great. People thrive on other people's pain. We have gotten used to exposing to people our hurt and frustrations so as to elevate themselves. If we talk about the good things and keep the negativity to ourselves we are boastful and conceited. I am trying to think of a proper arrangement here. Mix of good and bad? That is life, sure, but it is a roller coaster, ups and downs. I know that I would like for nobody to ask me any questions about my personal life. Once someone asks one question I erupt like a volcano. Information just piles out of me. I HATE THAT ABOUT MYSELF. I hate that I cannot keep my mouth shut and learn the proper time to say things. I have so much hurt that I need to deal with. I am going through so much that all I can think of right now are the negative things in my life and ignore the wonderful things I see. Right now it is like I am using my past as a cover-up....I know I am using it to cover up the pain that is really going on inside of me that I cannot dare tell anyone. If I tell a soul then I will have to deal with all of my pain right now, right when it is culminating into a huge problem. When I was dealing with my parents it was not my fault, but this problem now is my own and accepting failure and learning to deal with mistakes is harder than dealing with people who have betrayed me. I cannot even begin to imagine how I even got myself into a grand mess, but I guess that is life. You dig yourself into one mess and right into another.
Happy Holidays. I truly hope everyone is merry happy.