(no subject)
I have been full of negative emotions today. I've come to realize . . . A bird just pooped on my laptop. Awesome. I've retreated inside away from the birds. I think it is just one of those days. Anyways, I've come to realize that just about once a week this month I have been nearly clipped by another driver, usually they are slowly merging into my lane while I am half next to them. I need to learn how to lay on my horn, then hopefully they I can freak them out as much as they freaked me out. Seriously, a panicky heart is not what I want on my Monday morning. Thank you.
Ended up spending dinner talking about my mom. I can't remember how Brady and I got onto her as the topic, but I'm glad that talking about her doesn't make me an emotional mess anymore. I would often shut down for a day or two, but now it just roles off me. I understand that I will never have the relationship I want with my mom, and I've come to accept that. I have also accepted that I will never get an apology from her for the way she acted during the time I was engaged and the 2 years afterwards.
I've been wanting to join the crowd and write Transformers fanfiction. I have written one this past month and submitted it to a contest that prompted the short story idea. I've noticed that I have a problem getting into the mind of other characters. Often, when I do think of stories, the thoughts mostly focus on a 'mary sue' character. I myself have never really liked OCs so the idea of writing one myself seems kind of meh. I think, if I do start writing that Tailgate would be a main character in most of them. I relate with him a lot. I feel I can get into his mind because I think we feel and think the same a lot. If I had been apart of the MTMTE writing cause, then Tailgate would be my 'mary sue' contribution to it XD. I guess with most things I don't feel that I'm creative enough to do this kind of thing. Fanfiction, comic art, fanart, I am never creative enough to create fun stories, and when I think I have a fun idea I'm never able to get it out on paper the way I visualize it. That is the most frustrating part for me. Seeing how well other can get their ideas out and seeing the lovely worlds, stories, and characters, makes me very jealous. I want to tone my skills, but I just don't seem to improve. It makes me want to give up. Even when I see people who have great ideas and can't draw them out well, makes me jealous. My creative juices are blocked most of the time and I can't keep a hold of an idea in my head long enough to see my ideas out. It's just frustrating.