(no subject)
"Sam, what was is like dating John?" Brittney asked me in a whisper last night while we were talking on the phone around 10:45. It was one of those nights where we just so happened to get into a heavy discussion. As much as I don't have the time for chit-chat, I can't help it.
Brittney is a kind of close friend of mine, and I must admit that she's the sweetest person I know. And she's drop dead gorgeous. And she has a very kind heart. She went out with John freshman year and dumped him (Just as a head's up).
I told her what I thought. I told her about how he lied to me at times and how he made me feel uncomfortable.
"How did he make me feel uncomfortable?" She asked, her voice getting a little quieter.
I just kept pacing around our laundry room, trying to remember.
"Well, he was always furious with me after school if I didn't give him a hug. I don't know why. He knew I never liked showing affection, you know, public displays of it. It made me feel so weird...that was confusing. And then in my U.S. History class we sat next to each other and he'd always grab my hand and sometimes touch me, you know, on my legs or whatever, although it make me feel really uncomfortable. Then when we were alone he'd always pressure me to do things with him. He used to say, 'Come on Sam, let me _____' and I'd tell him 'No' But he would keep pursuing it, and he'd start touching me, and I was so uncomfortable but I always gave in because there was no way he'd stop. I knew that if I never let him do anything, then he would be very very mad at me." I said casually. "Oh, and I also remember this one time I was mad at him because he told me he owned me. I was really offended but I forgave him pretty quickly. I hated being in fights with him." I shrugged.
There was a long pause.
"Sam...that's sexual harassment. This is serious. Have you ever told someone this before?" Brittney whispered to me.
I stopped in my tracks. No way was this sexual harassment...no way. Not possible. Not to me, at least.
"No. Brittney, that can't happen. That wouldn't happen."
"Sam. Listen to yourself. Listen to what you said. Do you understand? That is not right. That's not acceptable."
Not acceptable.
I thought for a while. I listened into the phone. Complete silence. Then, slowly, I felt the tears rush to my eyes. And I hung my head in my hands, sobbing slowly at first, and then becoming hysterical.
"Oh Sam..." Brittney kept saying to me over and over.
This was the biggest epiphany I think I have ever had in my life.
And I thought I was so smart. I thought I had analyzed this relationship...I thought I knew the exact reason for everything.
I didn't know this.
It's funny.
Funny to think that you can put all of your heart, all of your trust into someone. And its funny how sometimes all you get back are unwanted gifts. Depression, sadness, a desire to be someone else...the feeling of violation I shrugged off for so long.
VIOLATION. That word...haunting me like a ghostly shadow. The invasion of my personal space. The invasion of my personal LIFE.
My sadness...my emotions are at the brim of the bottle they're in. Right now.
Worst of all - I thought he truly liked me. LIKED ME. How stupid was I to give myself to him? I was so stupid.
I'm so ashamed of myself sometimes.
I feel so used...I want to take back that whole relationship.
How can I trust someone now. John was my closest friend for two years and all he did was lie to me. All he did was make himself look good. Try to get me drunk. Try to show off.
I hate him.
But most of all....
I hate myself. And I've never wanted to hate myself. But how did I do this to myself.
I'm embarrassed for my life.
Brittney is a kind of close friend of mine, and I must admit that she's the sweetest person I know. And she's drop dead gorgeous. And she has a very kind heart. She went out with John freshman year and dumped him (Just as a head's up).
I told her what I thought. I told her about how he lied to me at times and how he made me feel uncomfortable.
"How did he make me feel uncomfortable?" She asked, her voice getting a little quieter.
I just kept pacing around our laundry room, trying to remember.
"Well, he was always furious with me after school if I didn't give him a hug. I don't know why. He knew I never liked showing affection, you know, public displays of it. It made me feel so weird...that was confusing. And then in my U.S. History class we sat next to each other and he'd always grab my hand and sometimes touch me, you know, on my legs or whatever, although it make me feel really uncomfortable. Then when we were alone he'd always pressure me to do things with him. He used to say, 'Come on Sam, let me _____' and I'd tell him 'No' But he would keep pursuing it, and he'd start touching me, and I was so uncomfortable but I always gave in because there was no way he'd stop. I knew that if I never let him do anything, then he would be very very mad at me." I said casually. "Oh, and I also remember this one time I was mad at him because he told me he owned me. I was really offended but I forgave him pretty quickly. I hated being in fights with him." I shrugged.
There was a long pause.
"Sam...that's sexual harassment. This is serious. Have you ever told someone this before?" Brittney whispered to me.
I stopped in my tracks. No way was this sexual harassment...no way. Not possible. Not to me, at least.
"No. Brittney, that can't happen. That wouldn't happen."
"Sam. Listen to yourself. Listen to what you said. Do you understand? That is not right. That's not acceptable."
Not acceptable.
I thought for a while. I listened into the phone. Complete silence. Then, slowly, I felt the tears rush to my eyes. And I hung my head in my hands, sobbing slowly at first, and then becoming hysterical.
"Oh Sam..." Brittney kept saying to me over and over.
This was the biggest epiphany I think I have ever had in my life.
And I thought I was so smart. I thought I had analyzed this relationship...I thought I knew the exact reason for everything.
I didn't know this.
It's funny.
Funny to think that you can put all of your heart, all of your trust into someone. And its funny how sometimes all you get back are unwanted gifts. Depression, sadness, a desire to be someone else...the feeling of violation I shrugged off for so long.
VIOLATION. That word...haunting me like a ghostly shadow. The invasion of my personal space. The invasion of my personal LIFE.
My sadness...my emotions are at the brim of the bottle they're in. Right now.
Worst of all - I thought he truly liked me. LIKED ME. How stupid was I to give myself to him? I was so stupid.
I'm so ashamed of myself sometimes.
I feel so used...I want to take back that whole relationship.
How can I trust someone now. John was my closest friend for two years and all he did was lie to me. All he did was make himself look good. Try to get me drunk. Try to show off.
I hate him.
But most of all....
I hate myself. And I've never wanted to hate myself. But how did I do this to myself.
I'm embarrassed for my life.