Been Awhile
Whoa! It's been awhile since good 'ol LJ. I don't really know how to start, much less how to end this post so I guess if I just start writing something new and interesting will come out.
Since last time I wrote in this thing I have been to Boston, North Carolina, and now I currently reside in Calgary. I have not actually been very sober at all since I got here, I have found that things hurt less when you are drunk, and it is easier to forget that you may be making one of the biggest mistakes of your life. Plus colors looks prettier and it is easier to be dumber. An old friend of mine once said to me when you are drunk you become more yourself. I don't really believe that. If there is a wall there is a wall there when you are drunk or sober, and if you want to do something it depends on the level of courage you have. Thresholds prevail more often then not. I think the only thing that being drunk really does is help you realize what you really want, and I'm not even going to go into how hypocritical that makes everyone.
One thing about Calgary that is rather depressing however, is it makes me realize how much I loved my life when I was here. And that even if you have the best thing going that you think you will have forever, you won't, and there is no guarantee at all that these places that you think will be awesome, will actually be. There is no guarantee at all that friendships and relationships that you depend on will always be there. Basically in life, no guarantees.
There is actually a psychcologist Dan Gilbert who wrote a book called "Stumbling into Happiness", in it he states that if you are happy or not, as long as you make a choice then you will be happy in the end. He says that even if you are not actually happy, or you didn't make the "right choice", as long as you made a choice your brain will create a synthesized happiness that is actually just as real as the real happiness you would feel. This means that logically, no matter what happens we should be happy. The only problem is that as humans we want choice, we were raised in a society that choice is in fact important to us, therefore as long as we are not making a choice and keeping an option open, the stress and anxiety that this creates keeps us from reaching our baseline happiness. This means that all of those things you thought would make you super sad, will never make you as sad as you think it will. But on the other hand, all of those things that you think will make you super happy, will never really make you as happy as you think they will. The best things that happen to you in life will always be those that you have no choice in because you cannot stress about other options.
Interesting theory, the only problem is that if you are forced into a decision that you know is wrong, what do you do? This is getting to be a very depressing post, oh well. Lately I have found that if you think life is a vending machine when if you put in faith and good intent and expect to get out happiness then you will be sorrily disappointed.
All in all, coming back to Calgary has taught me a lesson, I miss my friends, I miss my family, I miss SAGE, I miss Tuled, I miss Kelly, I miss my apartment, and my job and my life. You never know what you have until it's gone. And once it's gone it is never really worth getting back, because moving backwards never makes sense. The worst part about it though is that I miss Brendan more then anything else. Pretty messed up right? In the end I think that Brendan was the only good thing I have ever done in regards to my love life, but that's not even what I miss. I miss being able to talk to him every night about dumb shit, I miss him being my best friend, I miss being close to him. The dumbest thing about it all is, I really tried to not care and to move on. But then I kid you not everyday someone said something or handed me something to remind me of him. For example running into Auntie Lynn (his) in the middle of downtown Toronto. Or my cousin handing me pictures of us at her wedding, Kelly brings him up, Jan brings him up, someone always brings him up. God has an awful sense of humor, and apparently is trying to tell me something. Maybe its karma. That's possible, and Tuled's opinion.
I wish I was drunk, this post would be a lot less embarrassing if I was drunk, but I have decided to try a whole new honesty thing.
Anyways onto happier news. Festivus was held on Friday (which I know was not the 23rd and yes I was already given hell for that by Bernard, but we are working on a tight sched. here people!) so that was interesting as always. I have been hanging out a TON with Tuled and Danya, which is awesome because I totally needed girl time. Oh weird story. We were all at the yardhouse and this girl comes up to us and is like "Those guys over there want to know how old you are?" and so we asked how old they thought we were, all of them said 24 or older. So on our way out we told them that we were 16, seemed the right thing to do at the time. But the point of this is, why if they were sure that we were 'legal' as it were, did they give a shit about our ages? It was the topic of much discussion. In other news Danya is going to U of T, meaning more people to hang out with in T.O. in January.
Other happy news, last night I had dinner with my dads side of the family, which is the more laid back side (as oppose to my mothers side, where each house we own has at least 10 sets of china) we eat christmas dinner off paper plates. And basically play video games and karaoke all night. But my favorite cousin (Todd, hes a biker...cool guy, like 40) and I were playing GTA with a five year old. And for anyone who needs to be cheered up on Christmas, hearing a 5 year old say, "pick up that hooker and then shoot her to get your money back", will basically do it every time.
Also Todd told Braden (the five year old) that Christmas almost didn't happen because Santa got shoot down over Iraq and the couldn't find all of the reindeer. But it ended up being okay because the marines helped him out. My family is entirely dysfunctional, especially because no one actually told Braden that this was a joke and he really believes that santa got shot out of the sky.
Speaking of my mothers side of the family...I think I may have found a ranch...sweet. I will update on the reduced fat peppercorn ranch when things come together more (Hmmm, not many of you will get that).
Anyways a couple more days in Calgary then back down to North Carolina. After which to Toronto to paint my feelings, learn more french, play cello, and become an expert in graphic design. AND book tickets to Europe, I'm running away. (I am actually just interviewing for schools and visiting a friend in Italy, although running away does not seem like the worst thing right now.)
Well I say that this is a rather good summery of my life for the past couple of months; Until next time. Adios.
Sam(my)
Since last time I wrote in this thing I have been to Boston, North Carolina, and now I currently reside in Calgary. I have not actually been very sober at all since I got here, I have found that things hurt less when you are drunk, and it is easier to forget that you may be making one of the biggest mistakes of your life. Plus colors looks prettier and it is easier to be dumber. An old friend of mine once said to me when you are drunk you become more yourself. I don't really believe that. If there is a wall there is a wall there when you are drunk or sober, and if you want to do something it depends on the level of courage you have. Thresholds prevail more often then not. I think the only thing that being drunk really does is help you realize what you really want, and I'm not even going to go into how hypocritical that makes everyone.
One thing about Calgary that is rather depressing however, is it makes me realize how much I loved my life when I was here. And that even if you have the best thing going that you think you will have forever, you won't, and there is no guarantee at all that these places that you think will be awesome, will actually be. There is no guarantee at all that friendships and relationships that you depend on will always be there. Basically in life, no guarantees.
There is actually a psychcologist Dan Gilbert who wrote a book called "Stumbling into Happiness", in it he states that if you are happy or not, as long as you make a choice then you will be happy in the end. He says that even if you are not actually happy, or you didn't make the "right choice", as long as you made a choice your brain will create a synthesized happiness that is actually just as real as the real happiness you would feel. This means that logically, no matter what happens we should be happy. The only problem is that as humans we want choice, we were raised in a society that choice is in fact important to us, therefore as long as we are not making a choice and keeping an option open, the stress and anxiety that this creates keeps us from reaching our baseline happiness. This means that all of those things you thought would make you super sad, will never make you as sad as you think it will. But on the other hand, all of those things that you think will make you super happy, will never really make you as happy as you think they will. The best things that happen to you in life will always be those that you have no choice in because you cannot stress about other options.
Interesting theory, the only problem is that if you are forced into a decision that you know is wrong, what do you do? This is getting to be a very depressing post, oh well. Lately I have found that if you think life is a vending machine when if you put in faith and good intent and expect to get out happiness then you will be sorrily disappointed.
All in all, coming back to Calgary has taught me a lesson, I miss my friends, I miss my family, I miss SAGE, I miss Tuled, I miss Kelly, I miss my apartment, and my job and my life. You never know what you have until it's gone. And once it's gone it is never really worth getting back, because moving backwards never makes sense. The worst part about it though is that I miss Brendan more then anything else. Pretty messed up right? In the end I think that Brendan was the only good thing I have ever done in regards to my love life, but that's not even what I miss. I miss being able to talk to him every night about dumb shit, I miss him being my best friend, I miss being close to him. The dumbest thing about it all is, I really tried to not care and to move on. But then I kid you not everyday someone said something or handed me something to remind me of him. For example running into Auntie Lynn (his) in the middle of downtown Toronto. Or my cousin handing me pictures of us at her wedding, Kelly brings him up, Jan brings him up, someone always brings him up. God has an awful sense of humor, and apparently is trying to tell me something. Maybe its karma. That's possible, and Tuled's opinion.
I wish I was drunk, this post would be a lot less embarrassing if I was drunk, but I have decided to try a whole new honesty thing.
Anyways onto happier news. Festivus was held on Friday (which I know was not the 23rd and yes I was already given hell for that by Bernard, but we are working on a tight sched. here people!) so that was interesting as always. I have been hanging out a TON with Tuled and Danya, which is awesome because I totally needed girl time. Oh weird story. We were all at the yardhouse and this girl comes up to us and is like "Those guys over there want to know how old you are?" and so we asked how old they thought we were, all of them said 24 or older. So on our way out we told them that we were 16, seemed the right thing to do at the time. But the point of this is, why if they were sure that we were 'legal' as it were, did they give a shit about our ages? It was the topic of much discussion. In other news Danya is going to U of T, meaning more people to hang out with in T.O. in January.
Other happy news, last night I had dinner with my dads side of the family, which is the more laid back side (as oppose to my mothers side, where each house we own has at least 10 sets of china) we eat christmas dinner off paper plates. And basically play video games and karaoke all night. But my favorite cousin (Todd, hes a biker...cool guy, like 40) and I were playing GTA with a five year old. And for anyone who needs to be cheered up on Christmas, hearing a 5 year old say, "pick up that hooker and then shoot her to get your money back", will basically do it every time.
Also Todd told Braden (the five year old) that Christmas almost didn't happen because Santa got shoot down over Iraq and the couldn't find all of the reindeer. But it ended up being okay because the marines helped him out. My family is entirely dysfunctional, especially because no one actually told Braden that this was a joke and he really believes that santa got shot out of the sky.
Speaking of my mothers side of the family...I think I may have found a ranch...sweet. I will update on the reduced fat peppercorn ranch when things come together more (Hmmm, not many of you will get that).
Anyways a couple more days in Calgary then back down to North Carolina. After which to Toronto to paint my feelings, learn more french, play cello, and become an expert in graphic design. AND book tickets to Europe, I'm running away. (I am actually just interviewing for schools and visiting a friend in Italy, although running away does not seem like the worst thing right now.)
Well I say that this is a rather good summery of my life for the past couple of months; Until next time. Adios.
Sam(my)