A Small-ish Rant
Let me begin quite simply with: ARGGHHHHHHHH!
Now we can move forwards. So I would have to say that this entry is entirely concerned with Nick, and if you have not heard stories of Nick then you a most likely missing out on rather an exciting bout of humor. I should also apologize because this will be half rant, and half super gushy in all likelihood. But I digress.
A couple of nights ago I get a phone call from him, drunk, at one in the morning, that and I’m quoting here: “Me and a bunch of my friends are jamming, you know how it is when you get a bunch of music majors together.” Now there are many things wrong with that sentence. One, Nick does not even play an instrument; therefore, I would have thought ‘jamming’ to be impossible for him. Two, he is a musical theatre major and just had the audacity of calling himself a music major. Let me explain the difference, being a music major, you learn theory, the physics of sound, how to improve yourself upon the instrument of your choice, how to create and play true music, how to reflect yourself in the music you create and play (can you tell I’m in love with someone who is a music major…anyways.) Being a musical theatre major, you learn to (sort of) sing and dance to music that somebody else has written. There is not ONE theory class in the entire curriculum unless you opt to take it, and it is basically one of those degrees that you either have it, or you don’t, and in the end if your not pretty, your not going to make it anyways. (I also need to point out that a ‘musical theatre’ degree and a ‘theatre (acting ba)’ are very different and I am talking strictly about musical theatre as taken at a school in the Southern US.) However, I still need to rant, I had never even heard of a musical theatre degree until I went to the states, and by looking at the classes that they take for it, I have no idea what they hope to learn, they are trying to teach talent, which you can’t teach. Now a musical major is accepted upon talent and taught to expand on it, and make it their own, a very worthy pastime.
Anyways we are now moving on to last night. At which time Nick called looking for what I can only assume to be answers, it was a very wandering conversation with most of it him trying to ask why I had chosen to stay with Brendan over dating him; (which really isn’t that hard to explain, but in light of trying to spare feelings), I gave him very nice answers, I’m sorry it didn’t work out for you, I’m sorry that you got hurt in all this, etc. So then, he goes and insults me by saying, what Brendan and I have is not real, it is a flash in the pan romance, I do not really love him. Now, if you know me, YOU KNOW that the last thing you want to do is tell me how I feel (especially about someone that I truly love). So I got a little hostile.
He said, and this is a quote “How can you tell me over the summer that you love me, and then turn around and tell Brendan that you love him as soon as you get back to Canada?”
Now I have so many dramaturgical issues with this sentence I do not even know where to begin. One: There is a very real and apparent difference between the way that I love Nick (well did anyway) and the way that I love Brendan (still do, will for the rest of my life). The way that I loved Nick was that way that you grow to love someone that you spend all your time with and are able to eventually tell them all of your secrets, well lots of them anyways. It’s much the way (upon reflection) that you would love the friend you went to jr. high school with. The way that I love Brendan is much, much different. It’s a love that is completely freeing, and allows me to be completely myself. When I look into his eyes I see the person that I want to be, and the person that I want to spend the rest of my life with. It’s a kind of love that is pure, true, and trusting. Completely selfless and unassuming. Now did I tell Nick this? You bet your ass.
Issue Number Two: Regardless of what Nick decides to believe is true, I never stopped loving Brendan over the summer, and no one could ever really take his place for the rest of my life. Just because we are apart from each other does not mean that we stop loving and caring for each other (and DO NOT even get me started on the whole out of sight out of mind principle that so many Americans seemed to follow). In addition, we were even on a break over the summer and that did not change the way that we felt about each other so go figure (temporary, didn’t work out, doesn’t count). I don’t even think that we acted any differently towards each other during the entire thing, and any idiot could see that I did not go back to loving Brendan, it really never stopped.
So anyways, it is almost over people, bear with me, I get this email this morning where he has dissected an email that I sent him turned all the words around and added his opinion. Circa, the bitchy girls in Jr. High school. Taking everything I say (which was by the way me trying to be a good friend and make him feel better about the situation), and turning it completely on its ass. For example, I said that I regretted that his feelings had to be hurt, and he took that as saying I regretted not choosing him and regret the fact that I am with Brendan now instead of him. Hmmm, I do not really know how to dignify that with a response. Other then I do not regret being with Brendan at all, and I thought we clarified this last night. Also he told me to quite making him feel like it could have worked… I love Brendan, I am very happy where I am. How is that at all, ‘I think we could have worked’? If anyone could explain this to me, it would be very helpful. Also he quoted something that I never even said, that being ‘just admit that you don’t know how to fix it’, and really I don’t even know where that came from because there was never anything to fix. Then he said to listen to ‘our’ soundtrack, which I still have not figured out which soundtrack is ours, I would guess however that it is from a musical, in which it doesn’t really matter which one I listen to because they are all exactly the same.
Then there was a lot about how I must feel like shit (no), how I must feel like I am such a bitch (no), how I must feel like his ex felt when she cheated on him and then got engaged to the guy she cheated on him with (ummm…no?), how it must be so hard for me and Brendan now (not really, no), how I am trying to make myself feel better (never really felt bad), and how I am sad because he is sad (nope).
Then there was the whole sad, you need to cease to exist to me for some time because it just hurts to much because I know how you felt about me…more then okay with that.
But here was the worst part, he calls me, and says I quote “I feel sorry for Brendan, because I can’t help feeling like he’s getting the short end of the deal, like you don’t really love him, because you just keep running.” This warranted him a very quick, I just ran from you, I love Brendan more then you will ever know, and fuck you. This also probably ruined any chance of us being friends for the rest of our lives.
In conclusion, what the hell? In addition, sometimes being a friend is a lot harder then it looks to be. And I am entirely confused.
Sam
Now we can move forwards. So I would have to say that this entry is entirely concerned with Nick, and if you have not heard stories of Nick then you a most likely missing out on rather an exciting bout of humor. I should also apologize because this will be half rant, and half super gushy in all likelihood. But I digress.
A couple of nights ago I get a phone call from him, drunk, at one in the morning, that and I’m quoting here: “Me and a bunch of my friends are jamming, you know how it is when you get a bunch of music majors together.” Now there are many things wrong with that sentence. One, Nick does not even play an instrument; therefore, I would have thought ‘jamming’ to be impossible for him. Two, he is a musical theatre major and just had the audacity of calling himself a music major. Let me explain the difference, being a music major, you learn theory, the physics of sound, how to improve yourself upon the instrument of your choice, how to create and play true music, how to reflect yourself in the music you create and play (can you tell I’m in love with someone who is a music major…anyways.) Being a musical theatre major, you learn to (sort of) sing and dance to music that somebody else has written. There is not ONE theory class in the entire curriculum unless you opt to take it, and it is basically one of those degrees that you either have it, or you don’t, and in the end if your not pretty, your not going to make it anyways. (I also need to point out that a ‘musical theatre’ degree and a ‘theatre (acting ba)’ are very different and I am talking strictly about musical theatre as taken at a school in the Southern US.) However, I still need to rant, I had never even heard of a musical theatre degree until I went to the states, and by looking at the classes that they take for it, I have no idea what they hope to learn, they are trying to teach talent, which you can’t teach. Now a musical major is accepted upon talent and taught to expand on it, and make it their own, a very worthy pastime.
Anyways we are now moving on to last night. At which time Nick called looking for what I can only assume to be answers, it was a very wandering conversation with most of it him trying to ask why I had chosen to stay with Brendan over dating him; (which really isn’t that hard to explain, but in light of trying to spare feelings), I gave him very nice answers, I’m sorry it didn’t work out for you, I’m sorry that you got hurt in all this, etc. So then, he goes and insults me by saying, what Brendan and I have is not real, it is a flash in the pan romance, I do not really love him. Now, if you know me, YOU KNOW that the last thing you want to do is tell me how I feel (especially about someone that I truly love). So I got a little hostile.
He said, and this is a quote “How can you tell me over the summer that you love me, and then turn around and tell Brendan that you love him as soon as you get back to Canada?”
Now I have so many dramaturgical issues with this sentence I do not even know where to begin. One: There is a very real and apparent difference between the way that I love Nick (well did anyway) and the way that I love Brendan (still do, will for the rest of my life). The way that I loved Nick was that way that you grow to love someone that you spend all your time with and are able to eventually tell them all of your secrets, well lots of them anyways. It’s much the way (upon reflection) that you would love the friend you went to jr. high school with. The way that I love Brendan is much, much different. It’s a love that is completely freeing, and allows me to be completely myself. When I look into his eyes I see the person that I want to be, and the person that I want to spend the rest of my life with. It’s a kind of love that is pure, true, and trusting. Completely selfless and unassuming. Now did I tell Nick this? You bet your ass.
Issue Number Two: Regardless of what Nick decides to believe is true, I never stopped loving Brendan over the summer, and no one could ever really take his place for the rest of my life. Just because we are apart from each other does not mean that we stop loving and caring for each other (and DO NOT even get me started on the whole out of sight out of mind principle that so many Americans seemed to follow). In addition, we were even on a break over the summer and that did not change the way that we felt about each other so go figure (temporary, didn’t work out, doesn’t count). I don’t even think that we acted any differently towards each other during the entire thing, and any idiot could see that I did not go back to loving Brendan, it really never stopped.
So anyways, it is almost over people, bear with me, I get this email this morning where he has dissected an email that I sent him turned all the words around and added his opinion. Circa, the bitchy girls in Jr. High school. Taking everything I say (which was by the way me trying to be a good friend and make him feel better about the situation), and turning it completely on its ass. For example, I said that I regretted that his feelings had to be hurt, and he took that as saying I regretted not choosing him and regret the fact that I am with Brendan now instead of him. Hmmm, I do not really know how to dignify that with a response. Other then I do not regret being with Brendan at all, and I thought we clarified this last night. Also he told me to quite making him feel like it could have worked… I love Brendan, I am very happy where I am. How is that at all, ‘I think we could have worked’? If anyone could explain this to me, it would be very helpful. Also he quoted something that I never even said, that being ‘just admit that you don’t know how to fix it’, and really I don’t even know where that came from because there was never anything to fix. Then he said to listen to ‘our’ soundtrack, which I still have not figured out which soundtrack is ours, I would guess however that it is from a musical, in which it doesn’t really matter which one I listen to because they are all exactly the same.
Then there was a lot about how I must feel like shit (no), how I must feel like I am such a bitch (no), how I must feel like his ex felt when she cheated on him and then got engaged to the guy she cheated on him with (ummm…no?), how it must be so hard for me and Brendan now (not really, no), how I am trying to make myself feel better (never really felt bad), and how I am sad because he is sad (nope).
Then there was the whole sad, you need to cease to exist to me for some time because it just hurts to much because I know how you felt about me…more then okay with that.
But here was the worst part, he calls me, and says I quote “I feel sorry for Brendan, because I can’t help feeling like he’s getting the short end of the deal, like you don’t really love him, because you just keep running.” This warranted him a very quick, I just ran from you, I love Brendan more then you will ever know, and fuck you. This also probably ruined any chance of us being friends for the rest of our lives.
In conclusion, what the hell? In addition, sometimes being a friend is a lot harder then it looks to be. And I am entirely confused.
Sam