You know what this blog needs? A list.
Today's list is positive things, which can either be related to my recent trauma or not a-tall.
1) One of the more prominent realizations I had in the car the other day (which, really, is where most of my discoveries are made, aside from the shower) was that if I could withstand the nightmare that I just faced, who's to say I can't do ANYTHING? I have gone through something which many do not see, and while I would never wish it upon anyone, at the same time, my outlook upon essentially my everything has changed.
One of the stranger side effects is that I feel very ready to date someone right now. Whereas I was entirely vulnerable and unable to communicate to anyone for these past few months, right now I feel more resilient than ever, which I believe to be important when throwing one's self back into the 'dating' scene. This, of course, is ignoring the fact that I never truly 'dated' before this whole scenario, but damn it, I don't see why I can't now.
The idea I've molded is that when someone dies suddenly, much time is expected to be devoted to mourning and grieving after the death because, well, how could you before if you did not see it coming? However, with what I have endured, I honestly feel like most of my mourning has already been done. My grieving was witnessing the deterioration of my father; his death was his release from that hell. So while, yes, I am terribly sad to have lost my father and will continue to be, I don't see this as the moment where my life stops. Quite the opposite, I feel more inspired than ever to maximize my life's hedonic utility (philosophy ftw). So there is one plus. Now how the hell do I date again?
2) My father's last words spoken were "mother fucker". I LOVE THIS. Bad-ass 'til the day he died.
3) I discovered about an hour ago that roasted and salted almonds are no less than SPLENDID. I thought I hated almonds! What the hell have I hated for so long that I thought were almonds? Cash-ews?
4) Flea Market season is a-comin' and I feel like this could be the year I find my keytar amongst the cat figurines, beanie babies and salad spinners. I also am very much looking forward to more NES treasures like last year's gems "Rush'n Attack" and "Bayou Billy". I. Love. Flea Markets.
5) I never mentioned that I drove standard for the first time a few weeks ago and I wasn't awful! I only stalled a few times and it was only while at stop signs, which I hear is commendable. I am going to continue to practice and I will have finally accomplished a personal goal of mine. It's probably pathetic how many personal goals I have not realized over my lifetime, so I need to make sure this one definitely sticks. GET IT? STICK SHIFT.
The list of positives is small right now, but at least I can make one, right? I have no idea if I am 'handling this well' or whatever I should be doing. I'm functional, at least. Jaded and disillusioned too, but I will bet that will fade after time.
Things still feel weird though. Kind of empty, kind of broken, a lot of surreal.
1) One of the more prominent realizations I had in the car the other day (which, really, is where most of my discoveries are made, aside from the shower) was that if I could withstand the nightmare that I just faced, who's to say I can't do ANYTHING? I have gone through something which many do not see, and while I would never wish it upon anyone, at the same time, my outlook upon essentially my everything has changed.
One of the stranger side effects is that I feel very ready to date someone right now. Whereas I was entirely vulnerable and unable to communicate to anyone for these past few months, right now I feel more resilient than ever, which I believe to be important when throwing one's self back into the 'dating' scene. This, of course, is ignoring the fact that I never truly 'dated' before this whole scenario, but damn it, I don't see why I can't now.
The idea I've molded is that when someone dies suddenly, much time is expected to be devoted to mourning and grieving after the death because, well, how could you before if you did not see it coming? However, with what I have endured, I honestly feel like most of my mourning has already been done. My grieving was witnessing the deterioration of my father; his death was his release from that hell. So while, yes, I am terribly sad to have lost my father and will continue to be, I don't see this as the moment where my life stops. Quite the opposite, I feel more inspired than ever to maximize my life's hedonic utility (philosophy ftw). So there is one plus. Now how the hell do I date again?
2) My father's last words spoken were "mother fucker". I LOVE THIS. Bad-ass 'til the day he died.
3) I discovered about an hour ago that roasted and salted almonds are no less than SPLENDID. I thought I hated almonds! What the hell have I hated for so long that I thought were almonds? Cash-ews?
4) Flea Market season is a-comin' and I feel like this could be the year I find my keytar amongst the cat figurines, beanie babies and salad spinners. I also am very much looking forward to more NES treasures like last year's gems "Rush'n Attack" and "Bayou Billy". I. Love. Flea Markets.
5) I never mentioned that I drove standard for the first time a few weeks ago and I wasn't awful! I only stalled a few times and it was only while at stop signs, which I hear is commendable. I am going to continue to practice and I will have finally accomplished a personal goal of mine. It's probably pathetic how many personal goals I have not realized over my lifetime, so I need to make sure this one definitely sticks. GET IT? STICK SHIFT.
The list of positives is small right now, but at least I can make one, right? I have no idea if I am 'handling this well' or whatever I should be doing. I'm functional, at least. Jaded and disillusioned too, but I will bet that will fade after time.
Things still feel weird though. Kind of empty, kind of broken, a lot of surreal.