it's okay to be angry and never let go.
I've been so angry lately. Which is terrible, because i hate being angry. I love being not angry. skjgskjg.
I haven't been to school in weeks. Don't care too much about it. I don't miss anything about it. Not the people, not the teachers, and certainly not the work. i'm not looking forward to making it all up, but still. the people that matter have made the effort to come and see me. i'm tired of being codependent on everyone else. i wish 2006 never existed.
I wish this entire ordeal happened at a time that wasn't supposed to be my favorite time of the year. i've spent the past two months preparing for Christmas. I look forward to Christmas and Hannukah more than i look forward to my birthday. I decorated and got myself all excited. i had big plans. and now i cant even listen to christmas music without feeling terrible. i feel bad that people who don't even like the season get to enjoy it more than i do. i feel bad that materialistic people who only like the season because they get gifts and can take advantage of people get to enjoy it more than i do. i can't explain why i love[d] this season so much but it was just full of good reasons.
and then i feel guilty being angry at these other people because ... i don't want to be angry. i want to feel good about everything and everyone. i want to go out and do good deeds like i used to and then enjoy the satisfaction that it used to give me. but i can't, because my desire to go out has completely left me.
my desire for a lot of things is gone.
hannukah party this weekend. i really hope i want to go.
i wish it wasn't like this.
I haven't been to school in weeks. Don't care too much about it. I don't miss anything about it. Not the people, not the teachers, and certainly not the work. i'm not looking forward to making it all up, but still. the people that matter have made the effort to come and see me. i'm tired of being codependent on everyone else. i wish 2006 never existed.
I wish this entire ordeal happened at a time that wasn't supposed to be my favorite time of the year. i've spent the past two months preparing for Christmas. I look forward to Christmas and Hannukah more than i look forward to my birthday. I decorated and got myself all excited. i had big plans. and now i cant even listen to christmas music without feeling terrible. i feel bad that people who don't even like the season get to enjoy it more than i do. i feel bad that materialistic people who only like the season because they get gifts and can take advantage of people get to enjoy it more than i do. i can't explain why i love[d] this season so much but it was just full of good reasons.
and then i feel guilty being angry at these other people because ... i don't want to be angry. i want to feel good about everything and everyone. i want to go out and do good deeds like i used to and then enjoy the satisfaction that it used to give me. but i can't, because my desire to go out has completely left me.
my desire for a lot of things is gone.
hannukah party this weekend. i really hope i want to go.
i wish it wasn't like this.