Honesty is such lonely word
I haven't been being honest, not to the people who care about me. Truth is, ever since I got the news that the cancer was , for the moment at least, stopped in it's tracks, I have been feeling so much worse.
Not that the two are unrelated; the pain in my back is from the degenerative disk disease, and the problem is that they cannot do any of the surgical things they normally would, due to the cancer and cancer meds. Also, I cannot take advantage of the spinal decompression that got me through the last year of my employment - again, simply because of the cancer.
No one has told me whether they are afraid of it spreading if they operate, or whether the Avastin that has seemed to be keeping the cells from spreading would make the surgery too dangerous...not enough answers, dammit! The pain is so bad when I try to walk that I am now using a wheelchair to get around, and I hate it. I mean, I'm grateful that our son just happened to have one hanging around when I needed it - but I hate the very IDEA of having to use it!
Then the left wrist started hurting, so badly I could have believed I broke it, except I know I didn't: it is just my old buddy, carpel tunnel syndrome revisiting me, probably because I'm having to use my arms more to support myself and get around-but that means THAT is in a brace, pretty useless to me.
Then came the ear infection that would not go away, leaving me isolated in a pretty soundless place where most of my conversations with other consists of me saying "What?" and "I'm sorry - I can't hear you." As per modern medical knowledge, I didn't run to the doc for antibiotics because, we all know nowadays, most ear infections resolve themselves without antibiotics. Not mine, though- mine finally blew out my left eardrum, and even with the resulting drainage, would still not let go. Back to the doc again, this time for antibiotic ear drops-yum!
Followed this week by a new eruption of hydrenitis supuritiva, this side on the right side of my groin-I already have an active site on the left side. In layman's ;language, that means a huge, incredibly painful cyst under the skin that the docs don't seem to be able to do much about, except, yummy, MORE antibiotics! Oral, this time, one of the exotics because I am allergic to the 2 more common drugs for this condition, and with the warning from the doc that "this stuff will really upset your tummy" while I've been fighting tooth and nail to maintain ANY kind of appetite at all.....
So if you see a very skinny woman in a wheelchair who looks like she is in pain and doesn't acknowledge you when you speak to her, it was probably me.
I've never been comfortable talking about the troubles I have, and any of you who are reading this who really know me probably also know that our whole family doesn't like to go on about our health problems. We have all been taught it is so much better to just try to bear what God gives you and remain cheerful, and do your crying in private. The only problem with that right now is that I spend so much time crying, it's not safe to go out in public! I do manage it, though, because I do not want to give up.
Thursday I am heading to Philadelphia where they are going to try, yet again, to do something for the pain with Interventional Radiology, and possibly radiation-ablation of nerves: hopefully that will help. I will be starting physical therapy next week, to work on getting the use of my left hand back, and trying to maintain whatever strength I've got, and hopefully get myself built back up to where I can walk, regardless of the pain.
Over the next few weeks, the Beloved and i will be moving from the upper floor to the main floor, giving up our lovely tree-house in the branches. That will help. And so will help.
Yes, I need help. There! I said it! More than I ever have before, now I need help with everyday chores like cleaning and laundry, and fixing meals.It hurts almost as much to admit that as everything else all together, but that is how it is, and I cannot fight it anymore. My poor husband is becoming exhausted, trying to pick up all my slack with household chores and at the same time, trying to get remodeling and moving done, so we can make this move to the main floor. So, if anyone has a but of time they could spare, just let me know, and I promise I will work very hard at accepting said help gracefully.
Because it's not right to lie to your friends, especially friends like all of you, who have showed so many times just how big-hearted and generous you are. Thanks again for everything you have helped me with in the past. And know that I have every intention of beating these problems, and get past them!
Not that the two are unrelated; the pain in my back is from the degenerative disk disease, and the problem is that they cannot do any of the surgical things they normally would, due to the cancer and cancer meds. Also, I cannot take advantage of the spinal decompression that got me through the last year of my employment - again, simply because of the cancer.
No one has told me whether they are afraid of it spreading if they operate, or whether the Avastin that has seemed to be keeping the cells from spreading would make the surgery too dangerous...not enough answers, dammit! The pain is so bad when I try to walk that I am now using a wheelchair to get around, and I hate it. I mean, I'm grateful that our son just happened to have one hanging around when I needed it - but I hate the very IDEA of having to use it!
Then the left wrist started hurting, so badly I could have believed I broke it, except I know I didn't: it is just my old buddy, carpel tunnel syndrome revisiting me, probably because I'm having to use my arms more to support myself and get around-but that means THAT is in a brace, pretty useless to me.
Then came the ear infection that would not go away, leaving me isolated in a pretty soundless place where most of my conversations with other consists of me saying "What?" and "I'm sorry - I can't hear you." As per modern medical knowledge, I didn't run to the doc for antibiotics because, we all know nowadays, most ear infections resolve themselves without antibiotics. Not mine, though- mine finally blew out my left eardrum, and even with the resulting drainage, would still not let go. Back to the doc again, this time for antibiotic ear drops-yum!
Followed this week by a new eruption of hydrenitis supuritiva, this side on the right side of my groin-I already have an active site on the left side. In layman's ;language, that means a huge, incredibly painful cyst under the skin that the docs don't seem to be able to do much about, except, yummy, MORE antibiotics! Oral, this time, one of the exotics because I am allergic to the 2 more common drugs for this condition, and with the warning from the doc that "this stuff will really upset your tummy" while I've been fighting tooth and nail to maintain ANY kind of appetite at all.....
So if you see a very skinny woman in a wheelchair who looks like she is in pain and doesn't acknowledge you when you speak to her, it was probably me.
I've never been comfortable talking about the troubles I have, and any of you who are reading this who really know me probably also know that our whole family doesn't like to go on about our health problems. We have all been taught it is so much better to just try to bear what God gives you and remain cheerful, and do your crying in private. The only problem with that right now is that I spend so much time crying, it's not safe to go out in public! I do manage it, though, because I do not want to give up.
Thursday I am heading to Philadelphia where they are going to try, yet again, to do something for the pain with Interventional Radiology, and possibly radiation-ablation of nerves: hopefully that will help. I will be starting physical therapy next week, to work on getting the use of my left hand back, and trying to maintain whatever strength I've got, and hopefully get myself built back up to where I can walk, regardless of the pain.
Over the next few weeks, the Beloved and i will be moving from the upper floor to the main floor, giving up our lovely tree-house in the branches. That will help. And so will help.
Yes, I need help. There! I said it! More than I ever have before, now I need help with everyday chores like cleaning and laundry, and fixing meals.It hurts almost as much to admit that as everything else all together, but that is how it is, and I cannot fight it anymore. My poor husband is becoming exhausted, trying to pick up all my slack with household chores and at the same time, trying to get remodeling and moving done, so we can make this move to the main floor. So, if anyone has a but of time they could spare, just let me know, and I promise I will work very hard at accepting said help gracefully.
Because it's not right to lie to your friends, especially friends like all of you, who have showed so many times just how big-hearted and generous you are. Thanks again for everything you have helped me with in the past. And know that I have every intention of beating these problems, and get past them!