(no subject)
I've been feeling a certain way for a while but I haven't said anything to anyone. I don't even think I've been honest with myself. The truth is, I am so lonely. I know I'm not alone, but for some reason, I feel so lonely. I don't have anything outside of my family and my job thats really just for me. I have no real friends. I don't have time for any hobbies. I go to work, I come home. That's it. Hubbie tells me to get out, but don't have anywhere to go or anything to do. I've been having nightmares too. About abusing the boys in the way I was abused. It makes me sick to think that I could be capable of that. I can still see it in my head and I want nothing more than to make it stop. I don't know what I would do if I were to do anything like that. I tried to talk to hubbie about it. He kept reassuring me that it was just a dream. I know it was dream. That's not what makes me cry. Its closing my eyes and seeing it over and over again. I told him that maybe I should start seeing someone. He doesn't think I need to go. He's just so oblivious to how depressed I really am. I don't think I've really, truly smiled in weeks. It's all I can do to not cry constantly...