Last Evening
"what is that on your arm?"I say nothing when he glances to look i move my arm so he cant see the burns and the band-aids covering it up. He acts like he doesn't know but he forgets three days before in front of him I put the cigarette out on my arm in anger.
The rest of the night continued as usual. I would glance at him when he wasn't looking or wait for him to look up so i could make eye contact. "stop looking at yourself." when I catch him looking at himself in the mirror."why are you checking me out." he turns around and smiles at me when he realizes I was looking at him. I come up with a witty or even stupid remark just to end the part of the night.
Its difficult to have this free flowing night of endless conversations it is always interrupted with odd jokes or weird statements. A few nights before we had hooked up and I made him promise not to say anything. The problem was I couldn't keep from saying anything. He knew I had and everyone else in the room knew what had happened between us. I wish I could have kept quit.
"did u say something to your sister?" I lie and say I didn't and he informs me that everyone in the living room knows. I freak cause I can't believe I let it get out and he knows i lied to him to cover up my mistake. I run out of the room and shove my sister as i go. When I get to my room I don't know what I should do, should I apologize to him for lieing? she betrayed me and I didn't know what to do. I lay in the dark waiting for something to click in my head. I open the door for my friends that are worried? I dont know. Daneal and Hannah come in followed by him. He asks what he can do to fix it and I just say, "what can you do?"
He says we should just act like adults because we're not ashamed of what we did. He was right and inside I felt like it was all better. When we came out of my bedroom I feel like everyone knows what I've done and I feel wrong. Hannah, Daneal and I leave for more beer and all the while I think about what has just happen, what i should do when I get home. All I want is for this guy that makes me feel something to tell me its ok.
When we get back hes on the couch. Patting the cushion to signal me to sit down. I'm entertained by all the guys in the house that I've known for the last year and i realize its ok cause they no longer care. I still ask to hear what they know and apparently I'm good at what I do. I laugh at this because it just makes me happy to hear I've done something good. I'm still laughing inside about it.
Once many of the people leave or go out to buy more beer I move back to my bedroom where only a few people can be at a time and I wait for the right people to show up in there. Which are Daneal, Hannah, and him. I'm probably drunk by now cause I can only remember the lights going out, us talking and questions about what each other want.I'm still not sure if i got a clear answer but I know by now he cares for me in some way. (maybe it was just the drinks that made us do this.)I'm glad though I got something from him. when were done he walks out and says bye to his friends. He ends up staying for awhile longer when he comes back to my room he kisses me. At some point he asked me why I said, "oh shit" the other morning when we were together...for the life of me I couldn't even remember saying it or why. We go back to my living room with the remainder of the bunch. The rest of the night was full of picture taking.
We hook up again before he leaves I know I won't see him for god knows how long but it doesn't bother me. If this never happens again i know he still cares about me. "Don't say you love me unless you mean it. I do mean it. do you mean it when you say you love me? yes. Then I love you."
Even if its only as friends.
The rest of the night continued as usual. I would glance at him when he wasn't looking or wait for him to look up so i could make eye contact. "stop looking at yourself." when I catch him looking at himself in the mirror."why are you checking me out." he turns around and smiles at me when he realizes I was looking at him. I come up with a witty or even stupid remark just to end the part of the night.
Its difficult to have this free flowing night of endless conversations it is always interrupted with odd jokes or weird statements. A few nights before we had hooked up and I made him promise not to say anything. The problem was I couldn't keep from saying anything. He knew I had and everyone else in the room knew what had happened between us. I wish I could have kept quit.
"did u say something to your sister?" I lie and say I didn't and he informs me that everyone in the living room knows. I freak cause I can't believe I let it get out and he knows i lied to him to cover up my mistake. I run out of the room and shove my sister as i go. When I get to my room I don't know what I should do, should I apologize to him for lieing? she betrayed me and I didn't know what to do. I lay in the dark waiting for something to click in my head. I open the door for my friends that are worried? I dont know. Daneal and Hannah come in followed by him. He asks what he can do to fix it and I just say, "what can you do?"
He says we should just act like adults because we're not ashamed of what we did. He was right and inside I felt like it was all better. When we came out of my bedroom I feel like everyone knows what I've done and I feel wrong. Hannah, Daneal and I leave for more beer and all the while I think about what has just happen, what i should do when I get home. All I want is for this guy that makes me feel something to tell me its ok.
When we get back hes on the couch. Patting the cushion to signal me to sit down. I'm entertained by all the guys in the house that I've known for the last year and i realize its ok cause they no longer care. I still ask to hear what they know and apparently I'm good at what I do. I laugh at this because it just makes me happy to hear I've done something good. I'm still laughing inside about it.
Once many of the people leave or go out to buy more beer I move back to my bedroom where only a few people can be at a time and I wait for the right people to show up in there. Which are Daneal, Hannah, and him. I'm probably drunk by now cause I can only remember the lights going out, us talking and questions about what each other want.I'm still not sure if i got a clear answer but I know by now he cares for me in some way. (maybe it was just the drinks that made us do this.)I'm glad though I got something from him. when were done he walks out and says bye to his friends. He ends up staying for awhile longer when he comes back to my room he kisses me. At some point he asked me why I said, "oh shit" the other morning when we were together...for the life of me I couldn't even remember saying it or why. We go back to my living room with the remainder of the bunch. The rest of the night was full of picture taking.
We hook up again before he leaves I know I won't see him for god knows how long but it doesn't bother me. If this never happens again i know he still cares about me. "Don't say you love me unless you mean it. I do mean it. do you mean it when you say you love me? yes. Then I love you."
Even if its only as friends.