The Demon Overlord List
OK, so…we were discussing Thursday’s episode, and tj_smartz said in this thread that if Sam ever DID give in to his demon Messiah tendencies, he’d have to make a list of the things he’d have to do to become the ruler of Hell. So, with her kind permission, I took the idea and RAN with it!
#3, 6, 8, & 10 are also used with her permission, and #21 & 23 are inspired by a comment kelly_girl made. So, without further ado, I present:
25 Things Sam Has To Do To Before He Can Become The Leader Of Hell (a.k.a. The 'Demon Overlord' List):
1. Find out who holds Dean’s contract, and then…
2. KILL them. Slowly. And painfully.
3. Convince Dean that taking over Hell is, in fact, a good idea. (Yeah, maybe when Hell freezes over, Sam.)
4. Turn down the thermostat, brimstone and sulfur are so medieval, anyway. (That’s cheating, Sammy!)
5. Remind everyone that, as the Demon Jesus, I don’t have to play fair.
6. Contact Ruby and use my scary control voice on her to make her tell me who my competition in the West is. (Uh, Sam? You don’t have a scary control voice.)
7. Work on scary control voice.
8. Research throne types for durability, size and color. (Oooh, can we get one with the Magic Fingers?)
9. Remind Dean that, even though he is my Unholy Consort, it’s my throne. Hence, only I get to sit in it. (You suck, Sam.) (You’ve never complained before.) (…Shut up.)
10. Send out newsletter announcing my decision to step up to my destiny and arrange a time and place for my army to meet and greet. ('Meet and greet'?! Could you GET anymore gay?!) (Again…you’ve never complained before.)
11. Remind the army that they don’t get to go out killing/possessing people whenever they please. They have to wait for my command.
12. Also, remind Dean that he can’t simply waste members of the army on reflex. Or for target practice. I need all the loyal foot soldiers I can get. Traitors and spies are a different story. (Leave it to you to turn me into your own personal Executioner.) (Isn’t that what you always were?) (Yeah, but now I’m killing them because they betrayed their leader, not for the usual reason, which was they were possessing humans.) (Shut up, Dean.)
13. Never quote Hades, Lord of the Dead from Hercules-Hades and Hell are completely different. (Come on, Sam, you need a catch phrase! "Name’s Hades, Lord of the Dead, hi, how ya doin’?" Plus, the guy got to say, "Memo to me, memo to me…kill you after my next meeting.")
14. Don’t quote Disney characters. Period. (And you wonder why I call you 'geek boy'…)
15. Learn to control my psychic abilities so I can discipline the army (and Dean) if need be. (You wish…'discipline', my ass.) (That was the plan, yes.)
16. Once I’ve figured out who/what my competition in the West is (see #6), find out his weak spot. And since I’m gunning to rule Hell, there’s no need to play nice. I can use every dirty trick I can think of.
17. Once I’ve figured out his weak spot, offer him the classic 'one chance to surrender'. And since I’m pretty sure he’ll refuse, once he does…
18. Mobilize the army to attack! (Dude. About damn time! Seriously.)
19. Once we have annihilated the usurper (Geek. Boy. Geeeeeekboooooy.), Dean can execute him and his commanders, as warnings to all who resist me.
20. Perfect the ‘puppy-dog-eyes-of-doom’. It’s a great lead-in to a sucker punch.
21. Show my army that I can provide them with everything they need-and all those who question me will be dealt with severely. (Careful, Sammy. First part of that makes it sound like you’re trying to get up there with Jesus, and the whole 5 loaves and 2 fishes thing.) (First off, how do you remember that? Second, it doesn’t matter. Jesus did His thing, now I get to do mine. Stinkin' show-off.) (Did you seriously just call Jesus a 'show-off'?!) (What part of ‘Demon Antichrist’ hasn’t sunk in yet with you, Dean?) (…What do demons eat, anyway? Twinkies? Pie? I’m pretty sure 5 Twinkies and 2 pies won’t feed 5,000 people like the loaves and fishes did.) (Dean, shut up…you’re making my head hurt.)
22. Never listen to Dean’s advice. He may be one Hell of a Hunter (pun intended), but he knows jack-shit about running an army. He is also not allowed to make decisions regarding said army and the takeover of Hell. (Fuck you, Sammy.) (Later, Dean. The list is almost done, I promise.)
23. Never get drunk around Dean. He will take advantage of my intoxicated state, by whispering stupid things to do in my ear. (Like the time I got you to run naked through that Wal-Mart in Oklahoma City, chanting in Latin at the top of your voice the entire time. Man, that was a brilliant performance, Sammy.) (I’m sure the manager enjoyed it, too-right up until she called the police, who bodily removed us.)
24. Any Hunter who promises to betray other Hunters will be listened to, and their information verified. If it’s false, they’ll be killed instantly. If it’s true, the others will be rounded up, and the informant will be killed as a coward. (Wait wait wait-you’re going to KILL other Hunters?!) (Demon. Antichrist. How thick IS your skull, Dean?! Plus, I never said I was going to kill the other Hunters-just round them up.) (OK, Sam, now you’re doing one of your smoke-and-mirror shows, aren’t you?!) (Of course not! These are not the droids you’re looking for…)
25. And last, but most certainly not least: The strange noises coming from my chambers are not to be investigated under any circumstances, upon pain of death.
A/N: I realized somewhere around #20 that I’d hijacked the style of 'The Evil Overlord List', and tweaked it for my own needs. *facepalm* Enjoy the crack, and as always, I’d love to hear what y’all think! Plus, any suggestions for additions are welcome, since I'll be working on a 2nd version, for posting in the near future! :D
#3, 6, 8, & 10 are also used with her permission, and #21 & 23 are inspired by a comment kelly_girl made. So, without further ado, I present:
25 Things Sam Has To Do To Before He Can Become The Leader Of Hell (a.k.a. The 'Demon Overlord' List):
1. Find out who holds Dean’s contract, and then…
2. KILL them. Slowly. And painfully.
3. Convince Dean that taking over Hell is, in fact, a good idea. (Yeah, maybe when Hell freezes over, Sam.)
4. Turn down the thermostat, brimstone and sulfur are so medieval, anyway. (That’s cheating, Sammy!)
5. Remind everyone that, as the Demon Jesus, I don’t have to play fair.
6. Contact Ruby and use my scary control voice on her to make her tell me who my competition in the West is. (Uh, Sam? You don’t have a scary control voice.)
7. Work on scary control voice.
8. Research throne types for durability, size and color. (Oooh, can we get one with the Magic Fingers?)
9. Remind Dean that, even though he is my Unholy Consort, it’s my throne. Hence, only I get to sit in it. (You suck, Sam.) (You’ve never complained before.) (…Shut up.)
10. Send out newsletter announcing my decision to step up to my destiny and arrange a time and place for my army to meet and greet. ('Meet and greet'?! Could you GET anymore gay?!) (Again…you’ve never complained before.)
11. Remind the army that they don’t get to go out killing/possessing people whenever they please. They have to wait for my command.
12. Also, remind Dean that he can’t simply waste members of the army on reflex. Or for target practice. I need all the loyal foot soldiers I can get. Traitors and spies are a different story. (Leave it to you to turn me into your own personal Executioner.) (Isn’t that what you always were?) (Yeah, but now I’m killing them because they betrayed their leader, not for the usual reason, which was they were possessing humans.) (Shut up, Dean.)
13. Never quote Hades, Lord of the Dead from Hercules-Hades and Hell are completely different. (Come on, Sam, you need a catch phrase! "Name’s Hades, Lord of the Dead, hi, how ya doin’?" Plus, the guy got to say, "Memo to me, memo to me…kill you after my next meeting.")
14. Don’t quote Disney characters. Period. (And you wonder why I call you 'geek boy'…)
15. Learn to control my psychic abilities so I can discipline the army (and Dean) if need be. (You wish…'discipline', my ass.) (That was the plan, yes.)
16. Once I’ve figured out who/what my competition in the West is (see #6), find out his weak spot. And since I’m gunning to rule Hell, there’s no need to play nice. I can use every dirty trick I can think of.
17. Once I’ve figured out his weak spot, offer him the classic 'one chance to surrender'. And since I’m pretty sure he’ll refuse, once he does…
18. Mobilize the army to attack! (Dude. About damn time! Seriously.)
19. Once we have annihilated the usurper (Geek. Boy. Geeeeeekboooooy.), Dean can execute him and his commanders, as warnings to all who resist me.
20. Perfect the ‘puppy-dog-eyes-of-doom’. It’s a great lead-in to a sucker punch.
21. Show my army that I can provide them with everything they need-and all those who question me will be dealt with severely. (Careful, Sammy. First part of that makes it sound like you’re trying to get up there with Jesus, and the whole 5 loaves and 2 fishes thing.) (First off, how do you remember that? Second, it doesn’t matter. Jesus did His thing, now I get to do mine. Stinkin' show-off.) (Did you seriously just call Jesus a 'show-off'?!) (What part of ‘Demon Antichrist’ hasn’t sunk in yet with you, Dean?) (…What do demons eat, anyway? Twinkies? Pie? I’m pretty sure 5 Twinkies and 2 pies won’t feed 5,000 people like the loaves and fishes did.) (Dean, shut up…you’re making my head hurt.)
22. Never listen to Dean’s advice. He may be one Hell of a Hunter (pun intended), but he knows jack-shit about running an army. He is also not allowed to make decisions regarding said army and the takeover of Hell. (Fuck you, Sammy.) (Later, Dean. The list is almost done, I promise.)
23. Never get drunk around Dean. He will take advantage of my intoxicated state, by whispering stupid things to do in my ear. (Like the time I got you to run naked through that Wal-Mart in Oklahoma City, chanting in Latin at the top of your voice the entire time. Man, that was a brilliant performance, Sammy.) (I’m sure the manager enjoyed it, too-right up until she called the police, who bodily removed us.)
24. Any Hunter who promises to betray other Hunters will be listened to, and their information verified. If it’s false, they’ll be killed instantly. If it’s true, the others will be rounded up, and the informant will be killed as a coward. (Wait wait wait-you’re going to KILL other Hunters?!) (Demon. Antichrist. How thick IS your skull, Dean?! Plus, I never said I was going to kill the other Hunters-just round them up.) (OK, Sam, now you’re doing one of your smoke-and-mirror shows, aren’t you?!) (Of course not! These are not the droids you’re looking for…)
25. And last, but most certainly not least: The strange noises coming from my chambers are not to be investigated under any circumstances, upon pain of death.
A/N: I realized somewhere around #20 that I’d hijacked the style of 'The Evil Overlord List', and tweaked it for my own needs. *facepalm* Enjoy the crack, and as always, I’d love to hear what y’all think! Plus, any suggestions for additions are welcome, since I'll be working on a 2nd version, for posting in the near future! :D