realization.

[sammer81]

 so i belive i am at the point in my life that i am finally discorvering wh i am and how i want to live my life. what i want to do and where i want to be. i am giving myself a time limit. 6 months to save all the money i can. and go. without saying a word to anyone. just go. find myself and where i believe is right for me cause its not here. and ive known that for a great while now but it is really hitting me now that michigan just isnt for me. theres nothing here. especially worth staying for. so 6 months thats all ive got and either way im going. i know exactly where too. and its the most random place that i never found myself wanting to go. And i will do it all on my own and i will make it. ill be fine....cause it took a while to understand the beauty of just letting go. letting go of everything that has happened. all the people that have drifted away. and foregt about family. cause im willing to do it. i believe that i am a lot stronger than i was a year ago. i can do anything and everything on my own and get through whatever life has to throw at me on my own i dont need anyone. cause no one ever understands the situations or they just dont listen cause they dont care. the weight of the world is telling me to go. do what i want and can. who cares if i have money or dont. i just want to explore my options in the world. i wish i had more faith in god than i do. i wish i believed in him more and considered his plan more but the fact is i dont. and i really want to start. i dont know i have so much on my mind that none of this really makes sense. the fact is i just want out of my everday rutine and escape the people in my life. especially my home life. i feel like i dont know where i belong..my dads or my moms? i think neither. i never ask my family for help with anything. and last weekend i finally had to and it was the hardest thing i had to do and it shouldnt have been. that just shows how far i have drifted aways from the people that i once called my family. im done with boys for a while they just hold ya back. and i realized who my true friends are and its sad. i many ppl i would be there for but them never in return. i am always the one comeing to the rescue if someone needs to talk vent cry to...its always been me to go. not anymore. i dont need anyone. and im glad i finally realized it. im ready to get out. pack a bag and just leave and drive to my destination. you know what people may not think so but i have a lot to say about a lot of subjects i just decide not to open my mouth. i get judge enough as it is and i think it is truly funny some of the things people think about me and my family. cause no one ever really knows the whole story and god is the only that has the right to judge anyone the way you judge people. I am what you see and i will not change for you ever again. your friendship is not worth changing myself for and it took years to realize that. i just always wanted someone to care enough to tell me no. and now its too late. i felt like a car crash back then and no one saw it. i did it all for you to notice. and you think shes bad just case she got caught honey i was worse i just knew how to get away with it all. i wish you could read this and know how much you affected my life. edith you are nothing to me and thats sad it took my 18 years to realize that. i dont need you at all..i truly thought i did. and that just shows how pathetic i really was...i let you afect my life way more than you should of.

to be continued.......