Waking up.
Wow. It's been a really long time since I've written in here. For awhile I had Dave to talk to about things until we didn't talk anymore and then he finally went away.. and then I found my Micah. I guess I shouldn't call him mine.. how can I lay claim to someone I have not physically met?
I think that is part of my problem.
I was walking tonight down to the local liquor depo to get a case of moutain dew and some ciggerettes.. and for some reason.. I felt alive. Don't get me wrong. It's cool out and it's even misting.. a light kind of rain that clings to the skin. I was warm though.. wearing the new wool coat that I bought. That coat has to be the warmest thing I've ever owned.
Anyways. It was like I.. like I suddenly woke up. I realised how retarded that I have been acting. I ball up everything inside of me with no way out.. and then I find a crack in my shell and I burst. It's not always a very pretty sight.
Have I been sad lately? Yes. Actually I've been crying my pretty little eyes out. Did I have reason? Actually. Now that I sit down and look at things from a more realistic point of view: I guess that I didn't.
I have a tendancy to live in my childhood dreams. Sometimes that can be good but alot of times it cannot. Sometimes we have to open our eyes and face the world. Stop just being day by day and start LIVING. Like really living. Trying. But knowing when our attempts will get us nowhere. Does God have a plan for us? Maybe he does and maybe he doesn't. Maybe all that we have is a seed, a seed that he planted inside of us but that we have to make grow; US, ourselves. We will go nowhere in our lives if we just sit here crying our eyes out and pitying ourselves and saying woe is me, what did I do to deserve this evil?
Let's take a step back into the story of my life.
In the beginning, the very beginning I was just a little child. They said I was a strange child, I didn't speak to others but at the same time I would go up to a stranger and just begin to play with them, relate to them all without words. I was moved around alot back then.. father to mother to grandmother... I was a child who did not like hugs, did not like personal contact.
How was I then? Was I happy? I can't remember. My only memory that I can really call my own is of me in a shelter for abused women and children. My mothers current boyfriend who later became her stalker.. I think that was the same guy.. hurt her. I'm not sure if he hurt me.. I just remember this. Laying in a bunk in a room and my mother making up storys to tell me about talking cats and nonessential things with this older boy... maybe eight.. at first making fun of us and then finally listening instead. Looking back I wonder... have I ever had the chance to be innocent?
Childhood. Childhood I tried. In fact until my dreams were dashed I think that I believed that I was actually wanted and loved. Later on in life by some odd chance I talked to some of my past childhood dreams. It turns out even then I had been the brunt of all jokes. I think I was innocent then.. atleast of my scars.
Pre-teen.. pre-teen was bad. As soon as I hit fifth grade and refused to wear jeans instead of sweat pants.. it's like my friends became the popular group and I became the the odd man out.
Okay. You know what? This is all just beginning to sound like me complaining. I'm not. That is not what I am trying to do... fast-forwarding to teenhood... I quit school and I began to discover more about myself. I lost everything and gained alot. Alot of insight anyways. By the time I reached 18 I was actually beginning to have a little bit of faith in myself. I still harbor the need to be told that I am liked but more then that I was beginning to like myself.
19-23 was craziness. I was a carni, I was a raver, I was an alchoholic... basically I was a giant kid who didnt want to grow up and believed that the way of life was to have alot of fun.
I got over it. And where am I now? Sometimes I feel so lost. Recently I've been through a hell of alot. All that I want, all that I need is to have something normal. I want the life that I've always wanted, the life that I've wanted since I was a little girl.
*laughs* You know what I used to say when they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up? I said a wife. They said 'that is not a job. That is old fasioned and women don't do that anymore.' I asked why not. Then alot of arguing ensued but in an argument with a child the child usually wins or atleast thinks that they do. I guess I never lost that stubborness.
Now recently. I thought or think that I had or have a chance. I finally did find the person that I've always known that I would find. I never took it into my equasions that the person that I would lose my heart to would have to be just as complex as I am. For some reason I thought we would meet and fireworks would ensue and we would immediatly get married right there on the street and live happily ever after. I always have considered myself a princess from a faerie tale after all.
Well that's not true. At first that scared me. I cried and I pleaded and I prayed that my one chance at happiness would not get away. I fought for it by tooth and nail. For nothing. I was told that I was over thinking. I have a tendancy to over think. I am still over thinking. I am still worrying that it is NOT all just in my head.. that my fear has actual grounds and that he just doesn't want to hurt me by letting me know.
I need to learn to trust. But yanno.. I did. I trusted that he loved me just as much as I loved him and that he missed me the same. But.. and this is what kills me. If that was true.. and he knew that I was feeling this way... why wouldn't he take the time to leave me a message or to call just to say hello just to hear the sound of my voice and to let me know that everything is okay?
I think that I am too much. At the same time I think that I am not enough. I am not a normal girl, I am not the girl that men dream about. I am an average girl with a messed up mind.. I've been scarred alot in the past and these scars have made me into what I am now. When I was at the hospital recently the nurse asked me if the scar on my wrist was from a surgery; they were trying to insert my IV. I guess that it was a surgery, a self inflicted surgery; an attempt to kill the pain and the lies that I had been fed all of my life.
Okay. So now I am just complaining again. I guess that is what a journal is for since nobody actually has to read it.. but that is not what I was trying to do. With nobody to talk to though alot of stuff gets bottled up. What this whole dang thing actually started about is the fact that now, here, today... I have found a need and a want to live.
I am tired of being dormant, I want to try. I want to seek out my destiny, carve my way in this world and TAKE what I deserve. Okay, maybe not forcefully. I guess I can't just steal what I want. But you get what I mean. I am going to stop feeling sorry for myself. So my grandpa died. Yeah but that done with. The cats died. Same. My baby died. Same. Mother.. well she is actually getting better.. she may even make it. Micah... argh. That's the hard one. I WANT to fight for him but I need to change my tactics. I need him to WANT to talk to me again I need him to miss me and for him to do that I need him to do it on his own. So in a way... letting it be... without really letting it be... is fighting for it. I explained all that I could and I did all that I could so for now I shall wait. If that doesn't work I will try something else. But while I am doing this I am going to SMILE and I am not going to sulk and I am going to be LIGHT instead of dark. That's the Samantha he loved and that is the Samantha that is known to family and friends. Therefore that is the Samantha I shall be.
I think that is part of my problem.
I was walking tonight down to the local liquor depo to get a case of moutain dew and some ciggerettes.. and for some reason.. I felt alive. Don't get me wrong. It's cool out and it's even misting.. a light kind of rain that clings to the skin. I was warm though.. wearing the new wool coat that I bought. That coat has to be the warmest thing I've ever owned.
Anyways. It was like I.. like I suddenly woke up. I realised how retarded that I have been acting. I ball up everything inside of me with no way out.. and then I find a crack in my shell and I burst. It's not always a very pretty sight.
Have I been sad lately? Yes. Actually I've been crying my pretty little eyes out. Did I have reason? Actually. Now that I sit down and look at things from a more realistic point of view: I guess that I didn't.
I have a tendancy to live in my childhood dreams. Sometimes that can be good but alot of times it cannot. Sometimes we have to open our eyes and face the world. Stop just being day by day and start LIVING. Like really living. Trying. But knowing when our attempts will get us nowhere. Does God have a plan for us? Maybe he does and maybe he doesn't. Maybe all that we have is a seed, a seed that he planted inside of us but that we have to make grow; US, ourselves. We will go nowhere in our lives if we just sit here crying our eyes out and pitying ourselves and saying woe is me, what did I do to deserve this evil?
Let's take a step back into the story of my life.
In the beginning, the very beginning I was just a little child. They said I was a strange child, I didn't speak to others but at the same time I would go up to a stranger and just begin to play with them, relate to them all without words. I was moved around alot back then.. father to mother to grandmother... I was a child who did not like hugs, did not like personal contact.
How was I then? Was I happy? I can't remember. My only memory that I can really call my own is of me in a shelter for abused women and children. My mothers current boyfriend who later became her stalker.. I think that was the same guy.. hurt her. I'm not sure if he hurt me.. I just remember this. Laying in a bunk in a room and my mother making up storys to tell me about talking cats and nonessential things with this older boy... maybe eight.. at first making fun of us and then finally listening instead. Looking back I wonder... have I ever had the chance to be innocent?
Childhood. Childhood I tried. In fact until my dreams were dashed I think that I believed that I was actually wanted and loved. Later on in life by some odd chance I talked to some of my past childhood dreams. It turns out even then I had been the brunt of all jokes. I think I was innocent then.. atleast of my scars.
Pre-teen.. pre-teen was bad. As soon as I hit fifth grade and refused to wear jeans instead of sweat pants.. it's like my friends became the popular group and I became the the odd man out.
Okay. You know what? This is all just beginning to sound like me complaining. I'm not. That is not what I am trying to do... fast-forwarding to teenhood... I quit school and I began to discover more about myself. I lost everything and gained alot. Alot of insight anyways. By the time I reached 18 I was actually beginning to have a little bit of faith in myself. I still harbor the need to be told that I am liked but more then that I was beginning to like myself.
19-23 was craziness. I was a carni, I was a raver, I was an alchoholic... basically I was a giant kid who didnt want to grow up and believed that the way of life was to have alot of fun.
I got over it. And where am I now? Sometimes I feel so lost. Recently I've been through a hell of alot. All that I want, all that I need is to have something normal. I want the life that I've always wanted, the life that I've wanted since I was a little girl.
*laughs* You know what I used to say when they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up? I said a wife. They said 'that is not a job. That is old fasioned and women don't do that anymore.' I asked why not. Then alot of arguing ensued but in an argument with a child the child usually wins or atleast thinks that they do. I guess I never lost that stubborness.
Now recently. I thought or think that I had or have a chance. I finally did find the person that I've always known that I would find. I never took it into my equasions that the person that I would lose my heart to would have to be just as complex as I am. For some reason I thought we would meet and fireworks would ensue and we would immediatly get married right there on the street and live happily ever after. I always have considered myself a princess from a faerie tale after all.
Well that's not true. At first that scared me. I cried and I pleaded and I prayed that my one chance at happiness would not get away. I fought for it by tooth and nail. For nothing. I was told that I was over thinking. I have a tendancy to over think. I am still over thinking. I am still worrying that it is NOT all just in my head.. that my fear has actual grounds and that he just doesn't want to hurt me by letting me know.
I need to learn to trust. But yanno.. I did. I trusted that he loved me just as much as I loved him and that he missed me the same. But.. and this is what kills me. If that was true.. and he knew that I was feeling this way... why wouldn't he take the time to leave me a message or to call just to say hello just to hear the sound of my voice and to let me know that everything is okay?
I think that I am too much. At the same time I think that I am not enough. I am not a normal girl, I am not the girl that men dream about. I am an average girl with a messed up mind.. I've been scarred alot in the past and these scars have made me into what I am now. When I was at the hospital recently the nurse asked me if the scar on my wrist was from a surgery; they were trying to insert my IV. I guess that it was a surgery, a self inflicted surgery; an attempt to kill the pain and the lies that I had been fed all of my life.
Okay. So now I am just complaining again. I guess that is what a journal is for since nobody actually has to read it.. but that is not what I was trying to do. With nobody to talk to though alot of stuff gets bottled up. What this whole dang thing actually started about is the fact that now, here, today... I have found a need and a want to live.
I am tired of being dormant, I want to try. I want to seek out my destiny, carve my way in this world and TAKE what I deserve. Okay, maybe not forcefully. I guess I can't just steal what I want. But you get what I mean. I am going to stop feeling sorry for myself. So my grandpa died. Yeah but that done with. The cats died. Same. My baby died. Same. Mother.. well she is actually getting better.. she may even make it. Micah... argh. That's the hard one. I WANT to fight for him but I need to change my tactics. I need him to WANT to talk to me again I need him to miss me and for him to do that I need him to do it on his own. So in a way... letting it be... without really letting it be... is fighting for it. I explained all that I could and I did all that I could so for now I shall wait. If that doesn't work I will try something else. But while I am doing this I am going to SMILE and I am not going to sulk and I am going to be LIGHT instead of dark. That's the Samantha he loved and that is the Samantha that is known to family and friends. Therefore that is the Samantha I shall be.